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    • #7784
      Finkle
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I’m new here. First post. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship but I feel like I’m overreacting. I do have an anxiety disorder and he says I make mountains out of mole hills all of the time. Things have been really bad the past fee months, right after we got married everything got worse. There had always been signs of abuse, I guess. I had to stop wearing make up, and certain tops that he deemed showed my cleavage too much, he’s pushed a lot of things in the relationship, even when I wasn’t ready and he’s had bad jealousy too. But I never really thought it was too bad. The worst was if we argued and I planned on leaving, even just for a little bit, he would threaten to kill himself or self harm. Yesterday was an eye opener though. Yesterday he threatened to hit me. That is a line he has never crossed. So now, I don’t know what to do. Am I just overreacting and it’s not that bad? Or is this abuse?

    • #7787
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      I was just out but wanted to reply quickly and will post agsin later. It is abuse Hun. U not in wrong and u
      Not making big issue , he would say that to cover his behaviour and confuse u , this is how they break our self esteeem, well done for posting , please call women’s aid and explain your scenario and ask for what help is there for u, report to your gp , agsin is testing his boundaries how much he can get away with , put stop to it now . Get out , don’t let the fact u just got married put u off , abuse should never be tolerated . This message has to be made clear , if any point he does hurt u report to police , make them responsible for there actions , don’t need to tel him your plans get advice, support, guidance make a plan and follow plan , be one step ahead , well done for posting

    • #7790
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi and welcome. Yes it’s abuse. I’m sure your gut is telling you this but your mind is confused. That’s what abuse does. Would you really be looking for assistance from a forum like this if it wasn’t abuse. There’s a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Try reading that and phone the helpline for your nearest women’s aid, abuse creeps up on us so it becomes our normal. Abuse is all about control and your husband ticks the boxes. Try thinking if this was happening to a friend or sister. What would you be thinking. When someone shows you his true colours, believe him. One more thing. Abusers are most dangerous when they think they’re losing control or you’re going to end the relationship. Get out safely first. Please ring the helpline and keep reading other posts on here. These abusers are all the same so you will recognise many of his tactics. Take care x keep posting

    • #7794
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi xx

      No your no over reacting this is abuse, I was always being told I was too sensitive, over reacting, no I didn’t mean like that you take everything the wrong way. Doubting your self is one of there biggest weapons.

      I can confirm all that Confushed123 and KIP has said.

      Stay strong, and keep safe, also posting her is a great help.

      FS x

    • #7810
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Finkle,

      Welcome to the forum, well done for being brave enough to post. What the other women have said are all great points. You wouldn’t have this overhanging feeling that something wasn’t right if this wasn’t an abusive relationship. Your partner threatening suicide to keep you where he wants you is serious, but it is important that you don’t take any responsibility for his actions, he is responsible. You say that he has never crossed the line of physical abuse but that doesn’t mean that what he is doing now isn’t terrible.

      It might help you to call the National Domestic violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, sometimes to speak directly to someone can make a big difference to how you view things. Your partner spends all his time trying to convince you that you are in the wrong so naturally over time you start to believe it. However this is not reality and speaking to a trained professional might help the vail to fall. Coming on here is great too. The women on this forum understand completely what you are going through and are very supportive.

      I’m positive you will find this forum a supportive place. It’s good to have you with us.

      Best wishes

      Lisa

      Forum Moderator

    • #7812
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      Am bk now can see other ladies have given Brill advise too, again they have need to control us due to there own insecurities , they take out on us and control us by breaking us , we doubt ourselves but truth is Infront of us , they just twist it , they know they r wrong deep down , how would he feel if u said to him u can only dress a certain way , speak to certain people , his over emotional …. They would say F off to us and walk away , u r strong deep down and u can walk away from this , well done for posting on here , if u need advice or just someone to chat to talk to us we r here for u , don’t talk to him he will say u been stupid , he will even become me nice again temporary acting like perfect partner. All tricks …

    • #7816
      Finkle
      Participant

      Thank you all for your responses. I have managed to get out for a few days and I’m staying at my sisters. I’m trying hard to stay strong, but I feel more guilty than anything. I hate people being hurt and he’s being so distant and upset. I feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know how to do this. How did I manage to get married before I realised anything

    • #7817
      White Rose
      Participant

      Hi Finkle. You probably feel a bit rubbish at the moment as you’ve had your fears confirmed but don’t let it get to you. It’s not your fault.
      It tends to creep up on us the realisation that their behaviour isn’t normal and we all try and talk ourselves out of believing it is abuse too!
      Whatever you do keep strong believe in yourself and keep yourself safe. Helpline are really great so ring and have a chat (tissues at the ready) and keep positive xxxx

    • #7822
      Confused123
      Participant

      Please don’t feel guilty Hun u have done nothing wrong , Infact this is exactly how he wants u to feel ,see if u upto disclosing this to your sister, hopefully she will make u stronger x*x

    • #7853
      Finkle
      Participant

      I feel really unsure today… there are so many things that I feel might be abusive, but I doubt myself so much. I find a lot of support here though and it’s helping me to stay strong

    • #7854
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Finkle

      When I realised I was being abused I look back at our time together to figure out when it started. To my horror there wasn’t a time when he didn’t abuse me in one form or another.

      Its gutting retching to see what a lie you have been living to yourself. Don’t ever doubt yourself.

      FS xx

    • #7856
      Daisy
      Participant

      Welcome from me too finkle,
      And I’m glad to took yourself away to your sister’s
      Reading your post here shows how he is trying to change you from being yourself and control What he feels you should or shouldn’t do or wear.
      pushing you to do things you are not ready or comfortable to do is also abuse.
      The threatening to harm himself is emotional blackmail and cruel,
      And the last incident, the threats of physical violence shows that his abuse is escalating,
      I’m glad you looked and found us, although sorry you had cause too,
      Sadly, I would say that your instincts are spot on, and you are not over – reacting at all,
      Keep reading and posting finkle and a big welcome again
      X x x

    • #7905
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      Read up on abuse , u will be shocked how they train us to think we r in wrong , read the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a real
      Eye opener u can order from library or on line, have faith in yourself it prob is Abuse and deep down u know that but your brain is overloaded with what he says

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