Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #44397
      legobricks
      Participant

      I am the early stages of admitting whats happening at the moment. 60% knows its wrong and needs to leave. 40% doubting its even abuse.

      I have a reoccurring fear/question ….. maybe i am just as bad. Maybe i am abusive of him.

      I fight back more now, pointing out his anger and swearing and tantrums my hope that he will be aware and stop around our child. Isnt this me picking on him!?

      I know when my ocd flares up i can get quite aggitated, for example: if i have a bad night handwashing, it can take me a while to feel clean enough to go to bed. If he touches me i have to start again because i feel dirty and i do tend to mumble a f**** sake and have to start my rituals again. Does he see this as an attack on him?

      Worried that i am a bully too and maybe i will get the blame if i leave.

    • #44404
      KIP.
      Participant

      You are not a bully. You are abused and confused. It’s right that you protect your child from his tantrums and outbursts. Totally unacceptable to swear around a child. And it sounds like it is him causing your OCD in the first place. My ex caused my OCD, anxiety, depression and PTSD. Abuse takes a huge toll on our mental health. We minimise and they tell us it’s all our own fault. That’s just not true. He is responsible for his own actions. He won’t change and you cannot reason with him.

    • #44433
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      You’re not the bully nor abusive, he is. They love to make us think it’s all to do with us, my ex always blamed everything on my OCD and for a while it really confused me and I thought he must be right until everything started to make sense and I realised he was abusing me. It’s common for them to threaten to call the police on you, blame you, useyour mental health against you etc. All just nasty control tactics.

      I thought I had anger problems until I realised I was only getting angry when my boundaries were getting violated – justificable and healthy and normal anger that subsided once I removed myself from the situation.

      Have you rung the helpline to talk it through? It helped me hugely when I was in the confused stage too.

      Also, have you had any treatement for your OCD? Mine was so distressing until I got diagnosed and got exposure therapy for it and now it’s much more manageable and I can identify certain thoughts as OCD thoughts which helps make it less stressful.

    • #44442
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Legobricks, these a**holes will try anything to make us believe its our fault. I had depression when I was with my ex and whilst one minute he was reading books to ‘help me’ through it, other times he would be using it against me, screaming in my face that I needed a doctor and telling me I simply couldnt have children if I had depression as it wouldnt be fair on the child. When i mustered the strength to try and get counselling for my depression, he quashed it, so I cancelled my first appointment and my second appointment he belittled to the point that I did not return- again, tactics because he knew if I mentioned his abuse in sessions, I would get help and therefore get stronger and leave. Then he would pick on me for being depressed and tell me that I should be stronger and stand up to him. Then when I did stand up to him he would tell me to stop being so crazy / angry and that I was a physcho…

      What I am saying is, he is doing and saying anything to get you to believe that this is your fault. He is playing the victim. I often felt like I was walking through a minefield every day and when I though I knew where the explosives were , the next morning he changed it all again so I had no idea where to step or when. It is not you. You are not picking on him. You are fighting back because you know its not right and that 60% of you is standing up for you and your baby.
      A healthy partner would support you through your OCD and work with you to help you combat it, without constantly reminding you of how they have helped you aka how wonderful they are.

      I would constantly think that it was me being abusive /lying etc because thats what he made me believe. By the end of it I was hollow and no longer knew what I had done and what I hadnt. I felt like a shell and all that I knew was what he was telling me so when he said I was abusing him, I believed it and blamed myself. Thats how they get you. But dont believe it my lovely. He is in the wrong, not you x x

    • #44456
      oaktree
      Participant

      Hi legobricks, I totally relate to what you are saying – I am probably the same as you, just sort of realising that what is going on might not be OK but I also have doubts that it might all be me. Maybe thats all part of it? But then I go round in circles with it – messes with my head

    • #44538
      legobricks
      Participant

      Such words of wisdom, this quote particularly:

      I thought I had anger problems until I realised I was only getting angry when my boundaries were getting violated – justificable and healthy and normal anger that subsided once I removed myself from the situation.

      Like a lightbulb moment. I am only ever sad, irritated, feeling cornered or attacked when he is about. He acts like everything i say isnt serious, and keeps pushing and pushing. I say no. I say please. I move away but he keeps on, its like a game to him. I’m bruised from pulling away from his grasp, by then its my fault and i shouldn’t be grumpy.

      He says I’m as bad as him

    • #44544
      Serenity
      Participant

      You’re not abusive. You are reacting. And- hopefully- you are rising up.

      These abusers are idiots. They prey on people that they think they can use and abuse. Don’t they realise that, eventually, the good people that they chose will eventually get sick of having their boundaries violated and will begin to reassert themselves?

      I gave the benefit of at least a couple of years away from my ex. When I met him, I was so peaceful and calm. I painted; I wrote poetry; I never raised my voice.

      Then came the drip, drip of abuse. Over the years, I felt more and more invaded and threatened and became more and more anxious.

      I think my tidiness verged on OCD eventually: it was the only area in life I had control. By the end, I was an emotional wreck. When he was horrible to the kids, I found myself launching into a speech about how horrible he was being.

      But for years, you see, he’s threatened me into silence- or tried to. I was sick of keeping it in.

      It’s like a revolt- an uprising. For years, they chip away at us and make us feel violated. For years, we may say very little: we may not fully comprehend how awful they actually are; we might be infused by their actions; then we begin to blame ourselves; then it dawns on us one day that, actually, it isn’t our fault, and we begin to suspect that they are in fact doing it on purpose and are abusive.

      Everyone has a limit- hopefully. There comes a day when the downtrodden fight back.

      I read that, eventually, victims may temporarily take on the traits of their abuser- simply to rise up against them and fight back. But it is a contextual thing. It’s not a permanent trait: it’s a. Opting mechanism. You’ve tried being kind to your abuser: he just took advantage. You tried to explain and rationalise to him: he wasn’t interested. So now you begin to fight back and bear him at his own game. That’s no bad thing. It’s all they deserve.

      He wouldn’t recognise me now. He thought he’d permanently stolen my peace. Well, I’ve got it back. He imagines I will be distraught. Pining after him, immobilised, paralysed, inconsolable, emotional, tearful…in fact, I am more like the me he initially met- before he set about trying to make me a mess. I am calm, peaceful, happy, bsnced and fulfilled. My kids would say I am nothing like as OCD as I was, and I probably seem to my kids to be very laid back. But that’s because I am. Without him. I feel calm and unpressurised, and chilled out- who I was before he tried to destroy my inner peace.

    • #44692
      teatime
      Participant

      Thank God Serenity. That gives me such hope. I love painting and writing.It is my salvation. To this day he copies my work… yes he really does. They are stupid and weak.

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content