Am I safe now?

[Tiredone]

I haven’t had any contact my abusive ex for almost (detail removed by moderator) years now. During that time I have stayed off social media, don’t let anyone film me or take my picture, moved twice, I am not on my company’s website or in any company print, changed my email etc. I was told to do this by a DV charity as I was a high risk case so have been hiding ever since.

My current bf, who is wonderful and kind, thinks that I am being paranoid because my ex hasn’t contacted me for (detail removed by moderator) years and now I am starting to feel silly for being so scared. Part of me thinks that I probably am safe to stop living in the shadows but a bigger part of me is petrified that if I do stop hiding, he will do something horrible.

I understand that my boyfriend is trying to reassure me that I am safe but he doesn’t know my ex. When I was with him, he would ALWAYS talk about his ex girlfriends to make me jealous and I know he would be doing it to whoever he’s with now so I know he’s still thinking about me. Also, he has the ability to be fly anywhere in the world on a whim and that terrifies me so much. I KNOW that if I stop hiding he can find me. I got really annoyed with my bf because it felt like he was gaslighting me like my ex used to do but I know sometimes I blur the lines between what my ex did and what my bf does. I don’t think he would be that cruel so maybe there is some true in it?

What makes me more scared is that the police can’t/ arrest him, a restraining order doesn’t work if my ex lives in a different country so he can still contact me and he has the money to get the best defense lawyers even if he is arrested. He will never spend a day in prison for what he did to me. No one can protect me from him.

Am I being paranoid now? Will I ever truly be safe? When do you stop worrying and stop hiding? Is my PTSD making me more scared than I need to be? Is this a case of the longer you hide the more scared and paranoid you become?

[bettersafenfree]

Hi there, I totally understand, I was in a relationship with my abuser from (year removed by moderator) until (year removed by moderator) when circumstances made it that he fled the Country, that was my and my three childrens saviour. I didnt even realise what I was living with was actually domestic violence… I was able for a short while to find myself and be able to realise I was acutally a person who could do everything I had been able to do before I met the abuser and started making a life for myself and children, albeit a year off from his abuse and with a new lovely man who is now my husband even from afar he has continued to abuse myself and my new husband, my daughter remains safe with me, my elder son is mentally damaged and is with his father and after my non molestation order for an older son stopped due to reaching 18 he lured him away too. Police are involved now too. I know the feeling of feeling fine then it just takes a second of something to bring you back to the old feelings. Counselling has changed my life, a sea of tears The Freedon Group for DV is amazing and support is there. Having this help will make you understand better what to look out for in future relationships. All I ever want to do is not be found, move house etc… you are not paranoid, you have experienced a massive trauma in your life and you are right to cautiously carry on your life, boosting your self with help will help carry the burden. I have started an online Government Petition for long term domestic violence, recently as there are many victims who suffered long term and abuse which falls outside of the time threshold to convict, establishing a dedicated unit to investigate theses crimes as clearly women find it hard to leave for many reasons and thus time slips away and so does the perpetrators being able to be convicted of their crimes. PTSD is something most abused people suffer from in different degrees … it helps to talk and share the load but i know how hard it is to talk and make the first step.Although be brave and try to. I found it helpful to write everything down in full detail and then keping it safe in case it was needed in the future … does seem to take a bit of weight off your mind …Be kind to yourself X

[Tiredone]

(detail removed by moderator) years is a long time to be tortured. I am so sorry you still have to deal with your ex. I couldn’t imagine having to continue any kind of contact with my ex. I am receiving trauma therapy at the moment but only have a couple of sessions left and I DEFINITELY don’t feel like my symptoms are getting any better. I hate having to talk about what happened. I know I have to in order to process the awful memories but it is so hard to actually admit that these things happened. I was like you, it took me about 6 months to realise that I was in a really abusive relationship. I had made some many excuses for him that I started to believe them myself. I still doubt myself now even though I know he did all those awful things to me.

I feel like I have been let down a lot by the police and the various charities I have sought help from. No one mentioned anything about statues of limitation and they are useless if your abuser no longer lives in the UK. I think it’s great that you are petitioning for change. I often feel compelled to start campaigning but I am terrified that it will make him angry. The police can’t help me so I feel like the safest thing to do it is continuing to do what I’m doing.

