Am I paranoid or being gaslit?

[Uncertain]

My partner and I have been together for several years. Sadly we met when we were both in unhappy marriages. We fell for each other and found solace in the relationship.
After our marriages broke down we moved in together, but he wanted to keep an open relationship as he had been starved of variety in his marriage. I was reluctant but didn’t want to lose him so agreed.
Nothing really happened but he did meet with others occasionally. I wasn’t happy but went along with it. Now things have settled (detail removed by moderator). I asked him to stop but he became extremely defensive and aggressive and so I told him I would back off.
However since asking him to stop, there has been a family emergency. (detail removed by moderator) I can’t help but feel that he is using this a convenient cover to continue taking to other women.
His behaviour suggests that he doesn’t want me to see the messages and he is very defensive of his phone. Changing his position so that I can’t see who he is talking to etc. If I confront him, then I’ll risk his volatile behaviour, and he’ll just say that he’s talking to the sick person. I just don’t know what to do. On the one hand he’s being caring towards the person that needs him, but on the other, he’s using this as a cover to continue to chatting, flirting, exchanging photos and god knows what else. I feel trapped because I can’t challenge this behaviour. But I feel guilty for thinking the worst when this could be genuine concern for the sick person, at least that’s what he tells me. Am I being paranoid and judging him too harshly, or have I been completely hoodwinked into thinking he is innocent?

[Lisa]

Hi Uncertain,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

Your boundaries are really important and you have described someone who has no respect for these, is aggressive when you try and stand up for yourself. Abusive men have no respect for women and you don’t deserve to be treated in this way. Listen to your feelings, they are trying to communicate something to you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

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