Am I an abuser

[Still-trying]

Am I an abuser? I’ve wondered about this before and if I am I’m so so sorry to be posting here if this conflicts things.
My ex did do things that are probably abusive, both physically and mentally but it must be possible to have to abusers in a relationship. There’s times I can be passive aggressive, I’ve definitely been that way in the past, I made sarcastic comments and can feel resentful instead of being open about how I feel about things.
I’m a year out of things with my ex but as I posted on another post, I feel like I’ve had a set back. I had an anxiety melt down at the weekend. I was supposed to be meeting friends but plans changed so much that my anxiety went to the roof… I called my mum up crying cuz I needed to talk to someone safe, obviously cuz she had my kids, she wasn’t able to do much- which I understand. She said she’d drop me off at the station to meet my friends whilst my dad sat with the kids.
I really can’t explain how fried my head was, it’s not rational and I know that I could’ve solved the simple problems easily but it didn’t feel like it. I wanted to get in bed and never leave but then worried about my friends being upset.. I don’t know how to get rid of that tension when I feel that way. At the peek of me feeling crazy, my mum text and said my dad was on his way to drop me off instead of her. I don’t get along with my dad at the best of times and I realise he was about to try and do something nice by giving me a lift but at that moment I didn’t feel like I could deal with seeing him. Sounds horrible and irrational now. I called my mum asking her to tell him it was fine and I’d get my own way there.. she told me to pull myself together and said I was being stupid, I then shouted at my mum and ended up in a MASSIVE argument. I told her that both her and my dad always see me as someone who’s just causing problems etc etc. It’s ridiculous I know this, I sound like an absolute child sill relying on and arguing with my parents. Maybe it’s codependent?!
But when I look at that she situation I understand that there must’ve been times where I behaved like that with my ex?!
So is it really any wonder he constantly left me and ended up pushing me around. I don’t live with my parents but I must be pretty hard to live with.

[Still-trying]

I read this thing about becoming resentful in relationships. I used to bottle up how I felt about things. I obviously used to be too sensitive and take everything personally. Like I used to feel like he was criticising how I kept the house, or making out like I didn’t do enough… so one day when I came home after being out with the kids all day he was relaxing and had left all the washing up out. Normally this isn’t something that would bother me but to make a point I stomped around he kitchen and put things away. I was holding resentment as I felt like he was annoyed at me when I didn’t do stuff. He got really angry at me doing this, which resulted in an argument and him smashing up the house and leaving… me acting that way initially was resentful and abusive wasn’t it?! I’m so confused 😢

[KIP.]

Hi there. I think it’s great and positive that you’re trying to work you way through this. It’s exactly what I did and still do. Your first post I think you had a panic attack. No wonder you acted the way you did. It’s how I used to react to panic attacks. I just wanted to get home to my safe place. Unfortunately for me my home, my safe place was where the monster lived. I didn’t understand at the time. Your parents cannot understand the effect of being abused and the trauma it leaves us with.
As for your second post. I felt exactly the same way. I bottled things up because I knew having tried many times to communicate my feelings before I was met with sheer hostility so I was programmed not to raise my feelings because that would result in me getting hurt. So I bottled them. Sometimes it might have come across as resentment however there is absolutely no excuse for your ex smashing up the house and leaving. A functional couple would sit down and talk through problems but that can’t be done with an abuser because it’s their way or no way. The bottom line is you became trapped in an abusive relationship and you were not the abuser. Abusers have no guilt or empathy, yet you are on here trying to work things out. An abuser wouldn’t care, they would just move onto their next victim without a second thought. You are still defending his behaviour and carrying his guilt. Until you get past that you won’t heal. ‘My ex did do things that are probably abusive’. He did the most appalling abusive acts imaginable and tore apart your mental health. Him. No one else. It’s ok to accept that. It was one of the most painful realisation that someone I loved and I thought loved me back was actually abusing me. A horrific thing to accept but I totally accept that now. I was just another one of his victims. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Still-trying]

Thanks for your reply again kip. During my last split from him I decided that as long as I was happy with my behaviour then I would be ok. I hate when I’m feeling anxious. I feel like such a child and always regret the melt downs afterwards. Perhaps it’s possible that he thought my anxiety was abuse?! It is weird for a grown woman to be crying over seemingly nothing and to want to stay in bed and hide.

[KIP.]

It doesn’t matter what he thought. A caring partner would have sat down and asked how he could help to make things better. He caused your anxiety in The first place then used it against you. If it wasn’t your anxiety he picked on it could have been anything. They even just make things up to abuse us about. Please don’t try to work out his thought pattern because they are not normal and don’t think the same way we do. They are predators and abusers. Their sole aim is to destroy others and feed off their misery.

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