Am I being over the top?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone, I really need some advice as I have no one to talk to. I don’t know if I am reading too much into this. I feel like my boyfriend controls me. It’s not so much “don’t wear this” “You can’t go there” I get constant questions and comments made all the time. When I am at work he will text me “You being good?” And when I get home I get “did you talk to anyone today?” The other day I came home and I had a skirt on and as soon as I walked in he started to pull it and said it was too short “who are you trying to impress? Are you dressing up for someone at work?” When I go on my phone to message my dad who is terminally ill he will glare at me “who’s that?” And when I say it’s my dad he will say “It better be” if I put make up on to do the food shop “why are you doing that you want people to look at you” he doesn’t like certain things and if I wear a piece of jewellery he doesn’t like to work when I get off the bus I will take it off before I get home so he doesn’t know. I once forgot and as soon as I stepped in he said “Why are you wearing that necklace” and to avoid an argument I said oh go away and walked to the bedroom and he followed me, he stood at the door and I sat on the bed refusing to undress with him there and he said “because you have that on. You’ve met someone at work” I’ve told him numerous times please stop I don’t like it I can wear what I want and do what I want. I used to be so care free and confident and now when I’m getting dressed I have to ask myself will he like this or will he make a comment? I’ve sat him down calmly and told him I feel like he is controlling me as I haven’t seen my friends either because he doesn’t like them, and he always turns it to me “You make me sound horrible. You make me sound like a **** that’s it call my controlling you’re horrible you are” and then I think maybe I am over reacting? I’ve tried to reassure him I’m in love with him and I want nobody but nothing seems to work. I am so miserable, I don’t feel like myself anymore, I’m low, I cry in silence every day, I’m bored as I can’t go out without him, and I feel so angry and bitter my bubbly friendly personality has gone. Am I over reacting? He has never hit me but we did have an argument and he threw all my make up at the wall – which he knows is my passion and it all broke and was unusable.

[lover of no contact]

No you are definitely not being over the top. He is not treating you well. Its confusing because he probably can be very charming and act lovable at times. But harassing you about other men, throwing your personal belongings, making you feel bad for seeing your friends and making you feel bad for looking nice is not behaviour one does to someone you love. I think trust yourself on this. You are not over-reacting. teens against abuse.org have a very good ‘cycle of abuse’ information for young people. I think you will recognise the behaviour of your boyfriend if you read up on that information.

You have come to the right place by posting here. Ring Women’s Aid too and tell them what you’ve told us they will explain that his behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Love is not abuse.

[Serenity]

Hi Flying High,

This is how the abuse started in my marriage. You’re unsure whether it’s abuse, because he dishes it out in such a way as to make you feel you’ve done something wrong, but all it is is jealousy and control dressed up as blame and him acting like the one wronged.

I found a very clear article on how to recognise abuse in Wikihow which I thought you might like to look at, as it picks up on some of the things you describe.

Abuse always worsens over time. Abusers turn up the heat so gradually, you don’t realise how your sense of self is gradually worn down to the point that you don’t even trust your own judgement.

http://m.wikihow.com/Recognize-Signs-of-an-Abusive-Man

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much ladies, I really do need to go on my gut with this one. I went out with my mum and before she got me I was questioned if it was actually her, then I am bombarded with texts so I can’t even enjoy my short time with her. I was getting changed and he saw I had a thong on, he asked why I was wearing that under my work clothes I have definitely met someone else, I told him it was the first pair I picked up. Sometimes I can’t even believe I am having to justify myself about my underwear. I missed his call and he accused me of being with someone else. I know I need to leave him but he is also depressed and has cut himself and him doing something stupid always holds me back

[Alicenotichains]

