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    • #66589
      TurquoiseSkies
      Participant

      New user here, first time I’ve been on something like this so feel a bit silly that I feel like it has come to this, but just need to know is what is happening is classed as abuse.

      So my boyfriend does little things that really bother me and get me very down. When I bring them up to him he’s reluctant to apologise, saying I take it to heart too much and I’m too sensitive, which in turn makes me question my own sanity.

      Just a brief list of things he does;
      -Claims that I hit him when I’m drunk and he thinks I’m too drunk to remember (I know I don’t, but I’ll admit things have got physical between us in the past which is very out of character for me)
      He also says I say things which are out of character and I embarass myself in front of everyone eg. his friends, the taxi driver and they make comments on it which he rubs in my face
      -Has a go if I turn my last active status off on social media claiming I’m hiding something
      -Insists on tracking eachothers whereabouts using an app “incase I’m on a night out and something happens to me”
      -I have to lie about how much I drink as he says he doesnt trust me when drunk and thinks I’ll do something
      -Pressured me into limiting to a couple of drinks while I was on holiday with my friend and had a go cause I stayed out later than usual and acused me of being drunk
      -Has a go when I spend money as he wants to save up for a house
      -Turns things round on me ehen I bring things up eg. “I’m scared of how you’ll react if I bring this up” then he says “No its the other way round, Im the one whos scared”
      -Says I make everything about me when I bring things up that are bothering me
      -Very Jekyll and Hyde, especially when hes drunk. I feel like I need to be on my happiest behaviour or I’ll annoy him and he’ll snap
      -Calls me names when drunk and gets racially abusive (I’m mixed race)
      -Comments on how much he hates my dog so I’m worried if we do move in what will happen if he gets annoyed when drunk
      -I’m not allowed to work anywhere where there’s males or he’ll “leave me”
      -If I don’t reply to him and go in social media he’ll comment on my social media saying “you can go on here but not text me back” and bring up that he’s not my priority
      -I suffer from depression and anxiety, and he says he never knows what mood I’m going to br in anf it frustrates him. I also had a down period few weeks ago and he said my tone of voice was getting him down and instead of me staying over at his he was going to go out with his friends to cheer himself up
      -Has a go if I don’t see him as often as he would like
      -Makes me feel bad about not wanting to have sex as often as him
      -Puts emphasis on how many other males cheat in relationships and that I’m lucky he doesn’t
      -I’m boring and he hates car journeys with me because he likes his music very loud but it hurts my ears
      -Everythings about me as I’m studying at the minute but he wants a baby, but I don’t as I want to finish my degree. I’m being selfish by putting my needs first as he doesn’t want to be an “old dad” (detail removed by moderator).
      -He has put status’ on facebook about me when we’ve argued and hes been drunk along the lines of “id love to punch my girlfriend in the face, no one likes her” thne hes removed it straight away in the morning and apologised
      -Due to the nature of my degree, I have to keep everything extremely private on social media. I made our relationship status private and he kicked off saying I was hiding something by not putting in on my wall for everyone to see.

      This is just what I can think of off the top of my head, theres more laying underneath. Thing is, when I think about these things I think that I’m not helping the situation by being the way I am. I think if I tried a bit harder or if I wasnt as sensitive then it would be fine.

      He can be so loving when he wants to be. Its obvious he loves me but I’m not sure what to make of the whole relationship. He can be the nicest person in the world or someone I hate being around. I feel like there is no in between and I’m pressured to act a certain way towards/around him.

      ALSO, I’ve been thinking about leaving but have felt reluctant as I took out a large loan in (detail removed by moderator) for him to get a car as his credit score was so bad, I know it was wrong but at the time I felt happy and stable. I’m worried that he’ll be spiteful and refuse to pay it back. It is over (detail removed by moderator) My mum has helped me put together a loan agreement to cover myself but I’m worried incase he refuses to even sign it. He earns quite a large amount of money but has trouble with gambling and overspending.

      Is this abuse?

    • #66591
      maddog
      Participant

      He sounds horrible! He is treating you appallingly. Red flags are flying all over the place. He is blaming you fairly and squarely for his behaviour, not taking responsibility, trying to get you away from studying and independence. Most men don’t cheat on their girlfriends. Perhaps he has horrible friends who do.

      He’s pressuring you into sex. He is gaslighting you making you doubt your own sanity. Of course you must put your own needs first. You have a life ahead of you, things to do, things to enjoy. This man sounds like a textbook abuser. He also has the capacity for spite. Run for the hills! Please give Women’s Aid a call and you may be able to get advice from Rights of Women regarding the car loan. This man is nothing short of a monster. You are not being at all over sensitive. You are recognising red flags.

      • #66593
        TurquoiseSkies
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply. I feel so relieved that from the outside this is classed as abuse!

