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    • #113728
      Penny21
      Participant

      Hi I’ve not posted for a while as I stupidly believed things were ok or I had tried to convince myself they were as I’ll do anything not to upset him.

      But it’s only so long I can do it. We’re having a few problems with our son and he basically said it’s my fault he’s like that as he never was as a child/teenager. Our son barely speaks to him and they don’t have a good relationship and that’s my fault too as I’ve turned him against him or made him the way he is.

      I can’t say anything back as he will start shouting and I’m so scared of this. The thought of him shouting at me gives me so much anxiety it makes me ill. I can’t believe I allow someone who’s supposed to love me makes me feel this way.

      I’m so desperate to keep the peace and not rock the boat but it’s exhausting. I’ve worked full time throughout Covid while he’s been furloughed for (detail removed by moderator) yet I’m the one who still does all the housework and cooking etc. as I’m too scared to say anything. How pathetic is that.

      Why can’t I stand up to him and how can I ever leave if I can’t tell him how I feel? I feel like I’m trapped.

      Thanks for listening.

       

       

    • #113743
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there. No things won’t change in fact abuse always gets worse. It’s no wonder your child won’t communicate with a man who abuses his mother. He’s probably just as scared as you. Witnessing abuse as a child has long and very detrimental mental health problems so you really need help to escape from this bully. Children are far more likely to be abused as adults if they see this behaviour in childhood so perhaps knowing this will help you seek the help you both need. His abuse has got you so scared you’ve frozen. Talk to your local women’s aid. You need outside help. An abuser won’t accept responsibility and just changes the goal posts constantly which leaves us spinning. You’ve probably tried standing up to him many times but it leaves you scared which is how abusers Programme us not to question them. We become a shell of a person. We learn from them how to become helpless. Making you work full time and do everything round the house leaves you exhausted and even easier to manage. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he enjoys it. The best thing you can do is plan a safe exit with your child with the help of women’s aid but never tell your husband as it’s a dangerous time when we leave an abuser.

    • #113748
      songbird1
      Participant

      Hey Penny,

      I have recently read a book called ‘Living With the Dominator’ and it really helped me to clarify my out thoughts that my OH behaviour is abusive. I’m still with him but its given me more awareness to see that almost all his behaviour is abusive and I no longer feel responsible or guilty when he tries to manipulate me into feeling that way.

      It’s horrible to feel like we are trapped but were not! We can live happy lives with good men who treat us well. Have a read and feel free to message me what you think! Sending you love and support xx

      • #113757
        Penny21
        Participant

        Thank you both so much for your replies. I’ve just bought the book for my kindle and can already see that he’s a bully from the descriptions. It will be interesting reading am sure and I hope it will give me some strength to leave eventually.

        Thank you again xx

      • #113758
        Penny21
        Participant

        He actually said to me a few weeks ago that I’m so lucky to have him as he treats me so well!! He thinks because he doesn’t hit me or cheat and gives me (some but not enough) money towards the bills he’s a good man. He doesn’t see the emotional abuse. I actually wanted to laugh at him. I have so much hatred for him that any love I had is just dying away.

    • #113759
      KIP.
      Participant

      He absolutely does see the emotional abuse. He just won’t admit it. That was the shocking thing for me that they know exactly what they’re doing. They do it in private which shows it’s totally calculated and controlled. They gaslight us so we don’t know if we are coming or going. When we point out they’re wrong we get gaslighted more. It destroys our confidence and self esteem. He is the deluded one not you. Yes once my eyes were opened the love just faded away and I was left with trauma bond and trauma to deal with. They tell us we are so lucky to have them because of their own insecurities not ours. Try to concentrate on yourself and keep a journal so you can look back and spot his lies and abuse. It’s hard when we are in the middle of it but reading a journal makes it clear. Also try writing down all the abuse from the beginning x

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