Am I being paranoid

[selfish]

I have a history of being overly emotional and definitely overthink everything, and although I know something isn’t right, I don’t know if I’m being selfish in wanting to leave. We have 2 children, both with additional support needs under (detail removed by Moderator). One child my husband has not bonded with (both his biological children) and his patience is very short with that child.
Our relationship has been up and down from the start. I’ve had hot food thrown at me, items of mine broken and once been pushed and once kicked. More recently he’s started spanking me, grabbing my nipples or trying to whip me with a towel. They hurt and he knows, but he always does it as a joke, so I’m not sure if he thinks it’s ‘fun’ or if he deliberately wants to hurt me. On top of that I’m constantly put down, and bossed about, which I know is control. I so desperately want to leave, but I think I’m being selfish for the kids. I’m not strong enough to tell him, so I would have to leave one day and have no contact with him. Part of me feels I should just accept the constant blame, name calling, and fat shaming so I don’t have to up-route the kids, however I’ve started to have concerns for our safety, particularly the child he has not bonded with. I’m not sure if he is aware of how he acts, or if he knows it’s wrong. I know in the past I’ve definitely pushed things too far, I’ve learnt now to walk away, but that made the things he says nastier so that he provokes some reaction from me.
I just want some reassurance this isn’t normal life I think, and some advice on where to start the process of leaving.
Thank you.

[Lisa]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about how your husband is treating you, it sounds very distressing for you. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

It takes such courage to talk about abuse- you are doing the right thing by reaching out for support and to explore your options.

If you would like to, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day until 6pm). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

There are also local domestic abuse services available offering ongoing emotional and practical support. Your local service can be found via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[not-victim]

It’s so difficult to know isn’t it?

I read a lot of responses on this forum that almost seem idealistic (maybe I’ve just lived in an unhealthy relationship for so long these “healthy relationships almost seem fictional – I don’t know).

I mean, isn’t it normal to get angry with someone you care about? Surely if you didn’t care at all there would be no response. And things like name calling, saying things to hurt someone or lashing out are responses of anger? I’m not saying that’s right but isn’t it “normal” for a large percentage of the population?

For me though, it’s the frequency and also the intention of these outbursts that have made me realise I’m in an abusive relationship. The anger tends to come when I’ve done something he doesn’t want me, or has told me not to do. The lack of control sparks the reaction almost every time. And I get blamed for it – if I didn’t do that, if I just did as he told me, if I had respect for him… he wouldn’t get angry.

It’s funny because as soon as I recognised that, I started noticing the other ways he manipulated me – the little comments about how I look, what I’m wearing, how I’ve spoken to someone, I’ve chosen myself over my children (that one still gets me). Often said in a joking way, but always with the intention of getting back control by belittling me. Also, the moody periods when I know there’s something wrong but he will keep it to himself for days – me then walking on eggshells.

His favourite line – “why would I think it if it wasn’t true?” Try responding rationally to that!

I would say the fact you’re on here and have shared this story, you probably know yourself you’re not being paranoid. Unfortunately, no one can give you permission to do whatever you need to do to rectify your situation. It wouldn’t matter if they did. Just hold on to this feeling right here – write it down somewhere along with any other times and it will give you something to look back on when you doubt yourself.

I’m not yet in a position where I’m ready to leave. However, I do keep asking myself, what happens if I do nothing? I’m definitely further forward than I was 3 months ago because of that.

