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    • #143478
      smallbutbrave
      Participant

      when I first met my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he lived so far away my younger self never thought in those esrly days that it would ever come to anything so i was still chatting to other guys (i never phyiscally cheated) no kissing or going on dates just chstting. Things did progress and a years later whem we are living together he found all that out and still all these years later throws it in my fave everytime we have an argument. Things have been terrible at times. he has been verbally abusive and volent throughout the years a d he says its all my fault because i have made him paranoid. He says I never make him feel wanted (which is b******t) but over the years esp more recently i just can’t stand him, he can be so awful and blows up at the smallest things. he is so aggressive at times.

      This is what i need to know though…Do i deserve all this?? I know I made mistakes back then and i am so sorry to him for the hurt i caused him but i can mot deal with this being thrown in my fave every fee weeks/months. when i certainly give him any reason now to not trust me as i am not allowed to go out with friends to bars, clubs, pubs or just anywhere socially. whem i say i don’t think its fair he always brings it up all these years and ee need to put itnto bed later he gets really cross and says its all my fault

      ahhh what do i do, we are on the verge of splitting up and i am starting to findnit hard to stand my ground

    • #143479
      smallbutbrave
      Participant

      sorry for the typos…rushing

    • #143481
      Mellow
      Participant

      Well no you don’t deserve to be bullied maybe he dosent feel closure did you have a proper discussion about what happened and put it to bed or does he have unanswered questions.I know in my personal situation I have unanswered questions to an emotional affair along with lies even when I know the truth I can’t move on from it without him at least giving me an apology so I’ve ended the relationship which is what he should do if it can’t be resolved there’s no future and you can’t be forever punished.if it’s been resolved that should be it and it shouldn’t be brought up again

      • #143494
        smallbutbrave
        Participant

        yeah, we have had many discussions about itnover the years. Many many times I have told him how sorry i am and have agreed to never go out without him, i thought i did everything to reasure him but he wouldn’t just bring it up, he would get nasty about it and call me names, accuse me of stuff, grab, kick, bite, scratch me.

        this all happened (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I was alot younger then and nothing like that has ever happened since. It wasn’t like i was sleeping about…far from it.

        i wish none of that happened but i can’t go on like this. he just goes on and on listing all my faults. If its that bad why won’t he just end it for good. he is so blameless. he cant do anything wrong, everyone else is at fault. i cant even attempt to defend myself or tell myside of the story as i get labeled as a victim and i’m not, i just want to move on woth my life

    • #143482
      Mellow
      Participant

      You also need to ask him want he wants if he’s saying he dosent feel wanted in what way?what does he want from you,some people though never do understand.my other half I can tell him till I’m blue and he will still say I don’t know what you want I’m guessing your not the n********t in this situation though and he’s making excuses and paranoid he does sound paranoid if he’s saying he dosent feel wanted but that’s not your issue that’s his so you probably should make the choice for him and end the relationship if he won’t.you can’t go on like this

    • #143484
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Are you to blame? No like you said it wasn’t serious at that point and hasn’t happened since you became serious. Even if there was any fault, he’s had more than enough time to deal and decide whether to forgive or leave, it’s not ok to hold it over you. Unfortunately it’s an easy insult to throw at you and as you react he keeps using it. What you deserve is peace and happiness x

      • #143495
        smallbutbrave
        Participant

        he cant deal with it. No matter what i say or do. but after all the abuse from him (theres been lots) i just cant find it in me anymore to reasure him. Whem I say reasure that means he wants sex all the time but i just don’t have it in me. My sex drive has gone completly.

    • #143525
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear smallbutbrave,

      You are absolutely not to blame. He is choosing to behave abusively and only he is responsible for this. He is using this example from a long time in the past as a convenient excuse to blame you over and over again. What you have explained in the past was very minor before you were properly together and you have dealt with it, but even if it had been a serious form of adultery, which it wasn’t, it still would not justify abusive behaviour from him. There is no excuse for abuse, absolutely nothing justifies it.

      Please be kind to yourself, imagine the advice you would give a friend in your situation.

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Keep Posting,

      Lisa

    • #143540
      Anonymous2022
      Participant

      Oh smallbutbrave my heart breaks for you. You are 100% not to blame. Please believe that. No one has a right to treat you that way and a decent person would leave you if they were unhappy.

      What you’re describing is exactly what I’ve been through. Please look up FOG – fear, obligation, guilt – it’s how they keep us tied to them. I’ve also been reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (there’s a free pdf online). It’s been really helpful for me to break the cycle.

      Keep talking and get all the support you can. These men break us but we grow stronger xx

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