Am I the only person who wants their abusive partner back??

[Starmoon]

So last night I fell into contact with him… I don’t know why I did it- I was fair and simply told him he’d always be involved with the children etc.. He tried a few times throwing things into his emails about how he misses me even though he wants to hate me as I said, and then he said how sorry he was that things had turned out like this but that we were impossible together… I didn’t engage in anything that was us.
He’d previously unblocked me on whatsapp although we were talking via email. This morning I notice he’s blocked me again and in his last email which was a reply to me saying he’d always see the children he’s said ‘fantastic’ with a thumbs up emoji.. And then another email saying how glad he is we can be amicable and how we can both move on with our lives now. I’m i wrong to feel like those messages are almost goading me into losing it again? I want to reply saying I don’t want to move on with my life and never did… Last week we were paying the deposit on our wedding venue and he was telling me I’m the love of his life and he’d die without me. And today he’s saying he’s glad to be able to move on. I just can’t get my head around it all. I’m bothered by the fact that he’s blocked me on whatsapp. We weren’t even talking on there but now I’m blocked I feel like all the hope has gone. I’m pathetic for still wishing he would say he’s realized his mistake and wants to change :(. He’s physically and mentally hurt me so much but I still want him back 🙁

[Falling Skys]

Hi starmoon xx

Sounds like early days to you being free from abuse. Lots of first for you to go through.

I was mines life he wouldn’t have anything without me. Then I’m a nothing to him.

I miss him at his best,but when I look into that he was only nice to keep me on edge so I doubt myself.

I miss the life I should have had not the life I got.

Stay strong you deserve so much more than you had.

FS xx

[Starmoon]

Thank you for your reply. I feel like such a fraud as ever! I don’t know if this is abuse or he merly had enough of me 😓

[Starmoon]

Oh I wish this was easier :(. It seems most of you are on here after having broken the contact yourself but I’m here after he’s left me. Perhaps all he’s said about me is true 🙁

[SaharaD]

It is early days. I spent the first three months totally confused and thinking this was just a blip in our marriage. He had told me by text that he had gotten rid of me. Then it clicked that he lived in some sort of alternative reality. You can’t leave someone who the authorities have said you should have contact with. It’s enforced by WA, MARAC or the police. It’s often authorities who often make the abuser go away one way or another.

Weeks are nothing compared to the long haul of years and months. Don’t be hard on yourself. Do you have support from a Domestic abuse counsellor or support worker or a women’s group like the Freedom Programme.

[SaharaD]

Shouldn’t have contact With. Kindle typing is a nightmare.

[Confused123]

HI HUN

You dont want him back , u just think u do cause u used to him, they actually do become like a drug for us , our body and mind just adapts to having them in our lives, u have to remember why u walked away hun and tell your self everyday thatu do not deserve that treatment, it is draining but u have to stay away from this man , at the begining it is so hard, mine did so many evil things i didn’t event accept it, i was in total denial when i left , he had mentally broke me down yet i still kept in contact, it was like i was safe in my rent house and that was the barrier that protected me from him, they all do the tears, im sorry, they even ignore us , i never thought mine would give me silent treatment but he did, talk to us ladies as they all play the same game, its shocking they have same techniques , u have to pull yourself away to keep yourself protected, wait and see, u will even miss him sexually, my hormones went mad, there was the person that hurt me so badly,used to force me to have sex with him all time against my will, but i missed the intimacy , it was like that was the last connection i had to be able to feel , to survive with him i cut all my feelings off as he always said u can never have a reaction to anything. Get counselling and try to understand what happened. when i left i said contact is always going to be there cause for kids,just be careful hun as they will use every opportunity to take advantage and get u back

[Savingmyself]

Hi Star

I would love mine back but he will abuse me again and again 100 percent because they do not love us and that’s what they do
I can have mine back anytime I want he will willingly come back to have sex and mess me about even though he has another girlfriend now who he gets money from he doesn’t care about her either . Cheating on your partner is abuse too so he abuses his old one and the new one .
His abuse makes me feel crazy and out of control when I am involved with him
So to save my self I have had to get off of his merry go round and I can see all the times and I don’t feel crazy or out of control when I stay away from him for long enough

And I just don’t want that kind of love = abuse for me anymore
We all deserve a lot better care love and understanding from a partner
Not abandonment physical and mental abuse arguments blame and game playing that we can never win with an abuser ever they have been at it too long
Try to take a step back and rest because he will be back and you need space to think if you can put you and your children through it all again and again

Big hugs xx

[Starmoon]