Flying High,

Your situation sounds very energy draining- he is crushing your soul with his controlling tactics. He has also made you feel responsible for him with his depression and self harm which is highly manipulative behaviour and a recognised abusive technique. My ex appeared to be suffering from some kind of psychiatric disorder and threatened suicide several times but after educating myself on abuse I realised that this was manipulation. I saw a psychiatrist who told me in no uncertain terms that if my ex killed himself it would not be my fault. Once the cycle of abuse starts it does not stop, it gets worse over time and you get weaker and more confused. You need to start mentally detaching from this man, you are not responsible for him, he is highly controlling and he is ruining your life. You deserve to be loved and valued. Leaving an abuser is a process, it is also risky so think it through and make sure you do it safely (ie leave first- don’t tell him face to face when you are alone with him else he might kick off). Talk to your GP, the women’s aid helpline, post on here.
I though I was being “over the top” and making a fuss about nothing until I took a step back and realised how bad things had got and how much I was in denial. Also the nice guy/nasty guy mix can confuse you but don’t let the nice guy that he might occasionally be pull the wool over your eyes.
Your life can be totally different.
Take care Xx

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for the late response I thought everything was going great, but it clearly didn’t last long. Thank you so much for responding to me, I’m in bed in floods of tears for all these lovely responses, I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. What is happening to me is absolutely nothing to what most of the brave women on here have been through and i feel so stupid that I may be kicking up a fuss over nothing. We had a big argument and I stood up for myself and told my friend everything that was happening, she said she knew something was wrong and she would help in anyway. I made all these plans I was going to pack my stuff and go – I was so determined. Then he told me he loved me, and I stopped talking to my friend and became his recluse again. Everything in my body is telling me to leave, I’m so angry and sad being here and I can’t wait to go to work I dread the weekend coming. Sex is a chore, I would be very happy if he never touched me again but if I say no it’s “You don’t find me attractive you think im ugly” so I just roll over and make out it’s the best thing ever. I want to leave when he isn’t here as I know if I leave with him here he can charm his way around and I will stay, we had an argument the other week and i told him I need space and I packed my bags to go to my mum’s, once I got there he started texting me saying he was sorry and he loved me so much and he wants to be cuddled up on the sofa – I went back. Before I left my parents said “You can always come back home” and I made out everything was fine it was just a tiff. I wish I stayed. He is never out the house, I work longer hours than him and God forbid if we had a weekend apart. He kept his (detail removed by Moderator) year old daughter a secret from me and I’m supposed to forgive and forget, but if I buy the wrong butter or forget chicken when i do the food shop, it’s the end of the world. I had a meeting at work where they were going to offer me a promotion which means a bigger wage, I was so proud of myself and told all my family who were happy, I told him and all I got was “but then you would meet someone else” “you’ll be on more money than me and I don’t like that” I felt so deflated I’ve not even told work I will accept it as I know being with him, it will just cause me trouble. Thank you so much for responding and reading my rant, I hope I get there one day as I can feel myself falling into a dark deep pit xx

[Lyng]

I got goosebumps when I read the part about “who are you trying to impress?” My ex asked me that when I put makeup on the week my daughter was born. He always made me feel like I shouldn’t dress nice or fix myself up. I had to report to him when I was working. Send pictures and verify my whereabouts. You are not alone. He only tries to make you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Your post reminded me of the subtle little things that happened to me at the beginning of my relationship with a serious abuser, the self doubt in you, the questioning yourself is this normal or is it abuse, it is abuse & it always gets worse. If you feel like you are owned & that you have to seek his approval for wearing jewellery, clothes, make up, he is not loving you for who you are, he is trying to make you feel guilty for wanting to look nice, he is showing strong signs that he will use more & more controlling tactics to keep you from feeling good about yourself,jealousy by him is showing by asking why you wear this or that, is it for someone else. Certain he is an abuser, If a genuine man, who truly loved you he would instead be saying “sweetheart you look lovely, I am so proud to be with you” he wouldn’t worry about losing you because he would do everything in his power to keep you, without using the guilt trip, which he is doing. Xx