[fizzylem]

Hey flower, I would always say ‘trust your gut’ – everytime, it rarely if ever lets you down.

I would say you are in a vulnerble place – thankfully things are good now so understandably you are both questioning can we now relax. However, this may be exactly what your ex is counting on, that sooner or later this will happen then he can make his move. At the end of the day, none of us know for sure do we. Thinking that maybe you are the best person to have some idea – but even this is an idea only.

I really think this is your call – not your new partners. I would suggest having a think about what it is you need from him here and conveying this.

Does it sound something like this..I get that it feels we could maybe relax things a bit now, that you would like this for me and for us, but have you considered that maybe we only have what we have because we take these precautions?

At the moment I need to carry on with these saftey measures in place. I need you to acknowledge that you do not really know what life is like with this man in it, nor what he will do next or what he is capabale of, that talking about what happened and living through it are very different experiences, the latter which can not ever be quantified or understood fully unless you have experienced it first hand.

I never want for you to find out what life is like when he is in it, or for me to be back there again, it was the darkest time in my life and terrifying – it impacts on everything. I need you to trust me and my judgement, respect how I need to do things. I really dont want to find out whether it is it right or not needed to be taking these measures just now. Is living this way really such a hardship? To ensure we doing our best to protect what we have?

Yes it is great he feels gone – i need it to stay this way. Can you do this for me? For us? Will you support my wishes? As this is really what I need from you for now, can we talk about it again in a few years time?

You get the picture, in your own words obs, say what it is you need from him x

[Tiredone]

Thank you both for understanding where I am coming from. Fizzylem, you are so eloquent. I really struggle to convey how I am feel/what I am thinking when it comes to my ex. I am so used to shutting down, to avoid his rage, that now I can speak freely I really struggle to find the right words. It feels like there aren’t any words in the English language to truly convey how horrific it was.

I didn’t think about him biding his time. He is the master manipulator so I wouldn’t put it past him. He always ruined my happiness and I don’t want him to ruin with I have with my current bf.

My gut is saying I am not safe and that I should continue to remain “hidden”. Luckily my boyfriend isn’t active on social media so that won’t be a problem. I know he genuinely wants me to be happy. The main issue is that he wants me to go home with him to meet his friends and family but that is where my ex currently lives and I promised myself I would never visit that country again. It is a bone of contention for us. I have managed to avoid going there for t wo years but I know my bf will want to take me there for Christmas. The thought of having to be in the same country as my ex is utterly terrifying and I really don’t want to go. I think my BF doesn’t realise how serious I am because there were lots of things that I said I would never do again and then did them. Unfortunately for him, this is one thing that I will never do. I have had too many traumatic experiences in that country and I definitely don’t want to be on my ex’s home turf. That feels like I’m asking for trouble.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Tiredone, I hope your bf listens to you, I was reading recently about boundaries. You have boundaries because of what your ex put you through. Unless you’ve lived with an abuser, no one can totally get the indescribable fear and inability to think for yourself coherently. If your bf continues to push you, he’s basically not listening to you, he’s not taking on board how traumatised you’ve been. He’s putting his wishes above yours. That’s not healthy and it’s totally unfair.
Put it this way, if you’d been swimming and suffered a shark attack would he keep on at you to go back in the water where you’d been attacked(you know to get over your fear). There’s no way on this God’s green earth you’d get me going back in the water, so why would he expect you to put yourself in such a dangerous situation again. Don’t let anyone push you into something you’re not comfortable with, it’s a total deal breaker.
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Can you pm me the link for the petition please. My MP is brilliant as is my MSP with regards to DA.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Hey TO, I get that he wants you to meet his family of course, but if he wants to be with you then he will understand this is too much of a big ask. Feel a bit annoyed that he’s pressuring you tbh. Its ok for him to express his desires only really, would love you to come and that is it.

Any change in this situation would need to come from you, meaning you want to go and feel ok enough to do so – which we know is likely never going to happen is it, not this decade, maybe not even in this lifetime.

Can you meet his family on skype or in the UK or all of you holiday together in a different country?

It takes it to another level of fear doesn’t it going to his country. I’m with you, wild horses couldn’t drag me. It’s ok for you to feel this way, it’s one of those times when it just is what it is.

