Am I being dramatic?

[Violetdream]

I have no idea anymore. I feel like I no longer have the ability to think clearly. There have always been issues in my relationship but recently I have realised that my husband is very manipulative and controlling. But I’ve realised that this is probably how he has always been in the (detail removed by moderator) years we have been together! I’m really struggling to understand is I am being a little over dramatic or whether this is a real problem? I feel like I have no one to turn to as any friends or family would be unlikely to view the situation completely impartially. There is so much to tell, so many examples that I could write for days. Dont know where to start. I need advice on whether or not I’m reading too much into this? Is it normal? I’m also a new mum so throwing that into the mix, I think maybe it’s more about me than him? Just to give a little context.. I have no independence in terms of money, we have a joint account which he has access to. Tbis is the only account I have yet he has (detail removed by moderator) others which I do not have access too. He ignores me, is disinterested in me generally, over works, is always stressed and angry. He takes everything out kn me, he shouts at me but is never physically violent. I feel that I have to ask permission for everything. He makes decisions for me and if I question him he shuts me down and will not even give me the time of day to have conversation about it. He got very angry at me for buying him a nice xmas present, he ridiculed me and the gift and ruined my Christmas day. I was heartbroken. In the past he has had issues with gambling and has cheated but this was about (detail removed by moderator) years ago now. I left him before for a few months and now he holds that against me almost daily. He makes me feel so guilty wvwn though I left him for ga gambling and lying to me. This is just the surface of negative traits but he is also very mind, loving,caring and such a great dad. He works hard to support our family and apologise for the way he acts sometimes. Is this just how relationships are? Is there anything serious here or not? I’m just so ck fused. Thanks x

[Cecile]

Seriously he sounds exactly like my abusive husband, apart from the fact we have been married much longer. The Christmas thing is identical to his behaviour to me. When the kids were babies I spent a small amount on decorations for the tree using my own money. He totally lost it and even all the decades later uses it as an example of how I waste money. You husband apologises? That will fade away as his attempts to control you escalate. He sounds financially and emotionally abusive. Have you read about coercive control? There are amazing books that can help you, for example by Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. another lady on the forum recommends “living with the dominator” by Pat Craven.
I had always thought my oh w1 a good father which kept me with him, but he w@s mechanical and did things by rote like Christmas routines and birthdays, no spontaneity. He could never help with any complex problems or let them be emotionally expressive.

I hope some of the fantastic other ladies here can offer you advice and support as well, ow have you have bravely taken the first step.

[LozzyX]

Hi Violetdream

No you’re not being dramatic. He sounds very controlling… Controls your finances, withholds any affection, and belittles the kind things you do, so no wonder you feel confused. Shouting and constantly blaming you for the past is also very toxic.

It sounds toxic and not safe.. I think you know deep down its abuse… If it wasn’t you probably wouldn’t be here. In healthy relationships couples can work on issues, move forward and one doesn’t take away the others independence

Please contact WA just for advice for now, they are good at helping you realise some possible options … Many here will also share good advice.

[Hetty]

You’ve been very brave to reach out on here. You’re not being dramatic. We can often feel like we are going mad in these awful, abusive situations. The way you’ve described how your partner is treating you is totally unacceptable. It sounds like you’re an emotional punch bag. How can you flourish in a relationship like this? Ask yourself if this is what you want from life.
I found my ex husband more difficult to deal with when my son was born. The exhaustion and being tied to the house brought his behaviour more into focus whereas before I was busy with my career and could switch off from him more easily. I too thought it was me. I started to think I was suffering with post natal depression and even went to see my gp. Thankfully she was able to see that it was my toxic marriage that was the problem. I eventually got out when my son was small.
You could start keeping a secret log of his behaviour. You’ll see the cycle of abuse emerge. The rants and silent treatment followed by mr nice, then it builds up again. X

[KIP.]

Abuse very often escalates after childbirth when we are even more vulnerable. Yes he’s abusive and controlling. Please contact your local women’s aid or ring the national helpline. Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And ask yourself if a friend came to you and told you this was how they were being treated. What would you tell them?

[Violetdream]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Very helping having a space to ask question to people who really know.

I really am confused and although I know our relationship is not quite right, I still really do love him. I keep hoping things will change get and get better as I want to be with him. But then I beat myself up as it makes me feel so weak. And I didn’t think I was a weak person.

I am currently taking anti depressants as I found everything very hard to cope with after having my baby. Before that I used exercise and yoga as an escape but obviously this become impossible with a baby! I have had suicidal thoughts and thought about self harming, but this again makes me feel so weak. I feel like I’m going insane which is why I find it hard to work out whether this is all because of him or whether there is something wrong with me! I feel like I’m addicted to him sometimes and when he is good to me I feel so happy. Again making me weak.

He has very n********t traits and has his own issues so sometimes I feel like I want to help him. But he never thinks of helping or supporting me. He has always been over the too with lavish gifts and holidays so it looks as if he spoils me rotten and I’m so lucky, which I am, but these things dont matter to me. I am not materialistic where as he really is. Nothing is ever enough for him.

Thank you for the book recommendations, I will look them up.

