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    • #13888
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I remember posting pretty much the same subject last year some time… so far from coming to a conclusion. I can almost recognize myself if some of the contributing factors… A month or so back, I posted about how I pointed out that him bringing the baby to me after me being in the bath for less than 10 minutes (she was crying) proved he had no patience. How nasty of me. In the counseling session the counselor said I should consider how I’d feel in his shoes and I’d feel upset, like my parenting skills were being put in question. I feel so horrible they I made him feel that way. I feel so selfish. And all the assumptions I made instead of speaking to him about things.. For example on Mother’s Day he went to his mums for lunch, I made my mum lunch, he’d been lying and said happy Mother’s Day and I was grumpy because he was going to his mums.. I was grumpy he didn’t come home after lunch and was having a sleep. I selfishly wanted something special for the day… I just feel I’ve been so selfish 🙁

    • #13893
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m sorry, but how is wanting to spend more than ten minutes in the bath a crime?

    • #13896
      Eve1
      Participant

      Couples counseling doesn’t work when you’re in an abusive relationship. You listened to what the counsellor said and took it on board. Did he? Does he? You are not an abuser.

      Eve
      x

    • #13897
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’m not sure if he did or not… I know it’s not a crime to have wanted time to myself but I shouldn’t have been so nasty and tell him he has no patience, I should’ve been more encouraging and positive in my response

    • #13898
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You were probably tired.
      And the story of Mother’s Day: did he do anything nice for you? You are the mother of his children!

    • #13899
      Eve1
      Participant

      Starmoon, I just see so much of myself in you. My old self. Where does this idea come from that we have to be saints and behave utterly selflessly, while they get to treat us like [email protected]#p? I know my mum did this. But I saw the hurt it caused her. I don’t know exactly how your husband reacts to your requests, but if I was anything less than sweetness and light there’d be payback. At some point he’d lose his temper and I’d have to acquiesce again.

      I know how hard it is. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. Your suffering enough.

      Hugs
      Eve
      x

    • #13902
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Thank you. He did bring flowers and wrote a card from my children. I was just being selfish in wanting the day to be about me… For him to maybe be a bit more attentive but I know my expectations were too high and as I say- selfish.
      I’m always making everything about me, like I’m entitled or something. This last weekend before he left, he’d only said he wanted to get some beers and I was so selfish in not wanting him to drink. I’ve tried to explain it away here by saying that because of the impending decision of either having a termination or keeping the baby.. I was only thinking about my self and not what he needed after such a hard week at work. I don’t know how to not be such a selfish horrible person

    • #13907
      Serenity
      Participant

      Starmoon,

      You focus too much on your own behaviour, maximising every little foible to its utmost, and you minimise his behaviour.

      I can imagine how you felt in the bath. You were exhausted, and needed just a short while to get her yourself and soak before returning to mothering. How about looking at his behaviour:did he try very hard not to disturb you, realising you were entitled to a break? No, like all entitled men who hate being asked to show responsibility, he felt a need to disturb you.

      And Mother’s Day: errr, you are a new mother and mother of his children, are you not? I mean, are you invisible?

      Your reactions of annoyance were natural feelings rising up. You felt uncared for in both situations.

      Everyone snaps at times. Abuse can be defined as a consistent pattern. I am sure even the nicest person flips at times.

      Like my abuser, your abuser denies your right to show normal emotions.

      I read once that emotional abuse includes both the withdrawl of emotional support, but also denying others the right to show their emotions.

      Your ex should have gone to see his mother as part of the day, but made you feel special and cared for first of all.

      Maybe your asking him not to drink was your plea for him to focus on you more and show he cared. He should have read the signs, and comforted you in that moment.

      You have been brainwashed ( as I was) into thinking that of you assert your needs at all that you are horrible, and that you shouldn’t be thinking of yourself at all, and that to care for yourself or want your partner to is selfish.

      You and he should have been equal and he should have listened to your concerns and done things naturally and independently to care for you, without having to be told or without you having to get upset or exhausted before he recognised your needs.

      But then, I think abusers know we need their help and refuse to give it, in a passive aggressive way. Then they claim innocence.

    • #13909
      godschild
      Participant

      This is the problem with councelors who are not DV aware and trained, they say innappropriate things to the Woman and make her feel bad, and him loving the fact that they are taking his part Ive read about it, only ever go to DV trained people.
      You have a baby ( detail removed by moderator) weeks old and you have another child, you are bound to get tired and need a bit of space to relax in the bath, he should understand that, the councelor should also see that, it been proved now as he has left you in the state you are in that he only thinks about himself, its him that is selfish not you.
      Also on mothers day you should have been pampered, if it was necessary to have seperate lunches with your mom, he should dhavecome home afterward not gone to sleep and give you a nice afternoon, I would have felt the same as you if mine had done that, that isnt selfish you are the mother of his children.
      He has shown how utterley selfish he is the past days, you are not he selfish one and you feel bad in case you were, does he no, they have no concience.