Thanks for the replies. He sent me an email with the usual lines of how I’ve destroyed his life and made it hell which is designed to get at me. I’m weak and have little left, I’ve spent so long believing it’s all my fault. He’s said I’m dangerous, can’t be trusted and will do anything to set him up, he used the examples of me calling the police and recording him… I did both those things on occasions he was violent towards me. He clearly sees his behavior as acceptable! Obviously his email makes me want to reply and defend my actions but that’s all I ever did for our whole relationship.
I’ve had a few more moments of clarity tonight where I’ve looked back and wondered why I’ve been saying ‘if only I didn’t react’… It was ok for him to scream, shout, sweat and physically hurt me but if I spoke up or defended myself- he left. It’s no life

[Savingmyself]

Hi Moon

What he is saying about you is who he is . he is the one who Is dangerous and can’t be trusted not you . They always tell you who they are but project it on to us
Do not bite or try to defend your self to him go silent on him
Hugs xx

[Savingmyself]

And he is the one making your life hell
You sound a sweet caring person just tying to look after your family
Big hugs xx

[I want to break free]

Hello – someone told me about Trauma bonding. Apparently it takes at least a year of no contact (including with third parties) to break a trauma bond. I have been out for (removed by moderator) and I can honestly say that I would have taken him back within the year, if he had said the right things. I wanted him to change, come to his senses, see the damage he was doing etc. I was told by DV workers he would never do this…. I still hoped. So far he has not come to his senses. And yes he says its my fault…tells anyone who will listen. They turn everything back on us, twist everything. It is very confusing.

I was the love of his life but when I got the Non Mol, how quickly I was discarded and how quickly he seemed to recover from loosing the love of his life.

He is the one with the problem x*x

[Confused123]

Hey hun

could of written your post, i thank my stars everyday he continued to be abusive after i left otherwise yep i prob would of gone running bk too

[I want to break free]

Yes Confused123 its strange to see post separation abuse as a blessing but I know exactly what you mean. He showed his true colours so much more after the split and I have watched for signs of change but they have never come and he has continued to be abusive in what ever avenue he has available to him and so it went on. If he had cried crocodile tears and said the right things I would have taken him back in an instant but the post separation abuse went on and on and now even if he really did change now I would not take him back. Its OVER and I accept it now but boy did it take a long time to reach that point!

[lilbbysprout]

It’s hard to let go of our abusive partners because (in my opinion) what we’re truly struggling to let go of is not our partners themselves, but the idea of our partners that we had. After my partner and I separated, he still continued to contact me and insinuated that we could have a casual sex relationship. I almost gave in because subconsciously I believe through intimacy, we could re-connect and return to a part of our past that wasn’t violent. But I didn’t. I have however struggled since with moments of “weakness”, almost texting, or almost calling him. But then I remind myself I am searching for a validation, or for closure, or for an apology that could undue everything when a) it isn’t going to come and b) nothing can really undue what has happened.

The best thing you can do is to be gentle with yourself. It’s normal to feel that way and there’s nothing wrong with you. Just remind yourself that you are loveable, and worth so much more and the steps you’re taking now will get you there. Best of luck to you.

[Serenity]

Hi Starmoon,

I experienced exactly this : him raging between vitriolic blame and anger, and then him appearing seemingly nonchalant like he’s ‘moved on’ and your past almost meant nothing, and took no getting over.

The latter behaviour ( nonchalant ) really did my head in, and for months I was trying to work out how/ why he could be like that, like I was yesterday’s newspaper, when he’s obsessively rung me at work for years…

The simplest explanation I have come to is this: abusers feel negative emotions ( anger, envy, jealousy, etc ) most powerfully, and are ruled by them.

In terms of positive emotions ( love, care, concern, giving, etc) they don’t feel them as you or I do. For whatever reason. But they know other people feel hem, so can mimick them, and use others’ emotions to manipulate them. They know what will hurt or annoy you, they can read you like a book ( even though they don’t experience normal emotions themselves!).

Thus, his main emotions towards you are anger / jealousy etc.

Because of this, he convinces himself you are an enemy to destroy, and he will use all manner of tactics to hurt you. One method is to try to pretend he is ‘over you ‘ already, that he’s moved on, etc.

In fact, abusers never move on from their anger and jealousy. He will always be like he is, even to his next partner. He is pretending he is over you to save face/ because of his pride, and to hurt you and make you feel like you are nothing. See through it.

In fact he isn’t over it. Not love: I doubt he can truly love anyone. No, he isn’t over the fact that he needs to hurt and control you, like we need air.

No contact was the most difficult but most rewarding thing I ever did, allowing me to regain my sanity.

Thank the heavens you didn’t marry. My wedding day was hell, the emotional abuse went up a gear, and so started decades of cruelty.

Be gentle with yourself x*x

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