Am I an overt n********t?

[disorganised]

Hello lovely ladies,

I was listening to (detail removed by Moderator) and now I wonder if I am trying to leave my relationship because I don’t want to deal with my insecurities instead of staying and working on personal growth.
I recognised myself in some of the n**********c traits. I am overwhelmed a lot so I don’t remember some of the important things he tells me or I forget to do nice things for him, I talk about myself more than he does, I can’t regulate my emotions when he critises me, so I start crying or defending myself with “word salads”.

I don’t want to hurt my daughter with this behaviour so now I’m wondering if he is right and she needs to be protected from me.

[Grey Rock]

I think most of us end up asking ourselves that question because we’ve been gaslighted so much.
N’s dont ask themselves questions like this. They don’t look to themselves to look for accountability.

GRx

[disorganised]

Thank you Grey Rock, I will keep that in mind because I’m finding it very hard to understand what is happening in my relationship.

[Teaandcats]

What GR said above.

I ask myself this question at least once a day, sometimes more.
If you’re liking (detail removed by Moderator), she also has a video named something like (detail removed by Moderator). She and so so many other places you’ll see say that same – an N* cannot reflect on their own behaviour, cannot recognise it as being unacceptable/cruel/wrong. They just don’t have the capacity to consider another person’s feelings, or the impact of their behaviours, like that.

[Ariadne]

Hi @disorganised,

This is not an easy question to answer, but here are some of my thoughts on it.
First, like @GreyRock said, just the fact that you are reflecting on those aspects of yourself is already a sign that you’re most likely not a narc. On top of that, you’d like to be better, and that is something very few narcs if any will do of their own accord.

Second, n********m is used nowadays as a rigid category but it is more like a spectrum. We all have n**********c traits. You can maybe link this to the concept of the “ego”. In some times of your life these traits will emerge more than others, because you have needs that are not being met. So, for example, a child is more likely to be high on the n**********c spectrum, because they want something but can’t express it properly, so they will throw a tantrum. Some people get stuck in this stage, thinking the rest of the world should cater to their needs, that everyone else is the problem, and they get stuck here for so long that they bury all the negative feelings. They are then afraid to look within because they’d then have to face all the negative stuff under that protective shell.

Third, it is normal that after living in survival mode for so long, you have adopted coping mechanisms that are not healthy for you. Traits from the other person. This happens in every relationship, but it is more prevalent when you are in a high stress situation for a long time. You start using the same tactics to survive. Some people call this “catching fleas”. You can look it up online related to abuse and n********m!

Fourth, and maybe the most important, is that besides all the categories we can attribute to someone because of how they present themselves in the world, these ultimately do not matter. It does not matter trying to find a diagnosis (which a therapist would be more suitable to do). What matters is “is this person abusive?”. And I think since you are in this forum, considering these matters, you probably are not. And if you want to change any behaviour, I am sure you can.

Hope this helps! I have ruminated a lot about the past and this very question. Ultimately everyone makes mistakes, that does not mean they are a bad person. Even non-abusive relationships have issues and both people contribute to them. However, don’t let this thought make you sink deeper into the abuser’s mind games. I quite like (detail removed by Moderator) on Youtube because he also talks about n********m BUT he mentions how to respond and live one’s life in a healthy manner.
Another thing that might be useful is for you to look up codependence. Often this is “created” as a result of these abusive relationships, so you will have a dynamic of abuser vs victim, with the victim being the codependent. However, codependents still need external validation, and sometimes they bend their morals, their feelings, to suit the abuser’s. This may make you feel like you’re a narc, but remember what I said above about n********m and your intentions.

I think I have rambled too much!

[iliketea]

@Ariadne amazing reply, thanks for this, @disorganised, everything said above is true by everyone. We’ve all asked ourselves this question, but if you’re here, it is unlikely, its the lack of self-reflection, and the ability to switch on and off depending on the audience, that leans more towards the abusive traits. xx

[Bananaboat]

Or are you just a normal human being reacting to an abnormal / uncomfortable situation, even if you’re only recognising subconsciously and reacting to that? I’m a calm, caring person but when I’m being criticised as a bad mum, a disgusting human being, told I’m not worthy and he’s so much better I can’t help but react, I try to but it’s instinct and then it gets turned into I’m the narc. It’s a common question to ask and as others have said, it’s more likely the answer is no x

[Lisa]

Hi Disorganised,

It must be so hard and confusing for you especially when the perpetrator criticises you and upsets you. You are a good mum, and your daughter is safe with you. We often hear that perpetrators will blame the woman for the abuse, and unfortunately very often a woman begins to believe that she is responsible for the abuser’s behaviour.

It may help to get some support in place if you haven’t already, you can find details for your local domestic abuse service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

There is nothing about your behaviour that is abusive or concerning. We tend to try not to link domestic abuse to n********m as it almost medicalises the problem and takes some of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. We believe that perpetrators of abuse are fully responsible for their abusive behaviour. They know what they are doing and they are making a choice to behave that
way.

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[disorganised]

Thank you for all of your replies. I am so sorry I didn’t reply sooner, but I had a very exhausting week. I finally mustered up the courage to call a women’s organisation where we currently live (my home country) and they told me that not only I am experiencing abuse, but it is extremely severe and he has been doing it systematically from day one. She said he controls every aspect of my life without ever needing to raise his voice. They suggested I go to my social worker and explain what is happening. The social worker agreed that I live in an extremely psychologically abusive marriage and suggested we make a plan to leave as soon as possible as my health is deteriorating. She also suggested I file for divorce with her which I did. Once I told my mum and sister they both cried telling me that they already knew but didn’t know how to help me
He left abroad (detail removed by moderator) so this was my chance. I packed everything and now I’m sitting in our flat shaking and feeling like I’m going to be sick. I will leave in a few hours but I am terrified of his reaction once he comes home to an empty flat. I am afraid he will take our daughter abroad (he threatened this every time I tried to talk to him about separating).

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