Stay strong x*x

[selfish]

Thank you for the reply’s. It’s so true, how do you separate the what is abuse and what is normal. I can’t talk to my friends as I worry if it’s not ‘normal’ what would their reactions be. I get told on a daily basis I’m a fat, lazy and don’t do anything worthwhile, but I probably am fat and maybe I could do more. Everything is my fault, I couldn’t tell you of any times he has taken responsibility for anything and I have never had an apology, and if I bring it up later he denies ever doing anything and now I’ve just shut down all emotions and try and do what is expected, I can feel myself sinking into a depression and almost robot mode, as a strive to have any sort of conversation with him that doesn’t make me feel worse.
I dream of the day I don’t dread 5 o clock or weekends, and be able to relax without listening out for him in case I get shouted at or have something thrown at me. Then just at the moment I can’t take anymore, he’ll come home and speak to me like a human, tell me about his day and I see that little glimmer of hope, but extreme guilt for making plans to leave and it’s a constant cycle. Now these days seem to be few and far between, but I’ve opened up to some family who urge me to leave, but it’s not that easy after years of being put down and living for the small moments of feeling human. Knowing that kids mean everything to him and I’m taking them away. He’ll hate me, and any mutual friends we have will hate me too as they don’t see the side I do. My kids have ASN, and taking them away from the only home they know will be such an unsettling time, but I know in my heart in the long run it’s going to be better for us all.
Thanks for all the support. Xx

[Lost lady]

I think we try to justify their behaviour as it becomes our reality, but deep down we know it is not normal and hope things will get better.
My constant cycle of plans and guilt is much the same as yours
Sending love xx

[selfish]

I just feel today so detached from my life with him. Now I’ve made the decision to leave, having to keep up the pretence of being happy is so difficult, I actually want him to be his usual arrogant self so I have an excuse to not talk to him. Accepting this is abuse is hard, I feel very undeserving of people’s time and kindness, but on the flip side I’m so grateful for the support and validation. Once the kids are back to school I’ve made the decision to contact Woman’s aid and start making steps to leave. Having a home where I can fully relax shouldn’t have to be a dream. Having the freedom to do things I want to do, even as simple as taking the kids out to the park one evening, would be so amazing. I know between now and then I will have many feelings of guilt and sadness, but the ‘nice’ times only last so long before something sets him off.
Thanks again for all the words of kindness and encouragement xx

[Camel]

You describe yourself as over-thinking, over-emotional, selfish, undeserving and paranoid. You’re not any of these things. Trust yourself and ignore the inner critic.

Remember that couples separate all the time. Worry only about those things you can control. People cope – and it’s not your problem if they don’t. You’re leaving an unhappy relationship, not committing murder.

[Decagon]

Selfish,
The choice to leave is yours, the choice to stay is yours.
It is so hard to separate what is best for you all.
My children initially didn’t thank me, it was tough, but the knowledge of – no eggshells, no monitoring emotion, or trying to predict his mood, no tiptoeing around trying not to annoy him…….
All that gone, in a flash.
Better sleep, weird noise in my home – which turned out to be laughter! Had completely forgotten children need to laugh, play, be tearful etc

I held on to the fact – I had to go.

No reason why, no more emotion to that, no more if an explanation than that.

I hear my self in your words, it makes me sad.

For me, I know I should have stayed away the first time I left, but a million reasons later, I was back, trapped, wondering what happened, lots of robotic years passed, and because I warned him 3 strikes, you are out, no matter the reason I leave, I will not return.

I have never regretted leaving, the kids (adult kids now!) are begining to thank me now.

Take your time, you know the reasons, choosing to leave, for me was the hardest thing, once I left, it was easier than staying – challenges, rows, tough and hard work, but all easier than staying with him!

Take care, be kind to you xx

[selfish]

Decagon, your message (and kindness) has brought tears to my eyes. To have someone who has had the courage to leave and not regret it is honestly inspiring. I have the exact same reasons as you you for wanting to go. I’ve spent a third of my life with this man, and for a lot of that I’ve lived to make sure his needs are met. My needs are invalid, as I’m nothing. Even if I tried to talk about not being happy, he wouldn’t listen. He’d play his PlayStation or watch videos on his phone. I just want a calm happy house. Most the time when I shout at the kids it’s because I’m so worried if I don’t stop them, he’ll involve himself and it could be much worse. Even when he’s not at home, I have to be available to him on the phone, or to message back, no excuses.
I am so pleased your children thank you now. I can only hope that I’m showing my children that everyone deserves respect.
X

[Author]

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