• This topic has 6 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by Lisa.
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    • #169414
      Iamsotired
      Participant

      Hi Im new here and i need some advice on my experience. Growing up I have experienced emotional abuse my parents have inserted fear on us that when we do wrong their would be consequences such as spanking us with a belt or anything. Dragging me, pushing me harshly, banging heads anywhere. They have stopped this parenting towards my little brother but still has emotional abuse.
      (detail removed by moderator)

      i was bombarded aggressively by my mum saying i am doing wrong and that i shouldnt go home because she would just have a heart attack because of me. It was a long and agressive text along the lines of me having a honeymoon and stuff. I ended up giving her a paragraph of explanation but she dismissed it (detail removed by moderator), i also didnt had the guts to reply to her because of fear. I have had panic attacks and anxiety because of the messages.

      (detail removed by moderator) i said i was scared and the text did affected me grately they have laughed at me and said that is not true and that i was enjoying my time with my boyfriend. I ended up not talking throughout our talks as they remind me that they have sacrificed (detail removed by moderator) years of their lives for me giving me everything and that i should be grateful and just listen.They have also said that I am a lucky because if we were in my country I wouldnt like what they would do (physical punishment things). They made fun of my mental health how one week i didnt do anything in the house but cry. They told me not to cry and stop with the dramatics.I feel like they have a manipulated me and have been doing this throughout my life. Im turning (detail removed by moderator) soon yet I dont get to see my boyfriend often just once in two weeks. It is because they made me choose on the spot either to stay at home and follow their rules and listen or I be free go out of the house but get my visa cancelled. Mum have also ignored me until yesterday when she offered me a job. I dont know wether to take it or not. Everything also seems to be normal but its bot after what they did. It affected me a lot, panick attacks and crying and depression
      Am i in the wrong? Am i just ungrateful for what they given me? Am i being abused?

    • #169426
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Iamsotired,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You described the anxiety this is causing you and the panic attacks you are experiencing. that is your body trying to communicate something to you. You have described a situation where your voice is stifled, you are made to fear the repurcussions from them and they make you feel guilty. make you feel you are being ungrateful or that you are obliged to them in some way. Abusers never take responsbility for their behaviour. It sounds like they are also threatening you around your visa and using that against you. They want you to feel isolated. You know what you are going through and how this is making you feel.

      You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

      • #169441
        Iamsotired
        Participant

        Thank you Lisa, I have been planning to get out of the family home but i am still figuring out my visa situation. I dont want anything to be done to my parents as they are needed by my siblings. I just wanna get out and be free from it as being an adult i dont feel the freedom of seeing my boyfriend or enjoying life. They are angry if i dont do anything in the house or take care of my sibling. I am trapped on constant self doubt and just self conflict. I have my times of crying, anxiety and just depressed. I am free to go to the gym and church which makes me think i should be lucky plus got offered a job. This makes me feel guilty and feel like im in the wrong and that i shouldn’t act this way. I feel guilty even reaching out to service and saying its abuse because i go to denial from it. I have thoughts of escaping from here quitely and quickly when i have the chance because i cant see the person i love or live my life as i want to. Am I wrong for having these thoughts? Would it be impossible to do because it seems like it. Will I just not be able to escape this anytime soon because it feels like no one will believe me. They seem like good parents and idk i feel afraid of escaping as maybe i will go back to them.

      • #169442
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Iamsotired,

        I know this isn’t easy- they are your parents and you may still feel that sense of loyalty no matter how they are treating you. You are an adult and should feel free to make your own choices and spend time with people you feel safe with. They are restricting you in some ways and it can be confusing if you feel you are able to do other things- but this can be part of the abuse as well. It can be really hard to see when you are in it.

        Its really important you have more ongoing support with your situation so do reach out to your local domestic abuse service when you feel ready.

        You may also want to contact Karma Nirvana. They run a forced marriage and honour-based violence helpline which you can call for further support and information. They are available on 0800 5999 247 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)

        Take care and keep posting

        Lisa

    • #169472
      Iamsotired
      Participant

      Help i am now lost and everything seems to be normal again everyone is nice but then i dont feel good my gut is feeling bad and i still feel like i am restricted to see my bf im afraid to ask i have been thinking about different scenarios in my head such as they will allow me or they will not and it will go bad. I wanna escape here but i am trap on self conflicts i argue with my own thoughts because i wanna leave but something is stopping me

    • #169475
      Iamsotired
      Participant

      I have let go and escaped. I havent gotten any answer from my visa situation i called and the service never called back. I can no longer endure more of the pain i am experiencing. I have asked if i can sleepover at my boyfriends and they have denied it i am an adult. I dont wanna go back and ever. I didnt spoke to anyone i just left they did alwasy say i am free to go but i take care of my visa. I cant take it anymore i have somewhere to stay and my friend and boyfriend has supported me. I could stay at either if there houses and live life. I am gonna sort out my visa problem soon as i would want to be free. Am i doing wrong? Us it bad i wanna go and leave? Are my parents gonna track me down? Are they gonna make police pick me up?

    • #169503
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Iamsotired,

      It’s not bad that you wanted to leave and have now done that. You deserve to be free to live your life away from your parents’ abuse. You’re an adult, so the police won’t take you back there against your will and if your parents show up where you’re staying and won’t leave you alone, you could call the police to help. They have no rights to harass you.

      You might want to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support. They should be able to help you keep safe and make a plan so you don’t return to the family home. They may also be able to help you access some immigration advice around your visa. Rights of Women can provide free legal advice, they specialise in areas of law often needed around domestic abuse and have an immigration and asylum advice line (020 7490 7689 Mondays and Thursdays, 10am – 12pm and 2pm – 4pm). Citizens Advice can also provide immigration advice. You could also speak with a Women’s Aid worker through our Live Chat service to discuss your situation, options for next steps, and find out about other support that’s relevant to you.

      Take care and keep posting,
      Lisa

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