Am I an imposter?

[SmallSteps@aTime]

I sometimes ask myself what is stopping me?

He has been asking me to get rid of the restraining order because he doesn’t feel like he can be fully comfortable with me unless it’s gone. He says he can’t even force me to stay anymore. I haven’t done anything about it because I am just avoiding this – keep telling him that it will eventually happen.

Everytime we are out and it’s time to pay he disappears somewhere or is on his phone. Never offers to pay or even act like he will. Maybe that’s my fault because I never ask him or tell him to pay. I just expect he will understand and do the basic human thing. At times I end up buying him lunch even when I am not eating.

Everytime I meet him he teases me by saying I see others during the day. If I don’t respond to him then the conversation makes him feel like he is an acquaintance. Every Time we meet he wants to put his hands inside. He never hugs or kisses me – tells me my mouth is probably not clean. He talks about spirituality all the time and boosts about how much he knows and how many lives he has changed. We went to see a monk and he came out saying how he knew more than the monk.

I am starting to feel like maybe I am the imposter – why do I pretend and fake like I am enjoying it. Why do I try so hard to be the person he wants me to be. Why don’t I ever ask him to pay for things or make plans.

This can’t be real love – isn’t he just using me? 😭

[Lisa]

Hi Smallsteps,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you so much for your brave and honest post. I am sorry to read about your situation as it does not sound like a happy or equal relationship. You deserve to feel happy and cherished and he is not helping you to feel these things. I am also worried by your mention of the restraining order? That would suggest that he has been aggressive with you in the past. You also say that he will not show you any physical affection unless it is sexually touching you, that too is a strong indication of an abusive relationship.

Please do try to speak to the helpline. Abusive relationships can be very confusing and the helpline will hopefully enable you to see the relationship with clear eyes.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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