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I’m really confused. I feel like I don’t know what is right and wrong. So I’m going to write it all down and I am probably over reacting. But I just can’t stop thinking about it all.
The mmain thing which I don’t like us that my husband has a very high sex drive and if i don’t want sex he will keep going on and on trying to make me change my mind. Saying (detail removed by Moderator) Or (detail removed by Moderator) etc.
Sometimes even if I’ve said no multiple times he will try and touch me. I try and move his hands but he keeps doing it. Sometimes I actually clamp my hand over my vagina so he can’t get at me and he will just prize it away. He will just start having sex with me when it I’ve said no. A few times I have resisted. But most of the time I don’t put up much of a fight and just allow him to do it. Sometimes I even pretend to be enjoying it just to get it over with.
The other day I didn’t want anything and he started touching me and inserted fingers into me. I lay on my front to try and stop him and he carried on. It hurt and he kept going for 50 minutes.
Positions will hurt and he will just keep going.He sometimes says things like “you look a mess.”
Have you seen the state of your hair
Are you going out looking like that.
You need to workout your him is too big
Etc.
He is quite controlling. If he wants us to do something there is no compromise. He can get annoyed at the kids over little things and will absolutely bellow at them.Today he kept slapping my bum and grabbing me infront of the kids. Kept telling him to let me go. He would hold me so I couldn’t move my arms or anything and not let me go. But I was in a rush trying to get them ready.
He then kind of rugby tackled me into the bed and he literally threw me then lay on top of me so I couldn’t move. I kept asking him to get off and he wouldn’t.
I shouted at him to stop and he said (detail removed by Moderator) Then he let me get up and straight away threw me down again. I felt wonder but it didn’t really hurt. Its more frustrating that he won’t listen.I just feel like I have to fight for every tiny bit of independance.
I know there’s more but my brain is like mush today. So I’ll just leave it there.
Sorry if I am overreacting. -
Hi Toshiba, you are in no way being too sensitive or over reacting. You are in an abusive relationship. Please get help and support. I had a similar experience and didn’t recognise it for years, it was only when I went to my GP suffering a range of health problems that he questioned me about my marriage and told me to ring my local domestic abuse service. They were so supportive and I met up with an Outreach worker regularly who helped me to understand what was happening. I have had counselling through them and I am now out of the relationship and coming to terms with what has happened over a very large part of my life.
I can highly recommend reading the book Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven to help you understand what is happening to you.
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Which bits are abusive though and how?
I have brought these things up with him before and he says he is just messing about. Or having fun. Maybe he is?
Thanks for your advice. I couldn’t have a book though as he would see it.
I don’t want to leave him. I never ever could be without him. But I do sometimes struggle with things and wish they were different.-
I know it is difficult to see the abuse when you are in it as you have become so used to it and managing the situation, it starts to feel “normal”. He’s forcing sex on you when you don’t want it and are saying no repeatedly – that’s rape! The fact that he carries on when he knows he’s hurting you is abuse.
He’s treating you roughly and without respect in front of the kids. He’s criticising you and putting you down – you say he’s controlling and it’s his way or the high way. These are all tactics used by abusers to keep women where they want them – that is at their beck and call. He has made you feel you have to fight for independence.
If you don’t want to get a book, you can get it online. Look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk. You can read a sample there. Some of it is about violence but I was never hit – my abuse was all emotional and mental. I found all of the tactics my ex used in there – it started to make a lot of sense once I’d read it.
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I can relate to this I too find my partner doing similar things to me and makes me feel ashamed and confused as to what he doing is not even agreed with me.one time I remember him pinning me down and covered my face saying things like (detail removed by Moderator) or (detail removed by Moderator) makes me feel horrid.when I approach him about it he says it role play and laughs saying don’t be a miserable prude.All this makes me wonder if its sexual abuse or I’m over reacting ??
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Hi Empath, this is not role play, that is something you both agree on. You are not overreacting, it is sexual abuse. Sex in a healthy relationship should be a loving, shared experience. He is calling you names and insulting you which is bullying. What would you say to a friend who told you her partner was treating her like this? Please call the helpline or find your local domestic abuse service. Also look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
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Toshiba,
It sounds like you are being repeatedly sexually assaulted and possibly raped by your husband, you are definitely not being too sensitive nor overreacting at all, in fact like a lot of us it is the opposite, you are having to tolerate things that nobody should have to tolerate at all.
It is abuse if he is forcing himself on you, forcing his fingers into you, having sex with you when you’ve said no and it’s hurting you, it’s also abuse if he is using manipulation and coercion so that you have sex with him. The rugby tackling and holding your arms sounds like physical abuse.
Of course he will make excuses for it saying that he’s just ‘joking around,’ all abusers minimise and downplay their abuse and blame it on us. My ex used to do that all the time, he was constantly ‘joking’ about horrible things and physically rough with me the way your husband is being.
The criticism and putting you down is emotional abuse and will be taking a toll on your self esteem. Abuse like this can take a long time to heal.
