26th April 2021 at 10:16 am #125247
I Was almost out of this, but was afraid of being on my own with no support, so because of that and feeling sorry for him too, I let him come back. He isn’t really a support to me, never was! Now it’s worse. I’ve felt too ashamed to write this, or tell my story here, so this is some of it, but first I want to say…refuge is not an option for me. Now as I struggle to get him out finally, I’m met with the reality of what he really is again! because, He’s now blackmailing me, demanding a large sum of money from me, if I try and get him removed by the police again? if he is made to leave? He knows I have just received a substantial cheque from (detail removed by Moderator) after returning my car in good condition. I have problems with my mobility, I have my new car but I will need to buy a scooter too, as walking is becoming more difficult. This money was supposed to go towards getting myself sorted. I’m so regretful! I took this man in years ago because of feeling sorry for him, because of the life he had, I now have a worse one! I’ve lost everything and everyone I held dear to me and I’m £(detail removed by Moderator) in debt! because of his desire to have! He stated (detail removed by Moderator) months after marrying me, Everything is half mine now! When I told him to get out, he refused and he then said if I told the police (as I was calling them) (but I put the phone down) because he threatened to have my daughter’s killed, if he was put back in prison (long story!) (I didn’t know about until too late!) because of my calling the police. Fearing the threat obviously, I put down the phone, thats almost, (detail removed by Moderator) ago now, sadly. I really didn’t know anything about his past until we were married, can you believe? but it’s true! I met a stranger, thought I knew him? and married him within (detail removed by Moderator) months, yes I know! Stupid! Beyond stupid!! But I see now, I was vulnerable at the time, for reasons I won’t go into now, except to say, I had reached rock bottom, I thought then??? I had just lost my mum, my daughter was a heroine addict, I was caring for her child, I lost her because of marrying him! My (detail removed by Moderator) year old grandson vanished from my life with his dad, once he got legal custody, away from my daughter (detail removed by Moderator). I had cared for him since his birth, his dad moved house while I was on holiday and I didn’t have contact with my grandson again. After going to pick him up the day I got back, we found no-one answering the door, the curtains down, rooms seen bare through the windows, and this on (detail removed by Moderator)! The (detail removed by Moderator) planned for the two of them to enjoy, ruined! all this planned, by this horrible bloke, (knowing he had a week (detail removed by Moderator) to do this) and because he moved (detail removed by Moderator) miles away and changed his phone number, he broke my granddaughter’s and my heart’s. My court contact order meant nothing I was advised after much trying to sort. He had a hate for women, it stemmed from his mother leaving him as a child , I realised this but he got away with all this! This monster, he got with my daughter when she was (detail removed by Moderator) he was (detail removed by Moderator) years older I didn’t know? and she went off the rails with him. He caused my daughters life to become what it was, he secretly got her on heroine when they met, told her he wanted a baby. So I’ve struggled through all alone, and then I met someone, someone nice I thought! Someone wanting to marry me? Which meant… I was worthy of love? (Cptsd issues, unidentified then). I wasn’t an idiot back then, I thought? but, I was struggling, back then too! So I ruined my life! And my family’s! What sympathy do I deserve? Stupid old woman I was and am now, wanting support, telling this. Though, maybe? it will help someone feel better about their life? I may help someone else? If I’m not thought rediculous or pathetic?
26th April 2021 at 11:33 am #125251DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel … Hazydayz,
Well done for sharing your story, acknowledgement is a massive part of moving forward even though it may not seem like it now.
Please don’t keep going over the past, you did what you thought was right at the time. Looking back we have all made bad choices and thought why did we do that.
My ex was a gangster, I mean why would I have ever thought that was a good idea, but I had low self worth and believed what he told me! He was a very nasty man so I understand your fear in this mans behaviour.
However bullies work on intimidation so it is about getting your strength and power back, however impossible that may seem now, it is possible. Just one step at a time with hope and belief. I had no idea how I would ever leave my ex, I had no phone or access to support like this, but I did, so you can to.
Have you spoke to anyone at women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline?
Some of this is bigger than I would know how to deal with but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and your voice is being heard. Don’t ever feel alone or that no one cares.
I would be concerned about your mobility and him gaining even more control as that gets worse. Do you get any support with this?
