Am I safe now?

[Tiredone]

I haven’t heard from my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years now but it may be due to not having an online presence (as suggested by a DV charity as I was/am?? deemed high risk). This has meant that I have passed up a lot of careers opportunities for fear that he will find me if if where I work is online.

Lots of friends and family think I’m over reacting but they don’t know him or how he thinks or how he uses exes to torment his current plaything. They say he’s not thinking about me but I don’t know if that’s true. Throughout our relationship he would talk at length about his exes and how they still contact him. It would drive me insane. Now it panics me because I’m scared if I start posting where I work, he’ll find me. The police can’t /won’t do anything because this guy is power, wealthy and has a team of lawyers on retainer so there’s nothing I can do to protect myself other than live under the radar.

As I mentioned, I have foregone many opportunities to progress my career because I would have to be on their website or on social media. I have been invited to join (detail removed by Moderator) of a great company. I have been wanting to join (detail removed by Moderator) for years and it’s finally happening. I was gassed for about 10 minutes and then remembered that I would have to go on their website. I haven’t approached them about this yet because I don’t know what to do.

Am I being over cautious? Am I worrying too much? Should I still be terrified? If I do have to go on their website, I don’t know if I can accept the position.

I’m getting married (detail removed by Moderator) so thought I could use my h2b’s surname but they include a profile about the (detail removed by Moderator) members on their website so he would know it’s me anyway but I suppose he wouldn’t be looking for me under that surname. Also I don’t know if I want to take my h2b’s surname anyway because I love my surname and I feel like I’m changing my surname because of fear. My h2b doesn’t mind which surname I take. I think that the fear comes from my ex dictating everything. I want to be my own person and not owned by a man, if that makes sense. I don’t want that feeling again, especially because I feel like he still owns me.

Also really angry that he’s still ruining my life and controlling me after all this time.

[Lisa]

Hi Tiredone

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through, you are not over reacting at all, you are thinking about your safety which is so important.

It would be a real shame for you not to progress in your career. I know it’s difficult to talk about but maybe if you did speak to this new company and tell them how much you really want to join but you are concerned about being on the website, you don’t have to go into too much detail but you could say that it would not be safe for you to do this. Hopefully they would be understanding and it may not even be a problem.

I really hope things work out for you.

Take care

Lisa

[Tiredone]

Update on the situation. I am able to join (detail removed by moderator) next year when I’ve married and legally changed my name. They were very understanding and accommodating. Huge weight off of my shoulders!

[KIP.]

You could change your name now by deed poll. If it’s going to change next year anyway why not do it now?

[Tiredone]

My fiancé isn’t happy that I want to change my first name too. He is upset that I didn’t continue with my trauma therapy homework (Trigger warning: which was to read about my abusive relationship, rape, violence etc. every week) and thinks I’ve regressed.

He thinks I’m being paranoid about my ex as he hasn’t been in contact for (detail removed by Moderator) years but he doesn’t know my ex. My ex is cruel and patient and I know he is still talking about me to his current victim. I thought changing my name would mean I could live again. My fiancé is upset that my ex is still ruling our lives. I am angry that he is upset at me for being scared.

He said that if I change my first name he will want to postpone the wedding until I have properly dealt with my trauma. We don’t argue so this is weird.

[KIP.]

That doesn’t seem very helpful from your fiancé. Perhaps joint counselling with a domestic abuse trained counsellor will help you both understand. Unless you have a really In usual first name or really want to change it, I don’t think that’s as important so maybe a compromise there? How do you know he’s still talking about you? Any contact, even via a third party passing on gossip will trigger you and should be avoided at all costs. Remember he may not have changed but you have and you know how to deal with him now should he dare to interfere in your life x

[Author]

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