        I’m not perfect either and we have both done things that have affected the relationship, but he won’t let them go and keeps bringing them up whereas I try not to too keep everything peaceful and move forward.

        Sorry about the bad grammar, I was typing so quick just to get it out!

        I’ve been to the bank and they said it is my loan therefore my responsibility to pay it back which is fair enough on their part, but I’ll definitely give Women’s Aid a ring as I’m not even in a position to be able to pay it back myself if he refuses.

        I told him I needed space and every time I’ve tried to arrange to see him to talk and to ask him to sign this agreement (which I haven’t told him yet as I don’t know how he’ll react) he leaves the house or says he’s past talking and is not playing along with my “game”. He says if I want a break to figure out whether I want to be with him then as far as he’s concerned there is nothing to figure out.

      • #66611
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi there,

        Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

        You are not being too sensitive. You have described a man that is very controlling and manipulative. It sounds like you are treading on eggshells with him. Men like this want to have power and control over women, that isn’t love and you deserve better than this.

        As already mentioned it may be worth accessing legal advice about the car loan. maddog mentioned Rights of Women, this is a service run by volunteer female solicitors and they can give you free legal advice over the phone.

        If this loan was taken out in the context of domestic abuse, there may be other options. I would advise speaking to Rights of Women about this in more detail.

        You may want to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

        You could also contact your local domestic abuse service for support face to face.

        Take care and keep posting

        Best Wishes

        Lisa

    • #66602
      maddog
      Participant

      Well done! One way or another you will find a way forward. For the time being your safety must take priority. Please do not try and explain anything to your partner about your relationship. He will use whatever you say against you and make it seem even more like your fault. None of us are perfect but his behaviour is abusive.

      When I realised that what I told my ex would be used by him against him I stopped discussing anything more than perhaps the weather. There is no point. I have advised my daughter the same, although it’s much harder for her as he’s her dad and she’s a child. Don’t tell him you’re calling off the relationship. Don’t tell him anything!

    • #66610
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      No you are not being too sensitive this is abuse, it is control. Please please please don’t ever doubt yourself, or your instincts. I wish I hadn’t and was in a very similar position – in the end I thought it was normal and became a shadow of my former self. I had everyone thinks you are stupid and a c**p Mum….was told I was fat, told I made a fool of myself, that he didn’t trust me, text me constantly…stay safe sweetheart – it isn’t you xx

    • #66616
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      No you’re not being too sensitive.
      This is your inner self screaming at you somethings not right. The emotional bond to an abuser is what keeps us there, some of us for decades.
      You’re here because deep down you know somethings not right. DA is prevalent nowadays, its on soaps, posters in surgeries and hospitals. The advice and help is out there we just need to acknowledge it for what it is. I didn’t do that for years. I cried for years, ive been sad and unhappy for so long i can’t ever see me EVER being happy and truly happy again. I dont know the last time i relaxed or felt relaxed. I agree with maddog, dont try and explain anything to him. Its hard cos theyre our go to for everything, but whatever you confide to him, he will use it against you time and time again in future arguements in order to justify his actions to himself. Its scary and humiliating to be in this situation. Find strength and comfort from everyone on here. I’m finding im opening up to everyone who listen to me, i cant seen to stop it. Once the stopper is out of the tap the water flows freely, only he can stop it if you let hom. Don’t let him silence your voice. You’ll find your safe way through this, we do what we have to in order to survive. No one judges on here, we’ve all been or are still going through the exact same feelings, thoughts and emotions as each ither jyst in different scenarios.
      Keep strong and keep posting
      IWMB 💕💕
      The hardest thing i have done is contact WA, next it is a lawyer.
      Baby steps, dont feel youre letting anyone down by not leaving. You and only you can decide what to do and only when you’re ready. Xx

    • #66620
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      You say it’s obvious he loves you,’ Turquoise, but I don’ t think it’s obvious at all. He clearly loves controlling and exploiting you, but that’s quite different.

      You’re not perfect, true; nobody is. What makes you think you need to be perfect before you are worthy of an equal, loving relationship? You’re worthy of that just as you are, and he clearly isn’t capable of holding up one side of such a relationship. Or if he is capable, he’s not interested.

      If you leave, you probably will get stuck with the loan and he’ll have the car. That will hurt but you might decide it’s a price worth paying for your freedom and sanity. It’s a hard lesson, lovely. I’m so glad your mum is organising things to rescue you – she sees what it’s all doing to you. I’d say grab that help and get clear of this liability of a man.

      Flower x

    • #66650
      TurquoiseSkies
      Participant

      Thank you for all the support, it really means a lot! I feel like it’s keeping me grounded and focused.