Have you rung the helpline and your local domestic abuse service? If you ring them and tell them what is happening they will be able to advise you. I rang mine and found them incredibly helpful, I think they saved my life by telling me that what I was experiencing was abuse when I was strongly in denial about it at the time.
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Hi thanks for replying to my comment. I too wanted to fight back but didn’t due to a risk of a kick off,as last two times he strangled me to the point I passed out. my daughter saved me 😢I’m confused as didn’t want too but didn’t fight back hard enough to save the aggro this made me question myself ?? But I know I didn’t want too as only bothers with me when he drunk 😪
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Thanks relieved I’ll look into it.
Sunshinerainflower-the thing is there have only been a few times when I have literally fought to get him off new and he has carried on. Most of the time I say no. Roll over. Push his hands away etc but I don’t fight. I don’t know if you could say he forced me as he doesn’t restrain me. I just find it easier to let him. 🙁 so I don’t think that would be abuse.
He is rough but he doesn’t leave marks. So I don’t think it’s physical abuse.
He does love me. He is nice alot of the time too. Had not horrible all the time.
I don’t know it’s all confusing.
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Oh and I’ve not rung the helpline. I didn’t know if it was abuse or not and I would feel silly phoning. I also have 2 young children always with me. So i couldnt really phone eith them about. Im rarely on my own.
I don’t think I could actually phone them and talk about this stuff either. I couldn’t even type some things as it was too embarrassing-
Toshiba, it can feel like a huge step to take to call the helpline and I was uncertain I would be taken seriously but the lovely lady I spoke to first was so supportive and helpful. You may have to plan a time to make that call but I promise you won’t regret it, you don’t have to go into detail. You’ve made a positive step by coming onto this website. In the meantime read up as much as you can. It is definitely abuse – I know, I’ve been there. You find excuses for his behaviour and he keeps telling you he didn’t mean it, it was just a joke, he blames his behaviour on anything other than taking responsibility for his actions. My ex blamed the way he treated me on the fact that he never got over his dad’s death.
You say he doesn’t restrain you so it is not forced but he is using coercive and controlling behaviour to get you to have sex. “Why don’t you want me, I want you” is a line my ex used too. It took me a long time to realise all the tactics he was using to get me to do what he wanted. He’d sulk, get angry, be nice then turn on me, put me down, criticise me.
Please keep posting. You need support in this situation. We’re here for you.
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Hi Toshiba,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. It must have taken a lot of courage to post for the first time, I hope you find the Forum a supportive and safe place to be.
As already said by others, you are not being too sensitive or overreacting. You have described abuse in different forms- sexually, physically and emotionally. Your husband sounds very controlling.
You have taken a huge step by reaching out for support on here so well done. There will always be support here for you as well as through other avenues.
The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 if you have any time to make a call safely. It is a busy service but there is a voicemail available to request a call back at a safe and convenient time. The Helpline Workers will not judge you, they will believe you and discuss your options based on your circumstances. They will not tell you what to do, sometimes a listening ear can really help. Support is also available via your local support group if you would prefer face-to-face support. You can find your local group via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You could also speak to your GP.
It is your decision about what you do next, but we will be here to support you along the way. Keep posting to us when you can, we all understand what you are going through.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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My ex treated me like that too. Called my body parts ugly names, slapped me as he walked past, had me in an arm lock, grinning because I was too weak to escape, pushing me roughly on the bed, pinning me down, pinching me, grabbing my private areas, treating me like a piece of meat during sex.
He got away with his behaviour by telling me I was being over-sensitive or by making things out to be a joke.
When I called the NCDV for my non-molestation order, I related these things and said I didn’t think they could be taken as real abuse, but I was told it was- my ex was just trying to deliver the abuse in a way that made me question it.
Now, a couple of years out, I can see it was all part of his abuse in general: treating me like an object, something he owned that he could treat as he liked. He showed me no respect, no manners, no tenderness: I was just shoved about and used for his purposes. I wasn’t treated like a human being at all. I can’t remember him being kind even once- only smarmy.
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Yesterday my daughter woke up at (detail removed by Moderator). I had had a disturbed nights sleep and was so tired all day.
Got into bed at (detail removed by Moderator) last night and husband wanted sex. I said no because I was so tired. But he kept saying (detail removed by Moderator) I told him it wasn’t him I was just so tired and just wanted to go to sleep.
He kept touching me. I felt really sick and I knew he was going to do it and I’m just sick of having to do it even I don’t want to. I felt really nervous. But I kept saying no
Pushing his hands away. Crossing my legs together. I said please stop. Please. I want to sleep. He kept putting his fingers in me. Then he forced me on top of him. He pulled me on top and I tried to get away but he was so strong and he forced his penis inside.
I told him to stop. He tried to change position and I managed to get away and tried to get to my daughters room but he blocked the door and threw me on the bed. Forced my legs apart and did it again. He held by leg up and it was so painful I shouted out and said. Ouch that’s hurting. He went even harder when I said that.