[Hetty]

Please go back and see your gp and talk about the thoughts you’re having. It’s important you take care of your mental health. Don’t be afraid to confide because you’re a mum. Lots of mothers have these thoughts. Make sure you get the right support, you don’t have to struggle alone. Have you any family who can help with your baby so you can get some me time back?
You’re not weak. This man is abusing you, destroying your mental health. There is no excuse for this treatment of you. The gifts are just an act to keep you in the cycle. In these relationships we become the emotional dumping ground for their feelings of inadequacy and it won’t stop. In my experience these men don’t change.
Take care and keep posting x*x

[KIP.]

I had suicidal thoughts and once I explored them through outselling they came from the abuse. From feeling helpless. That feeling of helplessness turns to anxiety and depression then suicidal thoughts follow. It would be good for you to have some counselling with an expert in domestic abuse. She will assure you that it’s not you with the problem, anti depressants will treat the symptoms but not the cause which is him. No amount of loving him will prevent the abuse. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and get in touch with your local women’s aid. Another good book is Healing from Hidden Abuse. Knowledge is power x

[Violetdream]

Thank you, it’s really helping to have you all to talk (type) to. I really do think he dumps his emotional issues and feel gs of inadequacy on me. I think that I the core of it. If he had some sort of therapy would this change and possibly alter his behaviour? I feel lost because I dont know what it will take for me to leave. I put up with it and manage to cope and stay put because I love him. I read a quote recently which you ‘you get what you put up with’and that really hit home with me and my situation. I never thought I’d find myself here. I feel like I’m a strong person but I allow him to tear me down. Why do I allow that? I think this is why I question whether it’s me with the problem. Tha is for your support x

[Hetty]

It’s important to know that none of this is your fault. It’s his fault. Abusing someone is a choice. These men do it to keep them feeling ok. I tried couple counselling with my ex husband but he stopped when his behaviour was challenged and the counsellor who was female was labelled as a man hater. It didn’t work. He refused inidividual therapy. I feel the problems were so deep rooted there would be little hope for change.
Personally, I can see why I have ended up in two emotionally abusive relationships. Like you I am a strong woman. I have a good career and with the training I’ve had people who didn’t know better would perhaps wonder how I could have ended up with these men. It can happen to anyone. These men are master manipulators. I believe that the men we love don’t exist. Often we love a fantasy, how we want them to be all of the time. That man doesn’t exist.
Keep a log of his behaviour and it’ll help you gain clarity in your relationship. You’ll probably see patterns emerge.
You might not be ready to end the relationship right now and that’s ok. It’s important you seek some support. Put your mental health first. You’re bound to be feeling vulnerable and confused. Don’t be afraid to reach out. It took me quite a long time to leave my ex husband. I spent a long time considering my options before I finally packed up and left with my son who was very young at the time. I didn’t look back. I found a place to rent, finished my training and I have a good job now.
Start to ask yourself what you want from your life. Someone once explained to me how when you’re thirsty you’ll drink dirty water if needed. It’s the same with love. If only toxic love is available we drink it up cos we all need to be loved. X

[Violetdream]

Thank you Hetty. I am feeling glad that I have reached out on this forum. After only a few days I’m starting to feel less alone and lessisolated. I have also started reading one of the books recommended above and that has given some real insight. Chriatmas time was extremely turbulent with caused me to have a bit of a break down and as a result of that his behaviour has been much,much better and ‘normal’so I think its definitely a good step to begin writing down how he treats me to see any patterns. I feel like I already mnkw they will emerge but writing them down will give me a bit of clarification? I feel like I have spent so many years in such a mess, assuming it was all about me, I’m a manic depressive who doesn’t cope well, who isn’t good enough, who is stupid etc ut now I realise this has all been projected onto me by him. It’s quite earth shattering.x

[Hetty]

Writing things down, I feel, helps to really see the abusive relationship clearly. It’s also amazing all of the things we let slide and forget about when things are normal again. Sometimes these men like to rock the boat and cause the breakdown cos they can’t stand to see us content and functioning, other times they need to dump their own c**p on us and finally they need to feel needed and leave us feeling like we need them. As another often says on here, they push us off a cliff and run down to save us. It’s awful, head battering drama. There is no normal or nice in these relationships. There is always an underlying goal of the abuser which is to gain power and control. Their needs and their needs alone are all that matter.
You need to ditch those labels he has given you. They’re his. Let his words fall off you like water off a duck’s back. All lies lies lies ❤️

[Camel]

Hello Violetdream,

You’re not being over-dramatic at all. You know instinctively that something is very wrong in your relationship. And that’s the point – it’s the relationship that is wrong. Not you.

Right now you feel confused, depressed, trapped, desperate, ignored, picked on. If you stand up to him he probably tells you you’re wrong, deluded, ungrateful. If you do something thoughtful you’re criticised. You worry that you’re going crazy.

Anti-depressants can offer fantastic respite but if you’re still having suicidal thoughts or want to self-harm then you must go back to your GP. If you can, be brave and tell her everything you’ve told us. A friend of mine wrote it all down and handed it to her doctor to read as she found verbalising it too difficult.

Exercise was so good for your well-being. Find out if there are any classes that have creche facilities. Ask your health visitor for info. I’m sure she will have good local knowledge. If you can’t get out to a class right now you can practice yoga at home.

Leave the house every day but not just to get groceries. Getting out in the fresh air truly lifts the mood and will be special time together for you and baby.

Put aside any thoughts of supporting your partner with his ‘issues’ until you’re 100% healthy yourself. Remember what flight attendants say – put on your own oxygen mask first, then help children with theirs. Your partner is perfectly capable of putting on his own…

[Author]

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