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    • #55662
      maddog
      Participant

      Just finished the Freedom Programme – hurrah!! Thank you WA for being a fairy godmother!

      My husband has told me unequivocally that he is having nothing to do with the sale of the house. This I don’t mind. What I do mind is his presence in the house. I am afraid to speak on the phone, my friends avoid the house. Several have told me that my husband makes them feel afraid. It’s the lurking. It’s that he just comes into my space without warning. It’s that he’s told me that it’s his house and he can go where he likes and say whatever he likes to me. It’s that he doesn’t lift a finger to help with housework apart from doing the washing up. It’s that I fear being in the same room as him. It’s a fact that the house is as soundproof as a sieve. I don’t actually think he’s interested in who I am speaking to or what I am saying. He told me he was going to see his gp and tell him that I am an unfit mother and a p********h.

      (detail removed by Moderator) he had me arrested and said I punched him. I have no memory of punching him and he said my daughter was watching and would verify. I asked her and she said I was shouting at him and waving my arms about. He was stonewalling me. He was a wall of seething vitriol and I wanted his attention. I asked him which bit of him he said I punched and I asked what injuries I gave him. He said I punched his face and there were no marks or bruises. I had no memory or feeling of having hit anyone.

      I am terrified of the lies. I accepted the charge as I didn’t know what else to do although I said that I didn’t think I did what he said I did. My husband has made it absolutely clear that he hates me, wishes me dead and will do whatever he thinks of to harm me.

      Then he switches. (detail removed by Moderator) he knocked on my door before he left the house. This is the first time he has ever done this.

      I have drugs which stop me shaking. I have never felt like this. My gp has said that he can only give me things to keep me calmer.

      (detail removed by Moderator) It was exactly how I have felt so often with my husband. Luckily he doesn’t come near me any more after I told him I really didn’t like being groped when I was asleep. Of course this is all my fault. I feel terrible and as though I am losing my mind.

    • #55664
      KIP.
      Participant

      No you’re not being paranoid. Your gut is telling you he is very dangerous. Your mind is trying to block this information out. Trying to minimise and rationalise. Not allowing you to face the full knowledge that this man is a dangerous p********h. I can tell you he is going nowhere. You still need his signature to sell the house and I think he will sit back and watch you do everything then simply not sign or gaslight you again by changing his story. Ask him If he will sign a legal document now agreeing to the sale of the house so that he can’t back out? I’ve been where you are and it’s too dangerous. No wonder you are shaking. You should be shaking. You are underestimating the danger you are in.

    • #55667
      maddog
      Participant

      On the one hand, he expects me to do everything to do with the sale of the house. On the other he doesn’t want me here and he won’t leave. His behaviour is increasingly openly contradictory. I know he has verbally assaulted a woman in her workplace. The police gave him a minor ticking off and told the woman that he was a bit upset and hadn’t done anything wrong. He threatened to hold her by the neck.

      I know he is now building up to another rage. I have had a quote for preparing the house and I have spoken to the estate agent about it. I have told my husband that he needs to clear out his tools and decide what he wants to take with him or it will probably end up in a skip.

      Social Services have told me that a perpetrator programme for him would be unsuitable as he is in so much denial.

      He petitioned me for divorce. I just said Yay!! Since then he has been dragging his feet, is livid with me for not wanting to continue with mediation. I went for the first joint mediation, and sharply realised that his truth is very changeable. He flatly denied telling me that he’d rather live alone.

      (detail removed by Moderator) I am dreading it. Of course solicitors are there to protect their clients however criminal they are.

      When my husband rants and rails about people he doesn’t like, who he hates with menace, I do wonder if he is talking about himself.

      At the end of FP, we were discussing talking about our vulnerabilities and history. We were told emphatically not to mention to potential partners. My husband knew right at the beginning my history and vulnerabilities. How stupid I was. It hit me hard, that one.

    • #55670
      maddog
      Participant

      What’s changed then between (detail removed by Moderator) and Today? My husband’s gp appointment to complain about me. He’s already told me that he told his gp that I have kicked him. Again I asked where and what injury? I have no memory of kicking him, and he told me I left no mark. What effing planet is he on? He absolutely kicked the dog. That was a kick. I have recorded him telling me that I’m horrible and that I provoke everyone (in front of the children- they were on camera,feet only. I filmed by mistake). He also screamed at me that he was divorcing me in front of the children. Every argument, I am in the wrong, I started it and I am entirely to blame. I haven’t engaged with him for some time because there is no point.

    • #55672
      KIP.
      Participant

      His behaviour is escalating. As he becomes more desperate to keep control, he will become more dangerous. If you can record his threatening behaviour perhaps an exclusion order to get him out until the house is sold can be achieved. For your own safety and not to put your children through witnessing this abuse anymore, I think you should act soon.

