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    • #118425
      Baba2020
      Participant

      Husband got drunk last night and was verbally abusive to (detail removed by moderator) in front of our kids. I sai mentioned this morning that this was unacceptable. He’s now saying I’m a moaning, judgmental u can imagine the rest. All men get drunk why am I ruining his Xmas. He can’t actually remember it happening and us saying it’s Christmas he can do what he likes and I’m a (detail removed by moderator).

    • #118426
      KIP.
      Participant

      No you’re not wrong and he’s giving you the typical abuser response. To blame you and put the spotlight on you. To call you vile names is domestic abuse. If he can’t remember then how does he know how bad it was? I bet he absolutely can remember but like a typical abuser simply won’t accept that his behaviour is unacceptable. It’s also child abuse for his children to witness abuse. There’s absolutely no point in arguing with him because he will simply gaslight you, lie to you, deny and it leaves your head spinning. You witnessed it and yes men do get drunk but they certainly do not abuse the (detail removed by moderator) and then abuse you. He’s also making your life miserable when you dare to question his actions. This is coercive control. Next time you witness him being abusive you will remember the hard time he gave you and his plan is that you won’t question him again because you will get abused. He knows exactly what he’s doing x it him that is ruining Xmas. Not to mention the (detail removed by moderator) who doesn’t deserve that kind of behaviour.

    • #118427
      KIP.
      Participant

      Remember your children learn from their parents. They learn what ‘normal’ behaviour is and they’re learning that abuse is okay because their father perpetrates it. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused themselves as adults.

    • #118428
      KIP.
      Participant

      A simple way to decide if his behaviour is ok is to ask yourself if you would behave in this manner?

    • #118429
      Baba2020
      Participant

      Thank u so much forthe reply. I feel like I’m going mad. I question my own sanity. This is getting worse. He gets drunk days he can’t remember. Last time he verbally abused for about (detail removed by moderator) hours. Calling fat ugly no one else would want me. The usual. And I still feel broken from that I’ve had to quit my job as I couldn’t stand the pressure and atmosphere because he thinks I’m having affairs with anyone and everyone. But then I feel like I’m being dramatic because he doesn’t hit me. But I am scared of him because he goes really really quiet and that frightens me.

    • #118433
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through. My ex wasn’t physical on very many occasions. It was the emotional abuse that terrified me the most. Everything from stonewalling to raging in my face. He made up the most disgusting name for me. You’ll never flourish with a man like that in your life. Truth is all that he says to you is how he feels about himself. They need us to be hurt so they can feel powerful. We are nothing more than an emotional punchbag.
      You are not being dramatic. Take some time to think through your options. You don’t have to live like this and not do your children. Xx

    • #118436
      KIP.
      Participant

      Sounds like my ex. I had to give up work because of my ex and it made me even more dependent on him. It’s what he wants. It’s part of his controlling behaviour. You’re scared of him. That’s a huge red flag. No one should be scared of their life partner. Contact your local women’s aid. You’re living in a very abusive relationship and these men don’t have to hit us. The threat of violence is often enough to destroy us and keep us under their control. They are liars too. Gaslighting and lying is normal for them. It makes us feel crazy like we are losing a sense of reality. That’s abuse. He remembers exactly what he does. He chooses to abuse you x

    • #118438
      Baba2020
      Participant

      Thank u for taking time to reply. As the day has gone on its now my fault if I was a better wife he wouldn’t need to drink. I make his life stressful so he has to get drunk because I make him so miserable. He won’t leave the house. I feel so ashamed and embarressed

    • #118440
      Hetty
      Participant

      It’s not your fault. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Nothing to feel embarrassed about. These are things he should be feeling but instead he dumps them at your door. We are nothing more than emotional punchbags. The truth is we are good women. Look how many women post on here. We are from all walks of life. Domestic abuse is in every part of our society. My son’s dad is an alcoholic. When we were together he drank too much but he still functioned. Of course he blamed me. But guess what?! I left and years and years on he is still drinking and barely functioning. I think that says it was nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. If you can, let his words wash over you. These men are liars. Educate yourself. I’ve read loads on websites and there are great videos on YouTube. Reach out for support so you can consider your options. My ex was going nowhere so I had to leave Xx

    • #118442
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Your post and the comments reminded me that my partner used to be verbally abusive towards (detail removed by moderator) sometimes. Admittedly some were very rude to us/him but I used to be so embarassed and anxious with him storming out the car, slamming doors, taking pictures of the car and driver threatening to report them. I knew I would then be walking on eggshells when we went in as he would be in a bad mood. Horrible just horrible. Sorry to hear youre going through it as well. Hoping 2021 will be the year to get out xx

    • #118443
      KIP.
      Participant

      Humiliating us in public is another tactic they use to destroy our self esteem and our confidence. Eventually I stopped going out which is exactly what my ex wanted. Me stuck at home where he could keep an eye on me and I could run after him. They destroy our mental health.

    • #118444
      beachhut
      Participant

      I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. We cannot make another person do anything, if you could it would only be nice things, not name calling, threats of violence or reducing another to be frightened in the one place they should feel safe their home. The number of times I was told ‘you made me do it” was unbelievable, but he never left when I asked him to go I wish I could have made him do that.

      We all make choices in life he chooses to drink and forget that is up to him. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed I have gone passed that I let everyone know why I am in the position I am in, because I was living with an abusive, controlling aggressive little excuse for a man who I am now free of. You will get there in your own time.
      Take care of you

    • #118458
      Catjam
      Participant

      My son in law rarely drinks but when he does he can be vile. The last time it happened he was awful to my grandson who heard him calling his mum names. He apologised as soon as he was sober and hasn’t touched a drop of booze since because he was so ashamed of how he had treated them.
      What I am trying to say is, that your husband chooses to use alcohol as an excuse for his abuse but in reality it’s just another way to attack you.
      You have done nothing wrong and should not blame yourself.
      Focus on building your confidence and get help from refuge or women’s aid.
      Take care

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