      I text him to arrange to meet (detail removed by moderator) about this agreement without actually mentioning it in case he declined. He was being snappy saying I don’t need to see him for anything and if I want my belongings from his house then to get in touch with him mum.  (Detail removed by moderator)

      He then started asking if we were definitely finishing and kept pestering me to answer him but I didn’t want to say yes in case he changed his mind about the agreement so I just avoided the question. He was texting me all night, soppy messages and saying he couldn’t sleep cause he was thinking of me.

      (Detail removed by moderator). He signed the agreement no problem and was asking what I wanted but I didn’t feel comfortable saying at the time. He still doesn’t see anything wrong with his actions, even though I said I feel like the bad times outweigh the good. He said I’m just as bad as him. That “I let things get to me more than a normal person and that’s why I feel like this.” He kept pushing me asking what was happening so I said I need space. He said so will you be giving me a text and I just walked away because it was too much. He was being nice, asking for cuddles and saying have a good day, i love you and stuff and when I didn’t reply he just laughed.

      I feel awful now, I keep remembering the good times. But I also feel like he’s not taking me seriously. I just want out but I don’t want to actually go through with the whole situation.

    • #66652
      maddog
      Participant

      Well done! It’s early days. I had good times in the decades with my ex. They are overshadowed by the bad things he did, the things I shoved under the carpet. I so wanted to believe him and not believe that someone would behave like him. Perpetrators of abuse follow a pattern. I’ve learned through Women’s Aid and watching youtube videos how the people who help us can tell what is going to happen next, like fortune tellers!

      His behaviour is completely up to him. You are heading in the right direction!

      • #66658
        TurquoiseSkies
        Participant

        Thank you. I definitely want to end it but I don’t know how to go about it. Should I just text him and say I want to end things? I’ve tried explaining that it’s unhealthy but he won’t accept it and keeps referring back to a certain day last week which was the trigger for me, thinking this is the only reason no matter what I try to say. I feel it’s pointless trying to explain to him the reasons as he just turns it round on me.

        Any advice on what to say to him and how to go about it? I’ll be doing it over text – not the best I know but I can’t be face to face as I’ll change my mind or won’t being able to forget how hurt he looked. Plus I think he already knows where its heading by refusing to see me face to face when I say we need to talk.

      • #66659
        Raincloud
        Participant

        Could you possibly cut all contact with him and block him from being able to contact you? Is an explanation really needed as he isn’t going to accept anything you say. This is why you are feeling like he isn’t listening to you, because he isn’t there is no reasoning or rationalising with these type of men.

        Big hugs x

    • #66667
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Well done, Turquoise, you’ve been strong,lever and determined. You’re nearly there now!

      Bottom line: it takes TWO committed people to keep a relationship going. If you want out, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks and wants, does it? He can’t keep you against your will. You don’t need his permission or approval to be gone, you just go. End of. You seem to feel a need to convince him or justify your decision to him. You won’t ever be able to do that and you aren’t obliged to try. Talking to him will just mean you get drawn back into the sticky black swamp that is an abuser’s entitled thinking. Please don’t go there it’s pointless and exhausting and you get covered in his mess, to put it politely. Let him wallow there alone, darling – you have better places to be.

      If you end it by text it can be clean and quick but you need to seal it off so he can’t wriggle through again. You could say you’re ending it because it isn’t making you happy and it brings no joy or excitement into your life. (Those are YOUR feelings so he can’t logically argue with them.) You simply can tell him you want no further contact of any kind with him, ever. Don’t ask; tell. Then just block him on your phone and social media. Watch out for friends of friends settings so he can’t see you. It might be worth going quiet for a bit anyway. You might need to get a new email. If he turns up or pesters you in any way, it’s important not to respond or agree to talk things over, etc. If he annoys you or persists or gets nasty, it’s stalking or harassment and you can go to the police about it. Don’t warn him: just report it.

      The answer is in your hands. Oh, and if he’s ever had your phone in his hands or his fingers on your keyboard, he may be tracking you or cyberstalking. Turn off the geo bit of your phone and change all you passwords, especially to bank accounts. Here’s wishing you a clean break and your life and future back!

      If you have stuff at his place, don’t go there for it. If you want anything, tell your mum and ask her to sort it through his mum, but make sure your mum knows not get drawn in to talking about you.

      Flower x

    • #66688
      asdfghjkl
      Participant

      Hello,
      After hesitating for a long time I have finally got the courage to share my story with you because I feel that I am on my own with my thoughts and I have to have a place where I can discuss them.
      I have not experienced rape or physical abuse, and I am still struggling to label my previous relationship but after having read a library amount of books, seen therapist and read many of your posts I am getting close to being able to identify it as abnormal, emotionally abusive relationship.