He needs to understand this is how it is for you and if he wants to be with you it is unlikely this will change. It doesnt need to be the end just because you wont go to his country for Christmas. Tell him you go, enjoy yourself, I’ll be here when you get back and you can tell me all about it. If he’s right for you then you’ll both live with it – even make the situation work well for the both of you in some ways – whilst respecting it needs to be this way. We make it work hey.

It’s a really sorry but I can’t, hope you understand isnt it for you. If you start to feel too compromised in any relationship it is a slippery slope to the end, this tips you off the scale, respect for one another is key hey. You say what it is you need from him here with respect, he obliges with respect x

[Tiredone]

I have just had another therapy session and my psychiatrist thinks that I am being overcautious about my safety because of my PTSD and that I am probably am safe because I haven’t heard from him for so long. She said that unfortunately my instincts aren’t to be trusted at the moment because they are in overdrive in order to keep my safe. I understand what she is saying but I can’t help but feel that she is totally wrong and as soon as I stop hiding all hell will break loose. I am more inclined to trust my gut now because I didn’t when I was with him and so I stayed much longer than I would have had I trusted my instincts. I wouldn’t have even gone on a 3rd date with him, let alone get engaged and plan to leave the country with him if I did.

I met my bf’s parents recently as they came to visit us for a couple of days. It was very triggering, even though they are lovely people, because it reminded me of my ex’s awful parents and all the horrific things they did to me. There was lots of talk about going to visit them in (detail removed by Moderator). I played along, knowing full well that I wasn’t going there any time soon. My bf had stopped talking about going home for a while but their visit and invitations to stay with them had sparked up the conversation again. He gently asked if it was an option now that I am getting help but the answer is still no and he’s dropped it for now. I DEFINITELY WON’T be going to anywhere near (detail removed by Moderator) for Christmas or any other holiday. I have told him he is more than welcome to go home. In fact, I have encouraged him to go and see him friends, but I won’t be going with him.

My current bf is a good guy but he won’t be able to understand the fear I have. I don’t think any of my friends or family do because they don’t know him like I do and they don’t know what he is capable of. I don’t feel safe to live my life the way my bf, friends or family want. I know they have my best intentions at heart but they don’t understand him or what I went through.

Are you ladies still scared? Do you still hide from your abusers? If you aren’t, how long did it take you to feel safe again?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I don’t think there is any timescale that you can go by. Everyone’s situation differs so much, we react so differently
Go by your gut, having your best interested at heart is fine and dandy, but no one gets what you’re going through. My situation is different to yours as is yours to the next persons. We are all here for affirmation of what went on, camaraderie of a help group that only a help group can really give. There’s nothing wrong with going to celebrate wirth family separately, who knows what the future may bring. Yiu may be able to accompany t your be them, but for now taje each day as it comes. No-one has the right to tell or guilt you into doing something you don’t want to.
It’s there anything your bf is terrified of, so much that there’s no way on earth he’d do it, or be in the same room as it. That’s what our fear is. It takes so much courage to face our fears. Humans are designed with this built in to us in order for us to survive, noone telling you it’ll be okay, I’ll protect you, will ever make that fear go away, only we ourselves can do that.
Keep posting, keep learning, who knows you may spend Christmas with them, but it shouldn’t be a big issue if you dont.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

I am still scared of my ex even although I never see him now. Its strange but there was a thread on here yesterday about people resembling our abusers. When this happens (when I think its them walking/driving along) I get ready to confront him. How stupid a reaction is that? I think it in anger because I have had so much time to think about what he did to us. I also think its an ingrained response from long ago to get it all overwith. Not sure if you know what I mean?

On another note I don’t think it harms our new partners and kids to give them some knowledge around the dynamics of dv. I recently sent my eldest daughter links re; triangulation- flying monkeys and triggering. My abuser did all of this to her and it destroyed our relationship. She has read it over and text to say all of this seems more clear in her head. So now were going for counselling with the hope of rebuilding our relationship again. We might actually be able to undo the damage he did xx why don’t you try to show your bf how triggered you are explain to him how this works – there are some really good you tube vids on this subject xx luv diy mum

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