Stay connected on the forum, sharing your story and your thoughts will have more than an impact than you relise
Sending you continued love and support
26th April 2021 at 11:44 am #125252
Darcy, thankyou for your reply. I dared to login again, see if anyone had replied and you have kindly. I only have time to say now that I will get back to you later, it’s difficult at the moment. But I really appreciate your sharing with me too 💞
27th April 2021 at 11:04 am #125285
Hello again Darcy. I have so much I want to say, in response to what you said yesterday, in your reply to my post. I hope I can get it all said and answer your questions in the time I have now. Firstly though, hope your doing well and thankyou again for your follow up reply, to my short reply sent back to you. I really appreciate everything you wrote and the encouraging support that you gave me. It isn’t easy living in my situation and I know you understand some of it, from what you said about your own experience. I’m sorry you had that life too, but happy your life has moved forward from that, is the feeling I get. I guess I should at this point say, I do, do my best, to live in the here and now, trying to be positive about my future, not keep looking back over my life, but I was trying to relate my situation to the women here. Opening up in a way that was difficult for me, but needed to be done. I hadn’t told my story in all the time I have been a member here, a year it’s been, but, I’m just getting to it now? Your right about it being cathartic getting it acknowledged, some of what I have been through, and am still going through. Though I still can’t help feeling, people might judge me as stupid? even if it’s just for telling all that I did? My almost life story! I think I’m known for my lengthy additions here, and I admit I can fill space on the page very quickly, once I get started writing. Though I surprised myself getting that lot said! My excuse, I Guess? it’s because, I needed to! I live with someone who would say… no one cares, though he doesn’t realise, I bring my troubles here, to find support amongst women who could understand, who can relate to suffering similarly with abuse, of any sort. I have no support outside of here, there’s no one to tell me it’s ok not to feel ashamed of who I am married to or what I feel I have become? But, thankyou for your openess and understanding, your kind words. Can I just say, I am curious and wonder could I ask you? How did you get out of your situation without help from this source, without a phone? Or
being unable to access online women’s aid? Did you have support somewhere?people you could turn to? I just so badly, need this sort of support for myself. But, I have no support. He thinks of himself as my support? My carer? My everything! I don’t need anyone else! Is his belief and attitude. If I challenge that, That’s when the abuse starts! Especially, If I try to make physical contact with my family. My physical difficulties with some stuff and getting around are very challenging, but, it’s made worse for me by him or if I try to do things, outside of the home without him, like seeing my family. (They have given up on me now, I think? Or anything ever being any different? They know what I’m going through, they chose to separate themselves from him and their lives from this situation that affects me) I don’t allow him,to challenge my independence as best I can, I do see them on occasion. On all levels, I am worried about my future, and yes! I am afraid the day will come, when, I cannot so easily escape him or his violent outbursts,as I have had to. I can just about on good days, get to my car, if I need to get away, in a hurry is or would be, the problem! I have my critical pain condition, a serious (detail removed by moderator) problem and another starting. He knows I’m on my own, with him! or without him, now maybe? He knows my fears. I don’t have the support I need, from family, no friends! It’s a dream for him! He causes me to feel unsupported, I struggle on physically, because I have to, but always I know, he is trying to take over my life on so many levels. Coercive control is his strong point! and he has me feeling mentally challenged, by his telling me what to do, how to do and what not to do, every day. He invents things to say, to sound like he knows so much? I see and hear him doing it and it is soul destroying knowing he thinks I’m stupid too and believe everything he says?? I could go mad in the end, I worry, that’s if I don’t end up a physically incapable wreck beforehand (unable to escape this life) as well as gone mad. I will make those small steps to change, I will. I have been trying, but, I have been locked in this for so long it seems without support outside of here, the mental and physical difficulties don’t make it easy, but I have been trying to find a way out. I can’t speak to women’s aid, he hears everything. So, I’m coming here when I can? (He’s asleep right now) I’m really I suppose? hoping for a miracle! I am so thankful you answered my post and that your all here, I’m not totally alone. Thankyou and see you here again soon I hope. Love & hugs to you. Hazydayz x 💞
26th April 2021 at 12:09 pm #125253DarcyParticipant
Stay connected when it is safe to do so and remember you are not alone.
The action of us women connecting like this is so powerful, even if it doesn’t feel like it. The energy of our support is with you xx
26th April 2021 at 12:45 pm #125254ISOPeaceParticipant
Hazydayz I can feel the pain coming through your words. You have experienced a huge amount of suffering and my heart goes out to you. From what you have described you have shown incredible strength and resilience in the face of heartbreaking circumstances.
You are not pathetic or stupid or ridiculous. You were unlucky to have crossed his path. Your abuser sought out somebody to abuse and manipulated you over time so that you didn’t know what was happening. Getting sucked into abuse isn’t a sign of weakness. It happens to all sorts of people. A lot of people on here will describe how strong they were before the abuse. From what I’ve read, victims are usually chosen for their empathy and putting others first. In other words, abusers don’t seek out weak and easy targets, they turn positive human traits against you. None of this is your fault.
I read recently about how in the Korean war, soldiers were manipulated into giving away information and defecting to the other side using the same tactics that abusers use. Soldiers are trained to resist interrogation but they were completely powerless to coercive control techniques. I hope that gives you an idea of how powerful abuse is and that falling under its spell is not a sign of being a weak person.
I echo Darcy’s advice. Take it one step at a time. You don’t need to know exactly how you will leave and when. Just start taking steps in the right direction and you will find your way, even if you can’t see it now. Keep reaching out for support. I don’t have any advice specifically for your situation but there is a wealth of knowledge, support and wisdom on this forum and other organisations.
Sending you lots of love and strength xxxx
27th April 2021 at 11:48 am #125287
ISOPeace, Hello and thankyou so much for your reply to me. I wasn’t sure if I would get any? You and Darcy were so kind, angels sent you both to me, I’m sure. Everything I wrote came from the heart of me and I am touched that you were able to convey to me, seeing my pain thankyou💗. I have held it in for so long, thinking it was invisible to others, that it mattered not? It was mine! Who would care to see it? Would they? Would they care? So,I held it in,coming here so often before, trying to escape from the pain, if that makes any sense to you? I guess the realisation of being alone with it outside of here, having no one to tell, hurt for so long. Yes, I have gone through some challenging times in my past and my present is crippling me, but my future, well? Your right, I can only take small steps towards it, that’s a fact, in so many real ways for me. But, I do, intend to soldier on and get there to that happy place if it’s possible. I’m so grateful to you, for sharing about the soldiers and the reminding of the impact of Coercive control. Yes, I spend so much of my time trying to escape the fact that I live under this incoming that I forget how real and deadly this force is to life. Oh! I have to leave now sadly, but hope to get back to you later. Just time enough to say, hope your doing well? I do hope so. Love & strength to you too 💞 Hazydayz x
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