Am I right to get ducks in a row before leaving?

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This is my first time posting on here but have been reading posts for a couple of weeks and have found lots of similarities between my situation and others which has been a real comfort.

I recently started seeing a therapist, under the guise with my husband of my not being interested in having sex, but the minute I started talking, it all came out, as I knew it would. I’ve never spoken to anyone about what my marriage is actually like. My parents have seen some of it (he has made my mum cry twice) but they do not know the full extent. The therapist is the first person I have said it to and her reaction that it’s not ok to be treated/ spoken to like this made me feel so much better as I just don’t trust my own judgement any more.

There have been a few physical incidents that I know are definitely not ok:

He slammed the door right in my face whilst I was holding our (detail removed by moderator) old daughter.

He grabbed me round the throat whilst he was holding my daughter when she was a couple of months old. Afterwards he said I had provoked him.

Threw his phone at me with such force that it smashed the wine glass I was holding and left a hole in the door.

Slammed the kitchen door infront of me 3 times in a row, smashing the (detail removed by moderator) that was on there.

Grabbed my wrist and shook it really hard.

Threw a (detail removed by moderator) and then threw my dinner on the floor because of a look I had given him.

Then there are the emotional things that leave me feeling upset and questioning if it’s me that’s causing the problems. These, for me, are worse:

If he is in another room and wants to say something to me he expects me to go to him and if I don’t go quickly enough, he instantly annoys.

If I don’t laugh at one of his jokes, he says I’m sense of humourless and dull.

If he senses something is wrong (I find it hard to keep up a pretence all of the time) rather than asking what’s wrong he’ll start tormenting me – his favourite thing is to call me (detail removed by moderator).

He is highly sexed and if we don’t have sex regularly enough for him the atmosphere becomes unbearable. If I play along and give him what he wants and do things like sending ‘sexy texts’ he turns into a different person. However, if for example I don’t reply quickly enough to a ‘sexy text’ request from him or don’t do something in the right way, it very quickly descends into him calling me sexless or boring.

He has anxiety and when things go wrong he sinks into depression and this has happened quite frequently. Every time I have supported him. However, at the times when I have been at my lowest and needed support, he was pretty awful to me. After having my son, I was really struggling with breast feeding, had bleeding cracked nipples and my son just wanted to constantly feed. He told me to stop wallowing in self pity. Then, when I had a miscarriage after (detail removed by moderator) to have a second child, we went out to a restaurant a few days later and he started having a go at me in the middle of the restaurant for being miserable.

I do absolutely everything around the house, not only housework, cooking, washing etc but all the finances, cars, admin, DIY – all of it. He spends all of his free time either sat on the sofa or lying on the bed watching TV or scrolling through his phone. He dips in and out of parenting when he feels like it. He will often moan about having to take my son to any of his clubs and gets annoyed if they interrupt his TV watching.

When we argue he just shouts over me and has zero interest in trying to understand my point of view. It feels like he continually behaves badly, I finally react and when I do it all becomes about my reaction and it’s me in the wrong. He tells me I am always looking for a row and trying to be the victim, that I always want to win the argument. This is why I totally lost perspective on what was happening and started to believe it was me that was the problem.

I spend my life worrying about what I can and can’t say to him and walking on egg shells and feel like I am just living in response to which unpredictable mood he is in at that moment. I am scared to ask him even simple things for example if he can drop my son at school or can he fill up the car with fuel whilst he’s out for fear of his reaction.

Everything centres around him, his wants, needs, problems and I am just a sideline in the relationship. He is nearly always disinterested in what I say. My self confidence is in pieces and I feel like I have lost myself.

We started a business together (detail removed by moderator) as it seemed the only way forwards for his job as he cannot seem to get on with whoever is his boss. He is currently the director of the firm but this is in the process of being changed so that I am also a director and 50/50 owner. This obviously makes things even more tricky.

I am annoyed that I have let myself get into this situation and I think that is why I have not confided in anyone before now – that and the fact that I didn’t want to turn people against him and also I thought maybe I was exaggerating the situation in my head. It has definitely gotten gradually worse – the more physical side, although still sporadic, has only really emerged since my second child was born and the teasing and belittling has become slowly worse.