    • #55677
      maddog
      Participant

      I really am doing as much as I can! It’s difficult to articulate what has actually happened since I visited the police station. On the face of it not much. Only a phone call from WA to discuss getting out and the animals, this gp appointment, and the realisation that he sort of stalks me in the house. I’m not sure I explained this very well. His behaviour has become increasingly inconsistent, sometimes he’s ok, then he’s not. I think he is fighting to keep his image of Mr Perfect. Not when I’m away, and that I am terrified when I’m in the house. I have enough valium to knock out an elephant, so I have taken some. I don’t want to take any more because I’m not an elephant and I don’t really want to be knocked out. Some days I’m pretty maxed out on drugs to keep my heart from exploding and my head from falling off. Today has been one of those days.

      I will make every effort to record him. At least it doesn’t matter what the images look like.

      My solicitor tells me it is very difficult to get an occupation order through the civil courts and that it’s very expensive. I do not get legal aid. If I tried and lost, my husband would be laughing at me. Again, this is why I am going back to the police. Also because my friends are afraid of him and now he has verbally assaulted someone else, lied through his teeth about it, and that is scary.

      It would be so much easier if he just left. He won’t. He still eats the food I prepare and enjoys watching me clean. I don’t do that very often. I honestly feel like a slave in my own home.

    • #55681
      maddog
      Participant

      I think what seems to be happening on a day to day basis is that my husband is making less and less sense.

    • #55709
      maddog
      Participant

      My husband started the day muttering under his breath. I took out the dogs and a child for a walk. When we returned my husband offered our child (detail removed by Moderator). She disappeared to her room. (detail removed by Moderator) I am no mind reader so have no idea what he was planning. He didn’t call the children. Instead he complained that the heating oil is running out, he doesn’t care and that he gives up, before huffing out.

      My elder daughter is beginning to notice his behaviour as not very kind. The younger one is much more closed. They know we are getting divorced and I try to keep them up to date with things. I also try very hard not to badmouth their father.

    • #55712
      KIP.
      Participant

      These men live in denial. If he’s anything like mine he thought he would just behave as normal as he could and I would follow. It was when he finally realised that I’d worked out his abusive behaviour and he couldn’t pull the wool over my eyes. That’s when he attacked me. You have lived with this behaviour so it’s become your normal. I normalised things too. It’s a coping mechanism but more and more he dragged our poor son into it. Looking for a reaction from me. I was also trauma bonded to my home. That was always my safe place. Where I would run back to when I had a panic attack. How mad is that. The house of horrors where I was raped and assaulted became my safe zone too. It’s mind blowing dysfunction. The police arrested my ex after he attacked me and had bail conditions to stay away until I managed to sort things (detail removed by Moderator). All the mental health problems you’re experiencing is because of him. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough. When you make that move. Hopefully housing can help as you’re suffering domestic abuse they have to re home you x hang in there. I kept cleaning the house too. I think it helped normalise things. I remember he deliberately dragged cat poo in and pointed it out on his boot as he dragged it through the house saying I could clean that too. When I look back, I was not the same person I am now. I was exhausted and broken. Not any more though.

    • #55722
      maddog
      Participant

      That struck a chord, KIP about the cat poo. My husband often tramps dog poo through the house. He has certainly told me in no uncertain way to clear up after him. That time he had broken a glass. I was raped before I met my husband so I thought I knew what it meant to be coerced and threatened. I fell in love with my husband and made allowances for I thought were his odd sexual peccadillos. I remember quite early on in our relationship thinking, s**t this man is abusing me and maybe raping me. I was trying to find a friend, couldn’t find her, so went back to the lion’s den and shoved that thought under the carpet.

      I am longing to get out. If I leave with the children, I would fear for the animals and the house would become a slum dwelling and not get sold. He is using the sale of the house so he has someone to cook and clean. Luckily the sex is long gone.

      I am really beginning to believe he lied to the police.

    • #55742
      KIP.
      Participant

      Every word that comes out their mouth is a lie. Mine lied to police, court, solicitor, me, his son, his daughter, his friends, his family, his new girlfriend. It’s second nature to them. We need to stop thinking of them in the same context as our own behaviour. They aren’t even on the same planet. They are nasty selfish self centred people without an ounce of remorse or empathy. The gloves are off. He will destroy you and leave you with nothing if he can. And he won’t care who gets hurt in the process. I called it the red mist. They would drag themselves down too, just for the satisfaction of seeing us crumble.

    • #55765
      maddog
      Participant

      His behaviour is spilling into the community. Makes me wonder what he was like to work with and why he has no friends. Today more poison from him spilled onto other people.
      I used to tell him that people liked him. He doesn’t like them. I have never encountered such ongoing lasting vitriol.

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