This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  [email protected]@Estim8 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #99327
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Hi, me again, I’ve posted on here a bit before. I think Im in an emotionally abusive relationship but Im beginning to question myself, and feeling depressed about ever being able to leave it. I feel trapped, feel like a prisoner, feel scared and frightened that there isn’t going to be a way out. I have an IDVA, the GP referred me, I have spoken to solicitors, they have talked about Non Mols and Occupation Order. But whats worrying me is that during our relationship there have been a couple of times when I have reacted physically and he is now saying I am the domestic abuser, he’s saying I need to leave the house, he has really ramped up his behaviour last few days and I’m getting worried. The incidents were when he came at me, I was pregnant, he was ranting and raving and started hitting himself, I slapped him, to stop him I think, he seemed hysterical, out of control, it was really scary. Another time I’m not proud of it but I spat at him, again, he was mocking and scorning me and it was the end of a really bad few days, he wouldn’t stop, and I have no idea where it came from but I just did it, again he was blocking me, I tried to get past, he wouldn’t move. He says Im making excuses, he says goading isn’t a defence. He says Im a domestic abuser. Am I?

  • #99328
     KIP. 
    Participant

    No you are definitely not a domestic abuser. If you were you wouldn’t be on a site like this. Abusers don’t accept they need help. You wouldnt have an IDVA. It’s his mind games. They drive us to a drastic reaction then blame us. You were pregnant. Why would he want to upset a pregnant woman. What a nasty piece of work x abusers are liars so don’t believe a word he says x

  • #99329
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Typically most women are driven to use any means of self defence that are not normally part of their behaviours. Many women will describe trying to use many strategies over a long period of time to solve the problem of the psychological and emotional and physical abuse. I myself have been ranted and raved at, screamed at, whilst he relentlessly screamed crazy half truths and distorted thoughts at me. This has happened during pregnancy, when I had babies, when I was ill. I am not proud to say that I tried pushing him back once, never again he hit my face so hard it left finger marks. But I also tried to get him help with a psychologist. I tried everything, no stone unturned. In the end, I tried yelling when I was desperate for a bed to sleep on and he continually just blanked me. The difference is I stopped when asked me to, and was driven by desperation for a basic human need. Why should you feel bad about defending yourself against this evil man? When pregnant? This is a very high risk, by the way, in terms of his behaviours to you. You need to get out and be safe.

  • #99331
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    It sounds as though you were under a huge amount of pressure and stress (from him), it was too much and you snapped. You’re only human. There were times when I reacted in ways that weren’t me, and each time he made a big deal and used it against me, but in hindsight I can see now that I was pushed to it. It is normal to minimize and question, but remember the authorities believe you and are taking you seriously x

  • #99332
     [email protected]@Estim8 
    Participant

    You are most certainly NOT a domestic abuser. His behaviour on the other hand is very typical of a n********t. If you look up all the typical behaviour of an abuser you will recognise the behaviour you are describing and probably a big list of other things. What you are describing is him pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. Unfortunately it’s a case of ‘give them an inch and they take a mile’.

    I know it’s hard when you are tangled in their web to the extent you start questioning who you are. I can’t recall where I read it, probably on this forum but someone had asked if everyone agreed the behaviour of an abuser can be the same as a small child I.e tantrums and trying different manipulative tactics to get their own way. The difference being kids aren’t sinister and don’t want to hurt you. I managed to escape once I realised he did sound like a child as I started to see the behaviour as pathetic.

    Really and truly, it’s not you it’s him. Getting safely out is the key and as much as I like the phrase ‘time heals all wounds’, I’m a believer in karma in that ‘time wounds all heels’ as well,

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