Am I the abuser

[iliketea]

Hi, me again, I’ve posted on here a bit before. I think Im in an emotionally abusive relationship but Im beginning to question myself, and feeling depressed about ever being able to leave it. I feel trapped, feel like a prisoner, feel scared and frightened that there isn’t going to be a way out. I have an IDVA, the GP referred me, I have spoken to solicitors, they have talked about Non Mols and Occupation Order. But whats worrying me is that during our relationship there have been a couple of times when I have reacted physically and he is now saying I am the domestic abuser, he’s saying I need to leave the house, he has really ramped up his behaviour last few days and I’m getting worried. The incidents were when he came at me, I was pregnant, he was ranting and raving and started hitting himself, I slapped him, to stop him I think, he seemed hysterical, out of control, it was really scary. Another time I’m not proud of it but I spat at him, again, he was mocking and scorning me and it was the end of a really bad few days, he wouldn’t stop, and I have no idea where it came from but I just did it, again he was blocking me, I tried to get past, he wouldn’t move. He says Im making excuses, he says goading isn’t a defence. He says Im a domestic abuser. Am I?

[KIP.]

No you are definitely not a domestic abuser. If you were you wouldn’t be on a site like this. Abusers don’t accept they need help. You wouldnt have an IDVA. It’s his mind games. They drive us to a drastic reaction then blame us. You were pregnant. Why would he want to upset a pregnant woman. What a nasty piece of work x abusers are liars so don’t believe a word he says x

[Cecile]

Typically most women are driven to use any means of self defence that are not normally part of their behaviours. Many women will describe trying to use many strategies over a long period of time to solve the problem of the psychological and emotional and physical abuse. I myself have been ranted and raved at, screamed at, whilst he relentlessly screamed crazy half truths and distorted thoughts at me. This has happened during pregnancy, when I had babies, when I was ill. I am not proud to say that I tried pushing him back once, never again he hit my face so hard it left finger marks. But I also tried to get him help with a psychologist. I tried everything, no stone unturned. In the end, I tried yelling when I was desperate for a bed to sleep on and he continually just blanked me. The difference is I stopped when asked me to, and was driven by desperation for a basic human need. Why should you feel bad about defending yourself against this evil man? When pregnant? This is a very high risk, by the way, in terms of his behaviours to you. You need to get out and be safe.

[Newst@rt]

It sounds as though you were under a huge amount of pressure and stress (from him), it was too much and you snapped. You’re only human. There were times when I reacted in ways that weren’t me, and each time he made a big deal and used it against me, but in hindsight I can see now that I was pushed to it. It is normal to minimize and question, but remember the authorities believe you and are taking you seriously x

[Nev@Und@Estim8]

You are most certainly NOT a domestic abuser. His behaviour on the other hand is very typical of a n********t. If you look up all the typical behaviour of an abuser you will recognise the behaviour you are describing and probably a big list of other things. What you are describing is him pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. Unfortunately it’s a case of ‘give them an inch and they take a mile’.

I know it’s hard when you are tangled in their web to the extent you start questioning who you are. I can’t recall where I read it, probably on this forum but someone had asked if everyone agreed the behaviour of an abuser can be the same as a small child I.e tantrums and trying different manipulative tactics to get their own way. The difference being kids aren’t sinister and don’t want to hurt you. I managed to escape once I realised he did sound like a child as I started to see the behaviour as pathetic.

Really and truly, it’s not you it’s him. Getting safely out is the key and as much as I like the phrase ‘time heals all wounds’, I’m a believer in karma in that ‘time wounds all heels’ as well,

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