- This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’m now out of my relationship of (detail removed by moderator). It’s quite recent so very raw.
If you’d asked me a year ago who was to blame I would have said without a doubt it was him. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve almost become fearless to the violence. I start arguments when drunk-as I’m writing this I’m thinking maybe because this is the only time I dare broach subjects that have deeply affected me.
There has been emotional abuse from very early on. I was completely bowled over by him. My soulmate, our sexual chemistry grew into something I’d never had and my best friend. But he cheated even at the beginning. When I put 2 + 2 together he told me I was going mad. I was wrong. Long story short my mental health deteriorates after this and I end up in crisis. I’ve always known he had the affair despite shelving it and convincing myself he loved me now.
The violence was a one off at first. During a particularly bad row he dragged me by my hair and threw me into the fireplace then kicked me. Then the real emotional abuse started. Gaslighting. Talking me round and round in circles till I didn’t know whether I was coming or going- then shouting because I was silent on the other end of the phone because my mind literally emptied. Void. He would pull away whenever I was low. I learnt this so I would avoid telling him but he would badger me saying he knew something was wrong and say he couldn’t help if he didn’t know. I’d crumble and tell him then he’d minimalism my feelings and ask if it was him causing it? I’d say no because he would threaten to leave. The asking if it was him seems innocent to other people but it became his weapon. Whenever I showed my vulnerability he would go cold. I’ve clung to his leg begging him not to leave me. No matter how many tines I went through this I always fell for it. When I was strong he got needy. When I was happy he was low. When I starts to get therapy he said ‘ when you’re better you won’t need me anymore’
There’s so much more that has happened but I don’t have time to write it all- to be honest I’m that jumbled up it’s merged into one and I’ve forgotten a lot.
My point is.. During the emotional abuse I was weak and the violence was not there. We broke up and for the first tine ever I let him go. It nearly killed me but I got on with my life. After a while he cane back. He couldn’t live without me. He was wrong I was right. He just wanted me happy. He told me everything I’d ever wanted to hear. Of course it started again after a while but I felt stronger. I argued back. In short we split again many times.. he cane back same old talk, I believed it. Souls intertwined. Never to be apart always leading back to each other.(!) Because I was stronger each argument I said more. Admittedly I said vile, horrible things I’m ashamed of and the violence kept getting worse.
I’m wondering now if the emotional abuse is usually enough for him? He says he’s never hit any other woman than me. But I know he’s been emotionally abusive before.
Have I done this to him? I know I have a nasty tongue. The last assault happened because I started an argument about the historic affair (which he’s admitted was true and I was right) I ended up in A&E and finally had him arrested. I ended up feeling sorry for him because I knew how scared he’d be in the cell.I know this is a garbled mess and I’ve probably not explained a minute part of any of it. But have I become a monster? I almost wanted him to kill me this lat time. As he was punching me I told him to keep going.
The best part? I still ache for him. Still love him
-
I’m sorry.. I’ve read through my post and it makes no sense. My head is a mess and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. There’s too much. Too much to try and even explain x
-
Tinsel,
I am new to this forum, but from your story it is clearly visible that you were and you still are abused, i think you know it.
I am straight person and my mum and my mother in law are saying I must be more diplomatic with him, I must keep silence and not to answer, that is better to do what he is asking for than to argue to him. These are just stupid advises which didn’t let me run away quicker. The problem is – nothing helps! They don’t need reason, they need occasion to abuse! Or even no occasion, just wrong face or wrong sight. They need to spill out their aggression, and if not on you, they will find another person.If you don’t like your relationship, you have to end them, even there is no abuse. You don’t have to work on them, you don’t have to find who is guilty, you can be happy and you will be happy, you just need to go away! You will NEVER be happy with this man, even if you will become the best woman in the whole world. Because you are not the reason for him to behave in such a way. You are just an object.
-
Thank you for replying x
It’s all just so complicated..I know how difficult a person I am and how infuriating I can be even to family and friends x
It used to be so clear cut to me but I think I might have become part of the problem. Maybe he did love me and I’ve killed it now x
I’m so lost and empty. I can’t bear the thought of being intimate with anyone other than him. I can’t breath sometimes at the thought of never being held by him again
-
Tinsel
This is so close to me! I am also difficult and emotional and manipulating and controlling and dominating. I think we all are, some more and some less. The answer is that you can be happy even if you are difficult and dominating, you just need to have another man with you! Your bad points could be good points for a different man!
Anyone can be in happy relationship, doesn’t matter how old he is, what size he wears or is he cruel or kind.
The only way to find the right person is to run away from bad relationship. Bad relationship will never become good. Because they already are bad.Another thing about me (but may be this will be helpful for you) is to find out why do you like to feel abused, to feel pain and to be unhappy. I completely understand that nobody wants to be abused, but normal woman would run away after first bad signs. I have found in a very good book, that we all are looking for the partner (unconsciously) who could give us emotions we were feeling in our childhood.
As about me, my dad was drinking a lot and when drunk – abused me and my mum. In the morning he was the best daddy, but after work – another person I hated. I realise now, that now, I have exactly the same in my life. My husband is like 2 different persons – 1 of them I love, 2 – I hate. And when I realised this, I understood, that I do not love him. I am dependant on him. I need the emotions I suffer because from my childhood this is the only way I saw how the family must look. This is the only feelings I could be safe in, even sounds terrible.
