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Heeeey…. having a bad day. I don’t really know why. My husband hasn’t really done anything to hurt me recently, he was in a bad mood for few days, and I had to put in a lot of effort to cheer him up, but he got in a good mood (timeframe removed by Moderator), so everything should be fine, right?
I just feel sad. Even though nothing is wrong right now.
So, going to my self-sabotage question, I don’t know it belongs in an abuse forum or a language forum, but here goes!
So I live in my husband’s country. I don’t speak the language, so I’m taking a language class focusing that focuses on job vocabulary. Anyway, along with taking this class, I also bought a grammar book and some learning apps (without letting my husband know, just in case it’s safer if he doesn’t know, because at this point, I don’t actually know what makes him mad anymore, so I try to err on the side of caution).
Along with the textbooks I bought, I found a website that has explains what to expect (vocabulary and phrases) when a company calls you for a job interview. Now, this is super important to me, because a few months ago, I applied for a job, and some of the companies actually called me requesting for an interview! But I panicked to much that I hung up on the phone!
To escape my husband, I need a job…but… I don’t understand what’s happening in my brain. Because I freeze up when I try to study job related things. So I don’t study that, and instead I’ve been studying random vocabulary words, which will not help my situation at all! And I’m worried that I’m self-sabotaging.
Like, I read that people who have been/or are abused, that they get stuck in the abuse, because the brain starts to view the abuse as ‘normal’. And I’m worried that that’s what’s happening. That I just got so used to being with my husband, that my subconscious views it as ‘normal’.
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Does anyone else self-sabotage? I tried watching videos on youtube on self-sabotaging, but I kept think that it’s a bit different when you’re being abused, because abuse causes stress and unique problems that don’t normal exist outside of abusive relationships.
If you struggle is self-sabotaging, how do you balance it with surviving your abusive situation?
Because I feel like I hate myself. I hate myself for holding myself back. I believe I have the key to escaping my abuser, the key is language skills. If I could just get past this… this mental thing holding me back, I could set myself free.
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I just get so scared that my husband is going to hurt me, that I can’t focus on studying. I can’t really focus on anything. And then I feel bad. Like it’s my fault that I can’t study.
Like, I just don’t understand why I’m not studying job related vocabulary/expressions. Why?? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I hurting my chances of escaping?
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Hi NotYourMaid,
It’s totally normal you can’t concentrate on anything at the moment. It’s not that you’re self-sabotaging it’s more imo that you’re living in fear. Your husband did something awful to you recently and it’s naturally caused you to be afraid… so you can’t focus or think. Also it sounds like you’re not getting enough money for food..so this too would affect your concentration. Also abusers work to put us in a trapped position (mine did). He’s drained your savings even though he earns the money. You’re in a different country with a different language so you are isolated from family and friends. It’s good your posting on here for support and knowledge. The volunteering is great to do but hard to do if you’re not getting enough food. Could you phone the live chat on here & chat to someone for extra support. I feel you are in a very unsafe position living with him. My heart goes out to you. But you will move through this onto safer ground with the help of support.
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@lover of no contact
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I keep thinking that it’s my fault that I’m not trying hard enough to escape his abuse… but I think you’re right. I’m just scared.
When I first realized it was abuse, I would freeze up, I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t focus, I would curl up on the floor and start shaking or crying (or both). And it could last from several hours to just minutes. That was a few months ago. Then I would pull myself off the floor, pull out my textbooks and try studying again. And that would happen several times day.
I’m getting help from some non-profts, and after they started helping me, those weird freezing fits/can’t focus fits, sort of almost stopped. But I guess they’re not really over, since I was like that yesterday.
I’m still getting help from some non-profits, and I’m considering reaching out to the local women’s shelter again, but it didn’t go well the time I asked them for help, so I’m still debating it.
But thank you. Your words really helped.
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Hi NotYourMaid,
Keep on posting your thoughts, feelings & fears on here. And was the posts daily. Knowledge is Power and there’s strength in numbers from all the lovely ladies on here who understand what you’re going through. Your husband is addicted to power & control as our our abusers. And they put us in fear to control us. Fear is not love. But you have great strength and will get through this. I’m sorry to hear about your bad experience with the local women’s shelter. Maybe as you say it might be more supportive if you try again. Keep gathering as many supports around you as you can.
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Hi, yes I understand what you’re feeling. I think I have done this over and over. I don’t know if I can offer any advice because I don’t really understand it myself…but I can relate to it. Why do we self sabotage? I can only make guesses.
I think that they will wreck whatever we do. So there’s a feeling of hopelessness. Every plan has a weak link at some place, that’s just normal life…and we know that they will step in at that moment and turn everything that we’ve made to ashes.To achieve anything takes work and sometimes we will hit a rough patch. Some self doubt perhaps, about whether we’re doing the right thing, or maybe just a moment when we need some support. That will be the moment when they cut us down or whisper their negative opinions in our ears, or tell others that they think we’re wasting our time etc etc.
When we know that everything is an uphill struggle, it saps our energy and causes these massive bouts of pain and desperation.
When so many on this forum talk about being kind to ourselves I think this is what they see. How much damage has been done to us that we don’t even know.
All I do is learn about what has happened to me and shrug off the shadow of these sad little vampires who pretended to love us. Then maybe, we can move forward with solid steps. -
Oooooh!! I KNEW it was normal self-sabotage! Like, before I got in a relationship with my husband, I did self-sabotage, but because I was mentally healthier back then, I could pull myself up, and out, and work it out. But I feel like I can’t now. I feel so drained, like I can’t fight against my self-sabotaging. And I watched videos and googled it, but nothing works, and nothing felt like it fit, and now that you said it… I know why!
It’s because he constantly ruins my plans! That’s how he ended up draining my finances. Wow. So my self-sabotaging is a side effect of abuse. Which means that in order for me to stop self-sabotaging, I would need to get him out of my head… I feel weirdly happy knowing this.
I mean, I’m happy that it’s not me, doing things to hurt me. It’s an effect of him hurt me. I know that’s not something I should be happy about. But I don’t know. It’s just that when I thought that I actively working against myself, it made me feel so bad, you know? But now I don’t feel so bad.
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I guess “happy” isn’t the right word. It’s relieved. Before I posted this topic on this forum, I kept thinking that it was all my fault. That I wasn’t trying hard enough to escape, and I was worried that a part of me secretly wanted/wants to stay with him. But both you are right, I’m living in fear, I’m isolated in a country where I don’t speak the language, and pretty much every time I make a plan, my husband does something to break my plans.
What’s happening isn’t my fault. I am not pathetic. I am not stupid.
I am burnt out, and fighting an uphill fight.
But I can still do this.
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