Am I doing the right thing?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hello

Really scared, he’s not that bad really.

My kids school did home visit (detail removed by moderator). They’ve known things weren’t right but my child told them half term was tricky. Dad not speaking nicely to me, it’s not been horrific but undermines me or a bit rude.

Anyway, they gave me option of social services involvement I said yes but now frightened. I’m seeing refuge lady next week and school said we had already been flagged something wasn’t right by another agency working with my child.

They said if I play ball it is better now than later when more flags are raised. But I’m still frightened.

He’s not violent just mean. He’s growing and smoking weed. Kids know this so do school.

I feel so guilty and so does my child.

Am I doing the right thing?

[Iwantmeback]

Yes you are, this is outsiders doing the best thing they can for your child and you. This is your get out card it seems. With you cooperating it shows you’re willing to protect your child you’re putting them first before things escalate. If he’s growing and selling and( using ?)He’ll be erratic, paranoid, just not nice to be around. Being just mean, that’s still an ok reason to leave a relationship. Better leave when he’s just mean than anything worse. Being mean, does that mean he’s a bully, spiteful, messing with your head. Once you recognise him for what he is, you’ll see he is more than just mean. We minimise their behaviour in order to be able to stay, if we didn’t we’d have been long gone before now. You’re getting there CB, you have outsiders watching your back. Don’t let him know, because he’ll be on his best behaviour in order to fool them.

IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

youve done the right thing social services will protect you and the kids from him. Try to get your head around not having him in your life. look up trauma bonding its not the same as love xx stay strong and put your faith in the professionals just be honest and true to yourself xx diymum

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for replying

My anxiety is through the roof, so now that’s it? No going back? I’m so upset, so is my child.

Can he not change? Idk why does it have to be this way. I will miss his good points. Feeling a loss.

I’m scared of social services, you hear bad things.

My husband is still here and I don’t know what will happen I’ve no plan. I still love him. He’s my friend even if he is horrible to me.

Is my reaction common I’m surprised having been so upset that I now feel a loss.

X*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

He knows now, woke up this morning and he’s said (detail removed by moderator) I’ve tried to say as little as possible to not a fuel to fire. But have said I can’t see us going on anymore.

[diymum@1]

Yes its normal to feel like this its your trauma bond talking though.

Heres an example of how we come to be trauma bonded; so he verbally attacks you maybe throws something at you or hits you if things escalate. You decide youve had enough and leave – you go to your parents or a friends or even refuge and you tell them what hes done. They take your side say theyll support you he is a dangerous man- dont go back. Time passes and your starting to miss him you dont understand why. it gets too much you agree to meet him he talks you round and you go back to him. the next day its just you and him again your parents/friends dont call your not sure what theyre say about you now. you can imagine theyre saying your making a big mistake. Theve had enough etc etc. You now feel ashamed,your self esteem gets dimin ished even more.You start to feel like hes all you have you now rely on him even more its like you and him against the world (its a honey moon phase again) you convince your self he isnt so bad he will change. time goes by and he starts up again it escalates and he hits you, youve no where to go turn. This is how a trauma bond gets stronger.

So when you leave, and i know its not easy you really have to say 100% even if this hurts this is it, no going back or the above will happen. Your situation will get worse. Trauma bonding does resolve, it can take a few months. This is where you have to plan how you will cope emotionally- so no contact with him (at all), think of coping tools to do this- like staying busy, go to therapy, talk to other women going through this,read about this subject help other people on here by telling them your storey/ give advice. i think giving can be very healing.

Im not an expert and all of the above concentrates on you. i know that you have the kids to think about on top of the above. your kids may also be trauma bonded to him. You wont always feel like this, neither will they. He wont change this is how he is, only you can make that change. social services have your best interests at heart they want to protect you and they want to see you committed to just that which means keeping him away. its hard to end a relationship and even harder to end an abusive one. Lean on everyone you can, try to tell yourself i will be ok, stay strong you are honestly doing the best thing here, what would be the alternative? i dont think there is one. i wish i could take you by the hand and lead you through every step of this. ive been there too but im so glad i took those very steps, in a few months so will you i promise. have faith lots of love diymum xx

[Iwantmeback]

If it’s any consolation my oh has been saying that to me for months now. I’ve still not actually came right out and agreed with him, I can’t say the words. I’ve not said i love you in over a year, what i have said is I’m not sure. Take each day one step at a time. Worrying about things outwith your control will make you so sick. It’s hard, once that knot in your stomach starts twisting, only the anxiety going will stop it. Just know that you’re not alone and that you know deep down the relationship can’t go on. He’ll promise you everything but the scales have lifted from your eyes and you will only be waiting for him to lose it IF you decide not to follow this through.
Good luck, keep busy keep strong for your child’s sake as well as your own.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

morning IWMB – this is the thing as well i think its underestimated how physically ill we become in dealing with all the emotional stress. That is very isolating in itself, i actually have a fear off stress because it definitely gives me physical pain xx luv to you both xx 🙂 diy mum

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks IWMB and Diy Mum it really has helped reading you replies.