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for the late response, I thought things were going good but I was wrong. Thank you so much for your reply. It’s just constant questions and comments, one day I had enough and I messaged my friend about everything that was happening. The friend he hates for no reason. She was a diamond told me if I needed help she would be there. I felt so strong and determined I was going to go home and pack my bags that night, then he told me how much he loved me and I got weak and stopped talking to my friend and played happy families with him. I hate myself for being weak. Why does he have this hold over me? I know I shouldn’t be with him, he agitates me, I can’t stand him touching me but I let him because if I say no it’s “You don’t love me I’m fat and ugly you don’t think I’m attractive” I hate living with him. Everything you are saying is right, I need to get out I know it’ll only get worse, the only thing tying us together is our house, no children nothing, I can’t afford to live here on my own and I feel like a failure going back to my parents. Looking back the signs were all there, he wanted us to move in after a short time together, he kept his daughter a secret from me for (detail removed by Moderator), the comments started on what friends he didn’t like until I had none then when I moved in I was alone and all his x x

[Rainbowcloud]

This struck a chord he does it gradually not over the top but subtle enough to put you in your place.
My partner does this on and off like why am I doing my makeup for the school run or the supermarket who am I trying to impress etc
I used to wear this (detail removed by Moderator) and I actually met him wearing that outfit and then he said he didn’t like it why was I wearing it and I’m to old to wear it at (detail removed by Moderator). So I haven’t worn those since. He calms down for ages not say anything then he will say things again with me he does different things but he has done this a lot in the past and even now if I do my hair he asks why I’m doing my hair etc calls me when he’s at work and says it’s sounds quiet where am I you know it’s not right I do too but you love them so you stay . I think things get worse in time and esculate .

[KIP.]

You’re absolutely right. Control. That’s how they get their kicks. He doesn’t care what you wear or how you wear it. His ultimate aim is to change your mind and get you to do what he wants. Control. And this is how it starts. It goes from little things like clothes, then isolation from friends, finances, sex. Abuse always gets worse and control is the name of the game. Mind blowing dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

His aggressive, nasty side came out last night. Because I laughed and he didn’t like it, he had been drinking Stella, he looked at me with such rage, I’ve never seen anything like it, i started to shake and feel sick and i was sure he was going to hit me, instead he threw our cat, I picked our cat up and went to the bedroom and just cried, I heard him banging and crashing about he slammed the living room door so hard there’s now cracks going all up the wall. I told him today I didn’t like how he acted and there was no need for it, he just turned it on me and said I was wrong too, I asked him how and he said i was horrible and my behaviour stinks as I went to the bedroom in a huff last night, he says he wants to kill himself because I am making him feel even more c**p because I said he can’t act like that and throw our pet about because he’s drunk, I’m sat here with the whole situation playing over and over again in my head, he made a comment and all I did was laugh and I went to the bedroom to get out of his way, I feel like I did nothing wrong but why am I the one feeling guilty? How can I be the one making him want to kill himself?

[anna]

Hi Flyinghigh,
Its sounds like a very scary horrible situation for you. So well done for posting. Just make sure you cover your tracks with using the forum if boyfriend spies on who you speak to and harrassess you about it.
Yes it is definately abuse. And particularly worrying about the cat. Its symbolic and also real re directed violence to frighten you.
My mum did symbolic violence alot. Such as saying ‘if such and such, did this or that, ( insert trivial thing) I would make up lies to the police that they had hurt me’ that sort of of thing. implication being thats what she would do to me if i didnt comply
So your instincts are spot on.
No one will tell you what to do on here. But it seems your own wise , smart instincts are telling you to get out.
But understandably you may feel frightened and ashamed like you are to blame. ( I assure you most heartily you are not responsible for his mental health or to blame in any way)
When he talks about his mental health (regardless whether he is suicidal or not) it is done to manipulate you. He knows you are a loving kind empathic person so he is using those excellent lovely qualities against you. (Think how in martial arts how the fighter uses the opponants own weight to bring them down)

He knows if he is abusive you would go so if he can make you feel responsible for his wellbeing and make you feel mean and horrible about going, he can get you to stay with no effort on his part. He is basically using the human need we have to belong and feel we are a good upstanding person against you.

