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I don’t know what to do or how to explain this but today I’ve just had enough. IV been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years and we have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old son. My partner goes out (detail removed by Moderator) whether it be to a friends or the pub and doesn’t come home to all hours, he takes cocaine and then that leaves him on the sofa the next day as you can imagine. His moods are so up and down, one minute he can be fine the next he’s going mental, he has never been physica but calls me all sorts of names, tells me to get to f**k then when he gets really angry he threatens that he’s going to “do my dad in” tells me to leave but il be taking his son nowhere and how he will stay with him. I am absolutely terrified to leave incase he tries to take my son or hurts my dad, he is all I have as my mother passed away. He decided he wanted to leave our hometown and I did this to please him as there was no reasoning, basically he says what he says goes and I’ll be doing what’s right for my son, I’m at my wit’s end. (detail removed by Moderator) he sat drinking and taking drugs in our home and had people back then his parents called earlier and he left to get dinner, came back and because they were still there he left again absolutely furious that he couldn’t get dinner in peace, calling me all sorts and saying how he was done with his parents and theu can go and f**k.. bearing in mind they are so so good to him. He was so nasty to me, telling me to f**k off with my s**t mates. Anytime I organise to go our with friends he will make me feel bad and when im out he demands I be home at a certain time or I can go elsewhere to stay, I feel like he’s just controlling me. It wasn’t always like this but I know the drugs have alot to answer for. He’s also involved in a (detail removed by Moderator) and is just obsessed with them and when drinking it’s all he talks about and says do I understand who He is..he is a good dad to my son and he wants for nothing but he is so unpredictable and can be so nasty I just can’t take anymore but I don’t know what to do as I’m scared he’ll hurt my family or try to take my child. I just needed to vent as No1 knows about any of this and I just don’t know what to do. If I leave I will leave with nothing. I don’t know if any of this is classed as abuse but I know it’s not good. I feel like I have rambled but im just at my wit’s end. I know when he wakes tomorrow it will be more silent treatment and all the verbal diarrhoea about his parents over nothing. He is an only child and they are so so good to him he is so unbelievably selfish. I’m just at my wit’s end as I love him but can’t go on like this.
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Oh lovely, I’m sorry you’re feeling this. What you describe was my life just a few months ago. Yes the drink and drugs add to the nastiness especially the come downs & hangovers but do not fall for it being the only reason for his behaviour or excuse it. Even when feeling rough my ex would do a 180 and become a completely different version of himself if someone came to the door – he’s not being this horrible to everyone which means he’s choosing to be nasty to you – this is abuse.
It will also be affecting your child. Moderator will remove age but mine is a similar age and we weren’t allowed to get up/make noise the morning after my ex had a session. How do you explain that to kids but they sense it, mine are so much happier now. Also like you there was a routine to his behaviour meaning I knew two days every week he’d be out drinking, home late full of lies and excuses, then all the in between days of either feeling after effects or cravings again.
I also had all those put downs and threats, but since leaving I’ve found it all to be hot air. That’s not to say all abusers are just mouth so make sure you’re safe but a lot of it is just to intimidate and control you – e.g. I’ll take your son away makes you stay trough fear.
Start to take a bit of control back and you’ll feel your confidence grow, move documents somewhere safe or take copies. Research what support you’d be entitled to via benefits for example. Use the time he’s being drunk and chatting rubbish to take yourself off to bed – he’ll be angry whether you stay or leave so do something for yourself and remove yourself from further abuse (again only if safe to do so). Read about abuse, I found Lundy Bancroft’s book’why does he do that’ a real eye opener and keep a log/journal as you’ll start to see patterns.
Sorry for the essay but please know a) you’re not alone, b) you don’t deserve this and c) you can get out. Your son only gets one childhood and you only get to enjoy that once too, so do you want to feel like you feel now in 12 months time, in 2 years time? xx
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He’s an abuser, he’s abusing drugs also, if he’s threatening then what’s to stop him carrying out his threats while hes in that state I’d advise to seek refuge as soon as possible and also report his threats (cos how many cases have there been where verbal threats have been turned into actions) plus he’s verbally abusing you and your friends so I’d say leave as soon as you can ❤🧡💛
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Thank you so much for your reply.
I just don’t know what to do, I need to get some money saved as I literally have nothing but i do work which is good. What if he tries to take my son? This is what I’m terrified off and incase he hurts my dad. I would never want him to not see his son as he is good to him but I just know it’s gonna turn nasty, I haven’t talked to anyone about this so I’m glad I can finally vent here.
For example I told him I was going to a wedding of (detail removed by Moderator) and he went mad saying how I was organising things without him and my son and got called everything which resulted in me apologising and begging just so there was no arguments. Surely that’s not normal 🥺
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He’s completely trying to control you (and keep you under contol) it’s normal to want to go to a wedding, We really have to unlearn their abnormal behaviour before we accept it as normal, if you give womens aid a ring maybe they can get in touch with the council for emergency accommodation (or refuge you wont have to save) if you both went into refuge the workers will help you and your son find a new accommodation (and maybe other things you might be invited to) he can’t take your son he’s a drug user (if you let people know that there’s no way he’d be able to take him and keep him) I remember this kind of control and its suffocating I felt like a prisoner but know its not normal (not healthy normal) and they are his issues he’s projecting onto you, your entitled to a normal life (it’s overdue) 🧡💕🧡
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Not invited to , entitled to , that was a typo (too late too edit) 👌🏻💗
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No, it’s not normal. He’s treating you like a child at best and a prisoner at worst. He is unfortunately behaving in a way that is typical. The book Living With a Dominator would probably be very useful to you, but it is best that he never catches you reading such a thing so only get a copy if you think you can read it safely.
If you decide to explore your options then Women’s Aid would be able to help you devise a safe exit plan. Again, never tell him about any of those conversations.
I would suggest googling the abuse cycle. It’s likely that you’ll recognise it from first hand experience. The good news is that the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 has meant that all those controlling and coercive behaviours are now listed more specifically as domestic abuse so it should be easier for it to be recognised and get help than in the previous years.
Take care lovely.
GR x
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