Just to update you social servies involvement has been cancelled. Kids school decided as not in immediate danger, no violence, any involvment is mostly to keep family together and would be with Family Solutions who wouldnt handle things well, their opinion.

They are still in support of me meeting with Womens refuge and getting out, but i dont want to leave my home and neither do kids.

My eldest wanted to talk to their father, so with me there they told them what happened with school that social services had been mentioned, that we are being flagged for his behaviour towards kids. He was great with our child and has since wanted to help them with their mental health was going to take (detail removed by moderator) of work (self emplyed) to work with them on fitness, to loose wieght and generally make them feel better. Our child says they couldnt do that with him as it would be awkward theyre worried he will get frustrated although best intentions.

So we have suggested other ways of getting them together rebuilding their relationship like gardenting.

However, during this discussion, we both said he needed to get help and why. We said he need to move out and sort himself out.

I can see this is probably part of his trauma bonding (Ive looked it up, as you mentioned it) and to get my child onside. I can also see he should have done this in the first place, so dont feel its genuine.

Now, he then makes it clear he thinks I am getting the kids to think theyre being emotionally abused. He ignores that the agencies we work with and the kids coming to me and protecting me at times from him have been whats brought this to the surface. So regardless of how he appears that was his immediate reaction, the hate in his face towards me, versus the kindness to our child it hurt. Ive done nothing wrong, Im not perfect I know. Now bearing in mind his drug use, his drug growing has been a problem, he says that will not stop (until the next time) and he then tells my child that when i was pregnant with my eldest I smoke weed. Now it is true I did, Im not perfect, but it was only a couple of times and I regretted it and felt guilty, it stopped. But my point is he should never have told our children this, unless I was ok with it, he said it inspite and not to help the situation but to make me look bad because he does, I am so angry and its not the first time, obviously I am now recognising this. I really hate him.

He wont move out he says he needs to be here to see the kids, morning and night.

I am so tense, so angry and hurt.

I feel obliged to stay but them school and agencies know whats happening so i feel I cant.

I know its wrong to be with him but he wont go, this is so confusing and draining and I am exhausted.

My eldest keeps talking to me saying what are we going to do, they are so cofused, and clinically depressed. I feel so guilty for talking to them but they have needed to talk to me. This seems so unfair.

[diymum@1]

Hi im going to read this over again and reply properly but can you get a prohibited steps order. It sounds like he should be leaving the house tbh xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi CB💜, you are doing so well, giving your living arrangements. Your oh is going to try every dirty trick in the book to convince/coerce you into letting him stay. Have you been to your doctor yet? By doing this, getting on record how his behabiour is affecting you and the children, this can be used by a solicitor to get an interim exclusion order which will get him put out of the family home.tell them aniut the school and social services, how they don’t seem your children to be at risk. Maybe not in this moment in time, but their future sense of well being most certainly is, until the agencies realise this, too many children will still be let down. Your local WA should know of a local solicitor. Mine got an appointment with one of them at their offices so I didn’t need to travel too far. You always worry your oh finds out. It’s like they have eyes everywhere. For the exclusion order you’ll need two statements of abuse, one from you and one from someone who knows you. Plus one from a professional, that’s why going to the doctor is a good place to start. WA can temporarily put you into a refuge(if there’s a space available) or a safe house(if they have one free) in order for him to get out of the house. You don’t have to put up with him living there. Do you own your home together or is it rented. A solicitor will give their first appointment free of charge and will determine if you’re eligible for legal aid too. I’ve not had to deal with leaving with children, in fact I’m still living with him, but there are many on here who have left and are still posting to help those of us still trying to get out.
So you smoked w..d when you were pregnant many women do, they also smoke and drink. You took the adult decision and decided not to continue to do so. He is just muck raking, what he is doing is more harmful to all of you than a few smokes while pregnant.😔
You can do this, your child sounds strong and ready to walk with you.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

What he is doing is illegal. Can you involve the police and have him removed from the property? He’s going nowhere. No matter what he says and promises. He’s going to gaslight and abuse the children further. He has shown he doesn’t care about their welfare. Time to take the gloves off and get him out your home x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I though I would update you all as you have all been so supportive.