    • #13910
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sometimes we need to remind ourselves why we got into the relationship and what our original expectations were.

      We expected to feel cared for.

      Yet we end up doing a lot of caring, whilst our needs are ignored and our vulnerabilities are exploited. In short, we aren’t actively loved at all.

    • #13911
      Serenity
      Participant

      To make you feel abandoned on Mothers’ Day is a perp tactic and a massive act of abuse.

      Many abusers use Mothers’ Day as a tool. Mine certainly did.

      And to then turn it around that you are at fault for getting upset is highly abusive, a denial
      Of your dignity and rights as a mother, very emotionally cruel.

    • #13942
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Thank you again for all your replies, I must come accross as such a head case… I’m sure I am one but its because everything keep going around and around in my head. I keep thinking that nothing ever seemed resolved. Even if it seemed it was at the time, is walking away and later it would play on my mind.. And because it played on my mind I found it hard to hide it and was in this constant battle with myself, being angry at him for not listening to me.. Then angry at myself for being angry and him and being even more angry at myself for being so over sensitive about silly things that wouldn’t have bothered him or normal people.
      I remember one night I was talking about a friend of a friend and how he’d split from his fiancé.. My now ex started saying… I thought he was engaged and was he single last time he was out with you and your friends?! I made an assumption he was about to start getting annoyed about things and making me feel guilty about how there was a single man out on a night out. I didn’t want to spend the whole evening defending myself so I jumped strait in and quickly said ‘he was engaged they split up last week- this was after I last saw him so when I say him he was still with his fiancé and even if he wasn’t it doesn’t matter because I don’t really know the guy and I’m not a cheat now I don’t want to talk about it anymore because I’m going to sleep’. I did all of that because I ‘think’ he usually has a knack of getting me defending everything and making me feel like the things I thought were normal were not… But then after I’d done and said all that to him- he called me crazy for making the assumption that he was going to have me defend myself because he never ever does that and now I’ve made him sound controlling and how could I make a horrible assumption like that about him. So then I wonder how could I be so cruel and make such stupid assumptions about him. He always said that the biggest problem was that I made assumptions about him….

    • #14149
      bunsandcakes
      Participant

      I could have written this myself. I cannot remember the last time I had a bath or shower without the kids, Im not joking. I know the guilt feelings too… blaming yourself for everything. I went through a patch recently where my opinion of myself was so low that all I could think about was how much more peaceful life would be if I was dead. Didn’t mean I would or wanted to kill myself, I just couldnt picture a time when I wasn’t in demand and miserable – never having a break.

      You can’t NOT make assumptions about someone. Especially when they give you no space to be yourself. If you are like me, you find yourself so busy all the time that you start judging how you are by how everything around you is. Am I ok? Well the house is clean and the kids are happy and fed so yes Im ok. Am I Ok? well the kids are tired and my partner is in a rage so no Im not. Neither of those states are about how I AM its about how others are.

      • #14159
        Starmoon
        Participant

        Such a good point bunsandcakes. I only felt happy myself if he was, the children were and everything in order x

    • #14218
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      I have the same question. Am I the abuser as I always nag for wanted his attention? Is it my fault to expect his care? We even not wanted child for me as he said I will never be good mother of his child and he never think we have no future together. So it’s my fault to stay in this kind of relationship, right? But he was abusive since I knew him. He ever there for me when I need him. Yes he bought me car and nice things but he will never give him his love which it is his right to do it. I am so confuse

    • #14236
      Serenity
      Participant

      On the Bill of Rights we were given at our Freedom Group, one of the rights is it is our right to be loved and to love.

      When you signed up for a relationship with him, you expected love and affection. This is what you should have received.

      Emotional Abuse includes the withdrawing or denial of affection to others.

      He may have deep seated issues which mean he can’t show love or affection, but then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, because to treat anyone like he treated you is sheer abuse. Like a lot of abusers, maybe he is just too selfish to care about anyone.

      Million Pieces, you and I and Starmoon are similar in that we begged our exes for love and affection. These men see it as nagging because they don’t care about our needs and have no empathy.

      You are the normal one: you weren’t wrong to expect love and affection. He was the one in the wrong, by denying you it.

      Don’t believe him when he says you are in the wrong. You were reacting to his coolness and cruelty. No woman can exist with a man who is so unkind.

      My ex bought me a car- but now I realise it was so I could earn money by having a car! Plus, they make gestures like this to keep us there.

      When we separated, my ex actually said ‘I bought you a car, and washing machine’ ( we’d been married years and he earned a fortune, by the way). As if by doing this, I should have stayed and put up with his cruelty.

      They need to give us ‘gifts’ every so often ( or crumbs) to keep us brainwashed into thinking they are nice.

      Look up the cycle of abuse: the honeymoon period ( when they act nice) followed by tension building, then abuse.

      If they were horrid all the time, we wouldn’t stay. Which is why he’s being nice to this new woman now. But the time will come when he starts to mistreat her.

      My ex also started to be very mean to me- more than usual- and this was because – I am pretty sure- he was having an affair.

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