It may be that you are not quite ready to leave yet and that is ok. You want to feel that you can do it safely. I would not jump in a deep lake without learning to swim first and researching what wildlife was swimming down there!
So what I suggest and its only a suggestion is read up as much as you can online about the abuse cycle. I am sure this very site has lots of resources. Also read up about ‘hoovering’ which is the manipulating tactics abusers use to keep you in the relationship. My mum who is very abusive has used most of the hoover tactics. But because I knew all about them they lost their power to trick me.
Also about psychological emeshement where in abuse relationships a person tries to make you feel like you are in charge of their feelings. And finally Trauma bonding.
Though please keep yourself safe. If necessary go to a trusted friend who has no connection with your boyfriend to use their computer or maybe a public libarary.
Once you have read up all these things it will give you better insight into what is happening. plus you will see you are in no way to blame.
You may feel not quite ready to go but it is a small step toward safety. Keep talking to trusted friends. If necessary tell them boyfriend tries to keep you from seeing them so they can be sympathetic and understanding if you only have limited contact. ( yet again safety is paramount) dont talk to anyone who would go back to your boyfriend and repeat what you said. Or anyone who would try and negotiate with him thinking they were helping you.
Keep posting!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much, you’ve all pointed me in the right direction. I finished work and was interrogated about my lunch hour, something in me just clicked I will NOT live the rest of my life like this. I’m leaving and I am ok with that. He knows this as I just kind of blurted it out and his response was “do you want me to die” which usually would of sucked me in but instead I turned around and spent my evening in the bedroom. I was being much more open about my relationship at work, and the more I spoke and saw the looks on people’s faces the more I grew stronger in a sense as I knew I wasn’t just seeing things – this isn’t how a relationship should be. I feel strong and determined, I feel my shoulders going back and my back straightening, confidence this time which is something I haven’t felt in as very long time. I will be ok. I have my family and friends who I need to build my relationships back up with and if they don’t want to know, that’s fine I don’t blame them I haven’t seen or spoke to them in a very long time. I feel sad for him and I hope he gets help with his issues so maybe one day he can have a happy relationship, maybe this will be learning curve for him or maybe he will just disregard it and not change at all. I can’t sleep, I’m sat in the bedroom packing up all my stuff whilst hes in the living room drinking no doubt, I’ve decided I’m not going to work tomorrow because this needs to be done, whilst I still feel like this. I feel relief. Thank you to all you amazing strong woman who listened to my rambles and opened my eyes and made me see, I am a strong woman with my own views who can wear what she wants, looks how she wants, I will never be silenced and dictated to ever again. Thank you all so much x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey honey, did you get out? Are you okay?

I’ve been off the forum for a while but posts like yours are amazing. You see the support you have around you here? You see the knowledge we all have and see how much you have learned. I hope you are out and continue to stay out. I hope you are still feeling strong and continue to do so.

[Lisa]

Dear Flyinghigh,
It really does sound as if you are flying high! Well done for leaving and doing what you have done. It is great to hear that you feel so much better and a weight has been lifted. Thank you for comment about the forum, talking about abuse and recognising it for what it is can be the key to leaving an abusive relationship. Hearing that it is not your fault, that controlling behaviour and abuse can never be justified is important. Sharing your story as you have done will make a difference to others so thank you.

Best Wishes
Lisa

[Tiffany]

Well done flying high! You might want to think about changing your phone number once all the logistics you need to sort are done. I can’t wait to switch mine. I have a couple of weeks before I can (logistics take such a long time) and I can’t wait to be free of the text message fear.

[Author]

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