I met with a lovely lady from the refuge a few days ago. But before this, my husband, (detail removed by Moderator) decided to approach me, I wasn’t ready. He asked me if I wanted him to leave, I said yes. He then went through everything with me and I backed down. He says he will try harder, the kids need him, he will stop growing weed, he hasn’t stopped smoking it though, and I know this is part of the cycle and I know it will all go back to how it was. I need to see this one more time I think? Right now everything feels like it was all a bad dream, however, im not stupid and I know.

My eldest son (doesn’t live with me) cant stand my situation, my eldest as home was in bits that dad was leaving as I think they felt guilty about school and what was said about social services, they want dad to get help and for him to stay, I also think they want the nice things that go with dad, the holiday abroad, the days out we might have as a family that I cant do as I cant (detail removed by Moderator) due to my anxiety. I said, although he wasn’t leaving, that I am not putting up with anymore of his bad ways. My child was instantly calmer having been climbing the roof for weeks. They held my hand and it felt better for a moment, peaceful. I know he won’t get help but my child desperately wants him to.

Discussing things with the lady from the refuge was so helpful, she understood, nobody else does. I do appreciate that obviously posting on here you all do understand. My family think im being over the top. I explained about how he would have to move out and it may mean going no contact etc, they think he’s a nice guy and why would I do that to him, this is my parents, my brothers????

Ive left it for now that I will get some counselling from the refuge, that once things start to go wrong again I will be in touch again with the contact I now have. I just need my child to see the cycle too so they understand that it is not their fault and that it will happen again and again and it must stop.

I need to be ready and I was not, the lady from refuge said that was fine and I will be ready once I am feeling stronger, that I already am now I am realising what is happening to us and once I have read more and talked more and seen more etc etc.

I think it all seemed to be happening so quickly and was so intense Im hopeful that next time I will be ready x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi , when I first met with the lady from WA, she literally offered me a safe flat there and then. Id only went for advice and the quickness of it all scared me and I refused it. I’m not saying I wish id taken it, I guess like you I wanted to prove I was in an abusive cycle which I am. It really floored me someone believing me when I was finding it hard to believe myself. I felt empowered with the knowledge someone was there and I could be given a place to go to. that opportunity is gone now, someone else has that wee flat and I’m still here aware my husband is abusive, despising him more and more yet still unable to break away.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi IWMB its nice to hear you were able to find WA supportive and hopefully when you are ready that support will be there again. Its so hard to trust yourself and know what is the best thing to do, seeing the cycle again just confirms and helps to open our eyes. I really hope you find the strength to leave as you sound so unhappy with your husband, have WA offered counselling to help you break the cycle and move on? I know it really does none of us on the receiving end any good at all, we get consumed with their negativity and become someone completely different to our true selves. I even look at myself now and worry Im abusvie as I have become so negative towards my husband I feel Im unkind in return, that in itself is unhealthy.

Look after yourself IWMB, sending love and hugs x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi CB, that’s how I feel now too. Cold, distant, abusive to him, I keep trying to remind myself I’m not giving him the silent treatment, I’m going grey rock. I’m not doing it to punish him, I’m doing it to break my ties to him, to protect me. I saw psychologist through my doctor who thought it would be counter productive to get councelling while I still live with him. Not sure if my local WA has that facility. I’m a bit loathe to call them again since I’ve not left him. Feel as if I’m wasting their time, as they can’t do anything for me until I do, yet am told to phone them anytime.
I do feel stronger though, I’m not in the bowels of despair like I was in the beginning of this revelation, and that’s thanks to this forum, and the knowledge I’m gaining every day.
Thank you for your words of encouragement too. Words, whoever writes them, really do mean a lot to everyone of us who read them.

IWMB 💕💕

[Doris]

Hi, I also have very negative feelings towards my husband now that I know there is a bit more to his behaviour than simply the stresses of modern life. I am not happy about the negativity in my heart and need to keep reminding myself to be cheerful towards him but it’s quite difficult when he makes disparaging and sarcastic remarks all the time. Fortunately when I am with friends, my sister or daughter I am so different, laugh spontaneously, talk and joke without worrying that he will take offence and so I am reminded that the negative me is not who I am. I am sure this goes for all of us, IWMB. We behave, speak and think differently when our abusers are around. It’s not on purpose but a defence. X

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