I am so unhappy and know I need to leave for my sake and my children but I am scared of leaving, the consequences that will follow, what life will be like and how it will affect our kids. I feel like I need to wait until I have some money behind me and I officially own half of the business otherwise I am in no doubt he will just take it away from me and there won’t be anything I can do about it – I have worked so hard to help build it. I am also trying to get all of my ducks in a row and I know I need to speak to a solicitor for advice with regards to the children, the house etc but would be grateful for any more advice as to what I should be doing to make sure I am ready. It all just feels like such a mess and I constantly feel sick and I want to leave but feel like I need to be fully prepared first?

[KIP.]

Your story is shocking and I don’t know how you’re still functioning. Can you get in touch with your local women aid. You’re definitely going to need support. Being highly sexed is not an excuse to coerce someone into sex who doesn’t want to. That’s rape. I’m sure in the early days his behaviour was totally different. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Getting your ducks in a row is a good idea but you have to weigh that against the mental damage to you and your children. When we are abused our brains switch to the fight or flight mode meaning we cannot rationalise the situation. What is has done/is doing is illegal and he would go to jail for s long time if you could prove it. He’s also very dangerous and leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for victims. Get good legal advice first but don’t tell him.

[Twisted Sister]

First things first..you have aleady come a er long way! Mostly by yourself it seems from you post. Realising and naming all that hes been doing and the effect its been having on you.

Important to know for yourself that you actually didn’t ‘allow’ this. He has forced this slowley slowly, like the slowly boiled frog analogy, where the water started out cold, and it got inperceptably hotter very very slowly. Also, after having your secnd baby, you were probably more in demand, possbly more tired and vulnerable post-partum. These factors are not you ‘allowing’

Have you spoken with the helpline?

Also, were you aware you could have the police remove him and get a restraining order against him coming back?

Then you wouldnt need to leave.

Are you co sec also? The company needs prtecting, both its business and assets.

If you are drector/co sec you need to follow the ltd co regulations to prevent him acting further. Can you consult with specialist company legal?

Even your accountant?

Well done for everything yo have managed so far, to keep posting, we are all here for you.

You have done very well in identifying everything so well.

Seek further advice nd support whilst you come to your decisions.

Warmest wishes

TS

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Thank you both so much for your replies. I feel like I have a bit of control back today after this and have made an appointment with a solicitor for tomorrow. I want to try and end things without too much animosity but am not sure how possible or realistic that is. I will definitely keep posting.

[KIP.]

Well done. Whatever you do, do not tell him if your plans. You can ring the helpline number on here for support and advice x

[Confused-and-alone]

Your story sounds so familiar to me – I am only a couple of months out. I can understand your need to get things in order – my husband and I owned a business 50/50 when I left and I’ve still not had a penny from it – the money is in accounts he controls. I would also say if you’re wanting to leave don’t put your name on his business – I’ve so so much more stuff to sort out because I was on the business – just means more contact with him – I’m lucky that he’s trying to manipulate and love bomb me at the moment so I’m trying to get as much business done as I can now cuz I know hell turn nasty at some point. I’ve gone from co-owning a successful business not really having to worry much about what I spend, holidaying on really exotic places to living in my mums spare room with my two kids unemployed and on benefits – but I’m out and I’m excited to start my new life – just go – your ducks will never be in a row there will always be something that needs sorting that holds you back – just walk away and let him have it – you and your children’s safety is worth so much more x

[colourblue]

Thank you confused-and-alone. I haven’t been on for a while as things calmed down a bit but have just had a blazing row over him shouting at my son for crying and he’s slammed the door in my face three times whilst I was holding our (detail removed by moderator). I am starting to see that you are right. Maybe it’s best to just go.

[Staystrong]

Yes before something terribly terribly bad happens. Please go.

[Confused-and-alone]

Just leave – do it now before he has chance to apologise and worm his way back in. Get some bin bags load up your car with clothes for you and the kids and just go – it’s all replaceable. And once your away and he’s apologising over the phone instead of face to face it’s easier to be strong. If you wait till you feel ready you’ll never do it – you’ll have wobbles – I posted a couple of days ago about my doubts over leaving and how part of me wants to go back but in your heart you know it’s better for you and your children if you’re away from him. Stay strong.

[Staystrong]

I read your story and realise it’s similar to mine. I have left worth my children but took me years of leaving and returning until finally I had to go out of fear. Yes ideally you’d have your ducks in a row but as others have said you have to weigh up the benefits of leaving and not having your ducks in a row. Your children and you are suffering being in that relationship. You will be 100% better off out of there.

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