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After he found out my get out plan we talked for hours about his behaviour and how it made me feel. He broke down completely.
He said he would do anything to change and after going back and forth for hours I decided to give him one more chance on the condition his behaviour changes and he treats me with more respect. Also that he needs to get help and will not stop until he changes. He is going to his Drs (detail removed by moderator) to talk about treatments.
I still want to meet with my local WA Support Worker to discuss the impact of this and quite frankly whether or not i’m and idiot for taking him back.
Has anyone given their partner a second chance before and it actually worked?
Thanks x
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No you are not an idiot. You have to decide what’s best for you. We will support you on here whatever decision you make. I think its good though to continue with your appointment with your support worker. Keep that going you will have someone to talk everything through with. Try also to shift the focus onto yourself see if you can develop some hobbies and interests of your own and spend time away from your partner just so you have space to breathe and think, maybe go for a walk or something. x
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Hi, you’re not an idiot you’re being abused and manipulated. His behaviour is predictable. That’s why WA don’t recommended you let him know you’re leaving until after you’ve left. I did the same and he wore me down after hours and pleading and promising and begging and telling me he would get help. It didn’t last. The real test for me was when I gave in and agreed to one more chance, I felt deflated and depressed while he acted like he won the lottery. His new behaviour will not last. My ex managed around two weeks. Then it goes back to where it was, then it gets much worse. Keep going with your new exit plan. You’re going to need it x
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You are definitely not an idiot, and agreeing to give him another chance was definitely the safest thing to do in the situation to appease him.
What you actually do depends a bit on where you are at with your plan of leaving. If you have reached the stage of having organised somewhere to move – keys to a flat etc, I would probably encourage you to keep hold of that option. Unfortunately abusers mostly don’t change and you don’t want to go through that process of getting a place to move into again, probably in more difficult circumstances as he will probably watch you more closely now. I might even do what I did (which in hindsight I wouldn’t recommend to most people) which is to move out, but stay in contact (with strict written boundaries) and see if he actually makes good on his promises. I set myself a private deadline in my head of four months before I would consider moving back in. He managed less than half of that before the abuse was back and I ended it for good.
It’s important to note that all perpetrator programs that I have read about stress that this is something that the perpetrator has to do for themselves, and that it is not a fix to a relationship in which they have been abusive. That the woman is under no obligation to forgive them, whatever they do. So I would also think about that. Even if he changed would you be able to forgive and move past the history of abuse, or would you always be on eggshells. I know I would always have been on eggshells, so that helped me make the decision that for me I wanted to leave (I couldn’t have explained it this clearly at the time because I didn’t even know what I was experiencing was abuse, but I knew that how the relationship had been was always going to influence how I felt about the relationship).
If you haven’t got that far along with the planning for leaving I would go ahead and meet with the women’s aid lady, and keep monitoring the situation at home – ideally keeping notes on his behalf of there is anywhere you can keep that safe where he won’t see it. It makes it easier to see if there are abusive patterns sneaking back in.
Whatever you do, the women on here and at women’s aid will support you. We have all given our abusers far more chances than they deserve, and know where you are at. Keep yourself safe, and if you decide to go ahead and leave then don’t tell him until after you have gone. Good luck.
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I know leaving without discussing it can make us feel terribly guilty, but abusers are so good at manipulating us that it is the only way to actually get out sometimes. I had the weeping and promising to improve conversations, which generally ended in me weeping too and promising that I would also try harder many times. I was the only one who ever actually tried harder. Until I was bending over backwards for my abuser and he was treating me like dirt. In the end I found myself somewhere to move without telling him. And these days I feel no guilt over that, because it was entirely his fault we reached that stage. You are a good person in a bad situation. Do what you have to do to look after yourself.
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Hi there M,
You’re not an idiot. Many of us go back again and again, some of us never manage to leave but are left instead. I think you have received some really good advice but just wanted to show you some support. Please don’t think badly or negatively of yourself, we’ve all been there and know the fear of leaving vs the fear of staying is a really fine line.
Keep posting on here and keep taking back some of the control of you. Write a journal if it is safe to do so. Read books about abuse, I’m a very big fan of Lundy Bancroft’s books. He has written one with daily encouragements so it’s just about a page a day with help to how we can stay sane and remember our own worth. If it’s safe for you to do so, I would buy and read some books. And please remember, you do not owe him anything, no matter what he says x
Stay safe x
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hi i gave mine second third forth fifth after that i lost count. the pain each time got worse. he had won he worked my head he walked over me always calling me a pushover. there was a pattern every payday he would cause a row so he could walk out “stay at mummys” get hammered abuse me come home after 2-3days all sorry no money promise to get help he never did…. he wasn’t at mummys i just found out (my gut knew) he was with the other woman. lived off me robbed off me abused me. so the answer is YES i really really hope he changes for you i do mine didn’t i enabled him to abuse and humiliate me even more
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