      It all started when I was still at college (very young) and lasted more than a (Detail removed by Moderator) (very long). He was much older than me, in an open marriage at that time with kid but convinced me that all party is happy with that and so on. He was amazing, there was love bombing, I was the best, smart, young, beautiful, the queen of his sex fantasies – and his toy as well. He charmed me into many-many situations re sex where I wouldn’t have wanted to be on my own but he could convince me with his charm and his later exaggerated intimacy. He always told me that if I do this and that for him than he would love me more and that I was the best. I was young and he had a very social lifestyle so, I thought it is all part of the fun…I did it but it always left me disgusted and and felt shame the next day. Especially because he made photos and ‘we’ uploaded them to the internet to find more fun…Hated it and still hate it. I trusted him though so I kind of motivated myself to enjoy these things but truly…He mastered it: he kept mentioning how his ex did this and that and because I wanted them to get divorced, of course I wanted to be better.
      The intimacy was only present after these sex acts for some time but of course he had more and more fantasies and more and more demands…If I did not comply he acted like he was disappointed and suggested that maybe I am not the one.

      This was the first chapter, coloured with two breakups with multiple cheating on me but when I really wanted to leave him forever he managed to convince me to get back to him by divorcing and moving together with me. He changed he said. Since then a very painful couple of years followed, we changed home locations which resulted me to lose my job (I was very successful) but he could still tend his occasionally. (I really loved my job.) Depressed but quiet couple of years came by where I thought that finally we can start a family as it was long promised but he started to act depressed and that justified why he continued his drinking and moderated but everyday drug consumption. And it is where all started…I started to get into depression and started to not comply: could not be happy, cheerful, sexy anymore, my cup was empty so there was nowhere to pour from…And suddenly I started to see myself from the outside: he blamed me for everything, he made do all the work, the household, the excess work, he managed all the paperwork re our life, and he knew everything on Earth better than me. He kept saying I am dumb, not attractive anymore, too sensitive, cannot take criticism (he even criticized my facial expression in windy weather outside and the way I walked), never happy with anything and so on with occasional yelling on me even in front of his kids, he gave me looks when I said or did something inappropriate (in his opinion) in front of friends and his family – it went for at least (Detail removed by Moderator) years. And I was way away from all my friends and all my family in a place where I did not know a single soul.
      I broke up (Detail removed by Moderator) months ago and left him for good. On my own. I only trusted my therapist who managed to open my eye, I have got a brilliant job since that I am very good at, I started to have friends but I cannot trust and I have flashbacks all the time, every day, every week. I don’t believe these voices anymore in my head (his voice) but I feel that I can finally understand what happened and I am so angry sometimes but I just cannot share it with anybody because I feel that this what happened to me is soooo surreal that no one would believe me (and all my friends know him and like him). Since it was very difficult for me to understand it, I feel, I broke free but I only got into another prison where I am on my own again, lonely as my little finger. I just don’t how when will I be over this and move on if ever.

      Thank you for the opportunity to share these, and sorry if I was too long…
      asdfghjkl

      • #66697
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Thank you for taking the courage to share your story. It sounds very like grooming to me. I hope you can find a way to let go of the anger you feel towards him,(i can’t even think of a word to describe him, he’s despicable)for your own piece of mind. Trust only those you want to, you owe no one any favours. I’m glad your working again, its something tangible and just for you. Have you spoken to anyone from WA? Ì think they may be able to guide you towards counselling, you may have PTSD, in any case you have been through an extremely traumatic time in your life.
        It may be early days but could you see it as something we as survivors have to endure in order to help others in out situation. I believe we are all here for a reason, our life path is certainly extremely trying, and some are more so than others. But if we allow what they’ve done to us, to define us, then they’ve won. I’m angry enough to not let my OH dictate my life til my end of days. I’ve not yet managed to leave, I’m a work in progress, but i see light at the end of the tunnel.
        Keep posting, the more you read others posts it will help you also. you are an amazing, incredible lady who has survived despite his attempts otherwise.
        Blessings to you
        IWMB 💕💕💕

    • #66693
      maddog
      Participant

      My ex eventually divorced his wife. He said it was for me. It wasn’t. I bet she cracked a bottle of champagne the day he left. He treated her appallingly. He told me as much. Of course I was in love although after a couple of years thought seriously about leaving him. Had I been able to find my friend, I would have. I couldn’t find her, so I shoved it all under the carpet and went back.

      It is difficult to articulate the anger. My ex didn’t have any friends, so the only people we went out with were mine, and my family, never his. As though his family was a dirty secret.

      I think lots of people can’t compute domestic abuse. I think lots of people don’t recognise what is under their nose. I know I didn’t. I projected it onto other people to protect myself.

      My ex petitioned me for divorce by which time I really didn’t care what he said about me. The marriage had been dead in the water for longer than I can pin down. He knew that I was serious when I told him I wanted a divorce so he had to take the upper hand no matter what.

      We are definitely not alone, and I have many friends who escaped decades ago who are some of the most fantastic women.

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