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    • #119728
      Yellowdiamond
      Participant

      Hi,

      I am new to the forum and looking for some support. I have recently come out of a relationship and am really struggling with my feelings! It was (detail removed by moderator) and we lived together, lots of red flags in the beginning that I chose to ignore that signalled he was maybe a n********t I.e love bombing, lying to make himself look like he had his life together and it was only when we moved in together that it became clear he had some issues. He would get super angry if we had an argument which started with the odd slap or being mentally abusive but then turned into much worse including a cocaine habit that I didn’t know anything about which he was spending thousands of pounds of our money on, , would also always want to brush things under the carpet and turn the blame on me however when things were good they were good! I’m really struggling with my feelings as I still love and miss him and feel like I shouldn’t after the horrible things he has done to me! How do people get through this?

    • #119733
      KIP.
      Participant

      You will get through this by being very kind to yourself and taking baby steps. You are going to miss the good parts of which I’m sure there were many or you wouldn’t have stayed. Google the cycle of abuse. The Power And Control wheel. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Read about trauma bonding. I know it feels like you will never recover but I promise you will. It will take time but for me Knowledge Is Power. I read what I could and educated myself on abuse. It helped me realise just how common this is. Healing from Hidden Abuse is another good read. Perhaps some therapy might help too. Talk to your GP and look at The Freedom Programme x

    • #119734
      KIP.
      Participant

      No you’re not going mad. You’re processing abuse but that feeling for going mad is a classic sign you’ve been in an abusive relationship. Lied to, gaslighted, had your self esteem and confidence ripped apart. It’s going to take time to come to terms with what the hell happened. It’s several years on for me and I still find myself thinking what the hell. Abusers are delusional crazy making people x

      • #119738
        Yellowdiamond
        Participant

        Hi,

        Thanks for your response.

        I have spoken to the GP and am now on medication and am doing weekly counselling to try and understand my feelings. It’s very difficult to accept and he ended it too which makes it harder to deal with but suppose that is all about the control. I suppose it’s hard to understand how some people can behave in that way and think its acceptable. x

      • #119741
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        Yes it is crazy to think how these people behave and believe it’s a rite of passage to do so. I’d love to use some choice words to describe them but swearing isn’t allowed on the forum.

        Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft? It’s an eye opener to say the very least.

      • #119753
        Yellowdiamond
        Participant

        No I haven’t but I will definitely have a look at it. I have been doing more and more research and am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is who he is but still that small part of me thinks was it my fault, could I have done things differently, did I deserve it etc. Absolute madness how it takes hold of you like that and that is the most frustrating thing. x

      • #119755
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        You won’t regret reading it, trust me.

        Yes consume as much info as you can digest about domestic abuse. I won’t be the only one who has done this but there is very little I haven’t watched, listened to or read. Educating ourselves is a key part of recovery. It does help with the pain too.

        There are lots of resources talked about in multiple posts on this forum so worth checking. Obviously The Freedom Programme is one of them and can be completed online. Any recommendations you want, just post and ask.

        Yes my lovely, this is who he is. It’s who my ex is too. No they aren’t going to change. No it wasn’t something you did or said which made him abusive. He was an abuser before you knew he existed or before he knew you did.

        x

      • #119761
        Yellowdiamond
        Participant

        Yes I do think there is an element of that as I have been told stories by multiple people close to him throughout so this can’t be a first time thing. Thanks for your suggestion I have downloaded the book and plan to start it tonight. x

      • #119764
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        Then you should believe them. Abusers are serial offenders.

        Well done for taking and using your initiative to get the book.

        You’re doing great, just keep going x

    • #119754
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers simply move the goal posts. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent the abuse and it’s not your fault. He chose his behaviour because he got what he wanted from it which was to dominate you. For him to be top dog, you have to be bottom. Don’t waste time trying to work him out. Do you know the fable about the swan and the scorpion. It always makes me see the abuser more clearly.
      The scorpion wants to cross the river and he asks several birds to help him and they all say no. Then he comes across a beautiful swan and she says I will take you if you promise not to sting me. Of course I won’t sting you he says, I promise. So he climbs on the back of the beautiful swan. She takes him across the river and as soon as her feel touch the ground he stings her. Broken and in agony at his sting she cries but you promised you wouldn’t sting me, why did you sting me when I helped you?
      Walking away he turns and replies…… I’m a scorpion, it’s what I do.

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