You don’t want to lose him because you will lose these emotions.This is a bit complicated for me to explain, there was a big book to read )
-
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain x I’m sorry x It’s positive that you are exploring reasons as to why you accepted the abuse x You should be proud of yourself x
At the moment I’m craving him but I know he won’t be back this time. The police have warned him off x He will move on now and I’m still stuck in this hell..I’m really struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I know from previous experience that even in months I will still have this pain. Still crave him and I don’t think I can go through it again. I feel possessed by him. I can’t escape in sleep because he’s in my dreams . I can’t cope
-
i don’t know if I am allowed to post the links here, but I’ll try
-
Tincel,
The exit is just behind you!
You can control this dependence, you just need to realise that you are dependant!
Good psychologist could help you! May be you may try this?I understand you completely! My husband was packing his stuff and moving out several times for 1-2 weeks and i was feeling empty and unhappy. That’s because I’ve lost myself with him. This was everything about him, not about me! My life was oriented on him, no hobbies, no friend, no going out – he made me to live such a life, it was so convenient for him. To empty me so I can’t live without him!
Try to find yourself! To build happy relationship with yourself. To love yourself, to be happy with yourself, to spend time with yourself. Do what you want and what makes you feel happy – shopping, friends, go for a trip, i don’t know… Just move your focus from him ! There are a lot of happy things around you can’t see because you were focused on him for such a long time.
You must find yourself again. -
I have no friends left x I fell out with them when they wouldn’t accept him because of all the abuse to me..
He was my everything and I have nothing now just emptiness. At least even with the occasional hurt I felt some love and we were good even amazing most of the time. Now I’m empty feel dead x
-
Hi Tinsel, sorry you’re hurting so much right now. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low and lost.
You feel like you’ve lost your whole world because he took ‘Your world’ away from you so all you had left was him. That’s what mine did too. They isolate us from our friends and family so there’s less chance of you telling anyone about the abuse and you’re totally dependent on them. It’s hard to hear and even harder to deal with. But you had friends and family before, you can and will again. You can survive without him, you did before
You need to take your mind off him like sunshine says. Start discovering new things, new people, but most importantly yourself. Looking after yourself is what you need to do now. Rebuilding your relationship with friends and family, you are not a monster, they just love to make us feel like that. Be kind to yourself and gentle
Take care of you, learn to love you, you’re worth it! -
Thank you for your kind words x Crying x The thing is it’s me that’s isolated myself x Never once has he told me to not see friends x
I should hate him after all he’s done to me but all I can see are the good points. I’ve been strangled, beaten, thrown into things, punched, held down whilst vomiting to choke on it and all I can think of is the other things and the good times. What the hell is wrong with me? Where is my fight?
-
The thing is it’s me that’s isolated myself x Never once has he told me to not see friends x
Are you sure?
Of cause they don’t tell “You are not allowed to have friends”.
Everything is much more smarter, like:
– Why are you talking to (friend) so long? You spend more time with her than with me!
– If you go out with your friend i also will go with mine till the morning.
(or he just comes home drunk completely so you’ll think twice next time before you go)
– Or he is ok you meet your friends but 10 minutes before you go he is saying – You’ll have fun, but I’ll be here alone. Or he is calling you every 20 minutes and asking when are you going to come home. Or he is angry when you are 5 mins late.
He is doing everything so you will feel like you are doing something bad when you are not. And next time you just decide – it is better if I just stay at home.
Mine also didn’t like my friends, telling bad things about them, and when we were together looked bored or just had another things to do and didn’t join us.Sure he will tell now – you could have friends, but the thing is I actually couldn’t!
Tinsel,
You can change your life. changes never go easy. Nothing will happen if you won’t go out from your comfort zone, which is crying and living in your past. This is your past, you cannot change anything, but you can build your new life now! You have a great chance to do it! Just try to find positive moments in everything you have and you do. -
Hi Tinsel,
Welcome to the forum 🙂 I can say with 100% conviction that you did not cause him to be violent, all abusers choose to abuse because it gives them power and control. They like to make us THINK we are the reason for it because then we blame ourselves and become even more compliant and don’t leave them. They can’t have us realising that they are choosing to abuse us as then we wise up, get strong and leave.
I felt exactly as you are describing when I ended my relationship, like I literally craved him, physically, mentally, everything. I had to hug pillows and sob into them I was distraught, despite being terrified of him and knowing that he is most likely a dangerous psychopath. Nobody has ever treated me as badly as he did, but yet I missed him more than anyone. And the reason is Trauma Bonding. If you look it up in google it will explain that addictive feeling you are experiencing. You’re basically like an addict going through cold turkey, I have never taken drugs but I have read psychologists say that leaving an abuser is a very similar feeling to stopping taking a drug.
On top of that, abusers discourage us from having a life away from them which adds to the intensity and the dependence on them which is another reason it feels so retched when we leave even though we know they are like toxic poison to us.
Like summerday said, often the subsconscious attraction to the abuser is because someone from our childhood treated us in a similar way, for me it was my brother. Therapy can help us work out these unhealthy patterns so we can heal and if we want a relationship in future, we can learn how to spot the abusers and attract the kind, good men instead.
Keep going through this pain, it gets better and you will see it more clearly soon. Read up all you can on abuse, trauma bonding, (detail removed by moderator) get therapy if you can and keep posting for support.
-
i was also going to mention trauma bonding. as i was breaking away from my abuser, i spent 4/5 weeks or so grieving and craving for him, even though i still saw him during that time frame. he was no longer the man i knew as far as i was concerned the mask he had created to hide his true self had shattered as far as i was concerned.
when i took those final steps through that door into the no contact zone i did so with total confidence that when i closed that door i would never see him again by my choice. before taking that final stepit hurt like hell; a rollercoaster of gaslighting, manipulation and every threat, cry for help and guilt trip imaginable being thrown at you. but stay strong.
you deserve better that what he has to offer you!
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
