Am I alone?

[Seekingsolace]

I keep telling myself it’s not that bad and going back to him. I keep leaving and going back. What’s worse is I feel such shame about it that ut makes it harder to ask for help each time I want to leave again. He broke my (detail removed by Moderator) this time and when the police asked me what happened I said it was nothing. For once the police actually were willing to believe me and I lied and said I was fine. My friend called them for me and I told the police she was just crazy. Why do I keep covering for him? He’s done unspeakable things and yet I can’t seen to leave him this time and I can’t seem to tell the truth to get the help I know I need. I’m really hoping I’m not alone. Please tell me I’m not the only one who covers for their husband? I just feel such shame about it. I feel so lost. I just don’t know how to get myself to be honest about the way he treats me with those in my life who genuinely love me and want to help me.

[Lisa]

Hi Seekingsolace,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting so openly about what you’re going through at the moment. You are far from alone in this and I hope that sharing support here on the forum helps you to know that others understand.

It’s a very normal experience with domestic abuse to leave and return several times and to want to cover the truth of the situation from people outside. The reasons for wanting to hide abuse can be complex and varied. It could be fear of what your husband will do if he finds out you’ve told anyone, he may have threatened you around this. It could be that you don’t want him to get in any trouble, he’s someone you’ve shared strong feelings and a life with, it’s understandable that you care what happens to him. It could be that the thought of others becoming involved feels like a risk to what little control you have in this situation. It could be a mix of these or many other reasons. Whatever the reason, you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Again, it’s normal to feel shame and it’s something that is a huge barrier to women reaching out for support, I hope that speaking to other women here who share these experiences helps to ease this for you.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You could also reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Reallyconfused]

Well done for writing here. You are not alone. It’s easy to tell others what to do. But we are so emotionally invested in our “relationship” that we just want things to be better and we live in hope. Unfortunately these abusers know exactly what they are doing and know us and our responses. They know our minds.
Sadly they don’t change because the essence of the person is always there.
You are strong because you have left him before. They then put the mask of love and kindness and we go back or we don’t leave.
But the real them is still there.
Please look after yourself and keep posting.

[silversapphire]

Seekingsolace, always remember that you are not alone.

So many victims of domestic abuse have to lie because they are ashamed of being victims or terrified of what further punishment the abuser will inflict upon them and those that they love.
Eve more victims will go into denial of how bad things have got, persuade themselves that the abuser will suddenly stop abusing them and keep desperately deceiving themselves with these lies.
Gradually realising that the abuser has isolated them from all friends & cut them off from accessing nearly all the support networks that would assist them in escaping further abuse.
I’ve been doing all three for almost (detail removed by Moderator).

You have a loyal friend who wants to see you safe and happy again.
Building a future where you will have peace and freedom.
A life where your husband will never be able to abuse you again.
You deserve this future and can have it.
Stay strong and take care of yourself!

[Author]

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