- This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi, I know that this is a weird one. In my relationship with my ex, I was raped on a regular basis and I really struggle with the idea of sleeping with a man again.
Well 6 months after the breakup, I’ve started feeling attracted to women. I have always identified as straight but I’m really confused and starting to wonder if I am gay or bisexual.
Has this happened to anyone else after a domestically abusive relationship, or is it just my mind protecting me from being hurt by a man again?
-
Yes I’ve experienced this too. I wasn’t attracted to my ex at first, then became super attracted to him and then craved him after I left despite knowing he was a terrible person.
Then I lost my sex drive completely for a few years, during which time I started to question my sexuality despite only ever having dated men. Recently I’ve felt attracted to men again, coinciding with stopping taking a hormonal contraceptive.
I think a combination of PTSD, trauma processing, discovering radical feminism and hormones made me confused. I find labelling myself stressful since whenever I try no label fits so I’ve decided I’m probably mostly straight, occasionally bi curious and trauma has affected my ability to feel clearer about it. It makes sense that we’d go off men after being repeatedly traumatised by them. I also know I’m a love addict and tend to fall for the same type of man repeatedly due to subconscious trauma re-enactment so I want to work on that before dating again. Have you had any therapy so far to help you process what you went through?
If you still want to date women after getting help for your trauma then go for it but try not to worry too much about defining your sexuality especially after what you’ve been through. Sexuality seems to be more fluid than people initially thought anyway.
-
-
I know how you feel about sex. I mostly think it would feel invasive and intrusive now, like a violation. It’s very confusing. I do think it’s maybe our mind protecting us whilst we heal. It’s not a good idea to start dating until we’ve processed what we’ve gone through. I plan to do the freedom programme as everyone says it’s good so definitely look into that too. It has helped to take my time. There’s no rush to figure yourself out and heal.
-
-
Also I just wanted to clarify, I’m not saying trauma causes homosexuality. I think for trauma survivors our sexuality can be buried under trauma and conditioning from our abusers making it really confusing. For example, there’s a chance we are not straight but have been conditioned by men in our past to think we are. I think this falls under ‘compulsory heterosexuality.’ There’s also a chance we are straight but have only been with abusers.
I think it’s best to find a therapist who understands both trauma and sexuality to talk it through. I was raised in a traditional family to be feminine and to look up to men and I’m starting to unpack the dysfunction I’ve been around. It set me up to idolise the wrong sort of men and I’ve only ever known abusive relationships with men. I’m still confused about my sexuality but think once I’ve had more help for PTSD it will be clearer.
-
Interesting question; some people believe we’re all bisexual. For me I’ve only ever been attracted to men, but I can admire a beautiful woman or her attractive qualities – never had the urge to want to sleep with a woman though; but can see how a woman can perhaps make a better life partner / companion. Suppose it’s about having an open mind and trying it should the opportunity present. I’ve noticed that quite a few of my divorced friends have found the arms of a woman in their 50s. Also, through the work I used to do, I noticed that a large number of lesbian’s had also been sexually abused in childhood – I’m not saying this is case for all or even most of course, but there is definately a sample of the lesbian community that were also sexually abused; but then there will also be a sample in the hetrosexual community also hey.
-
I now find my self attracted to feminine qualities. To soft spoken, warm, nurturing, patient, kind, caring, motherly qualities. I find myself put off by really masculine men. Hairy, large, muscles, any kind of aggressive behaviour. Even just an impatient comment from a man. I saw a security man shouting at some teenagers and I felt sick. I can totally see why I might be attracted to everything female but I couldn’t see anything sexual with either male or female. I can totally see the benefits of living with another woman. Most of us are clean, tidy, considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, supportive. At least my female friends are. Don’t know how much is down to the rapes and sexual assaults but just a hug from a female makes me feel so much better. Sending you all a virtual 🤗 hug tonight x
-
hi i think this stems from women know what women want and need and we can relate to incidents in out lives involving men. i am not sexually attracted to women but like to look and admire some i think its because i have body issues. we are who we are if a relationship with a woman would make you happy then go for it. lifes too short be true to yourself your worth it for what you have been through
-
I have always and still am attracted to men. Now though I am more frightened of their loudness, aggressive traits and I’m very aware of their physical strength over mine. I view them now very cautiously as a rabbit would view its hunter. That might sound overly dramatic but that’s now how I feel about it. As to being intimate again with a man well I can’t see it myself as I think it would be too intrusive and bring back my experiences of being made to feel cheap and nasty by my ex. I guess from now on I’ll admire an attractive male from afar…very far.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