Then He changed position. I just let there and he said (detail removed by Moderator) He kept saying it and I knew it wouldn’t and until i did but i said (detail removed by Moderator) He asked why and I said if told him I didn’t want it and he kept going and it just etc. He kept going for a minute or two then stopped and said he couldn’t finish now because he wanted me to enjoy it.
Made me feel really bad after saying that he wanted me but I didn’t want him etc.
Then this morning we were in bed with the kids and he started touching me. I told him to stop and said the kids are there stop it. He kept putting his fingers in and I felt like I couldn’t stop it because I didn’t want to make a fuss with the kids there.
Then he said (detail removed by Moderator)
I said I didn’t want to and he pushed his fingers in harder.
He said her in there now.So I went. I didn’t want to kids to notice anything and he told ne to face the wall. I said (detail removed by Moderator) i tried to ceoss my legs and he roughly pulled them apart. And he did it. I was still And silent for a while. Then I heard the kids having a mini argument. So I pretended to like it so it would stop And I could go back.
And now I feel stupid because I should have gone back to sit with the kids before he did anything. He couldn’t have really done it there.
I feel like maybe it is me allowing it to happen. Because when I told him last night I wasn’t going to orgasm. He did stop. I had told him that earlier on too. But he didn’t finish either. -
OMG Toshiba, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This is RAPE plain and simple. You did everything you could to make it clear to him you said no. He’s playing mind games with you too which is what is making you doubt yourself and he’s putting the blame on you saying you are not enjoying it. You allowed it to happen because it was your only other option left as you had tried to stop it, tried to escape. I can’t tell you what to do but I strongly advise you get help. See Lisa’s post above. Have you looked at the Freedom Programme website yet?
His behaviour is going to get worse – he may be all lovey dovey with you for a while but it WILL happen again. I’m so sorry, I wish I could come and help you myself – can you go stay with a family or a friend with the kids? Sending virtual hugs x
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Toshiba, as Relieved said, you are being raped. Please ring the helpline, they won’t think you are silly at all. When we’re in the relationship we downplay what is happening because abusers make it so confusing, downplay it themselves and blame us. They do this so that we don’t realise we’re being abused so that we continue to stay. None of this is your fault, you are not doing anything to cause it and unfortunately it is likely to get worse. Look up the Cycle of Abuse and the Power and control wheel in google and you might recognise quite a few behaviours there. My ex used to blame me and minimise his behaviour all the time. Is there a moment when the children are with a friend or at nursery or asleep that you could ring? Wishing you lots of good luck and strength.
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Is it still rape if he doesn’t finish though? He did stop eventually.
Then the best day he started doing it and then I pretended to like it to get it over with. So does that count or not?
I just feel so confused and conflicted. I keep going back and forth.
I have a (detail removed by moderator)year old and (detail removed by moderator) year old and they are with me all the time then evening husband comes home.
The only time I could phone is when(detail removed by moderator) year old is at nursery and if (detail removed by moderator)year old has a nap at the same time. Which he is now
I say looking at my phone for ages and couldn’t do it and then I finally phoned and I had to leave a voicemail. But he will wake up in half an hour so then I won’t be able to take the call.
It seems impossible. I just don’t know what to do. -
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I think you will be able to when the time is right Toshiba. Just keep trying. It is very hard. Abuse is so, so confusing, the abusers trick us into believing what’s happening is normal, or that the abuse is our fault, or that they are stressed or tired or some other reason so that we dismiss and accept it or even blame ourselves.
It’s great that you rang them, sorry to hear you didn’t get through it can get very busy sadly. But keep trying 🙂 Also, often there is a local domestic abuse team, I have one in my area and these lines are usually less busy from what I understand, so you could try a google search for your local one? There is a search facility for them on this website. There are also rape crisis helplines. Please don’t feel silly ringing them, you have as much need and right as the next person.
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Toshiba, well done for trying to make that call. It is a step in the right direction. I’m sure when the time is right you will be able to speak. As sunshinerainflower says, look for a local domestic abuse service – link here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ I felt like you, I was unable to speak but then when I did it was an unbelievable relief to have someone on my side when I had felt like I was going mad.
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Toshiba, if you don’t want to talk about the sexual abuse on the phone, you can talk about his controlling behaviour and the verbal abuse. You must also be worried about how his behaviour is affecting your kids. That was the turning point for me when I realised how the kids were being affected by witnessing the way he treated me! Keep posting and let us know how you are coping. Rx
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Yesterday he was very quiet and ignored me quite a bit. I asked if he wanted sex at bedtime (I know I’m stupid) he said no and we went to sleep.
Then he woke in the night and wanted it but I was half asleep. I said no and said I wanted to go back to sleep. He started touching me and I said stop I just want to sleep and then he started having sex with me. But then I thought ok I’ll just do it. So we had sex and it was ok. But then (sorry for tmi ) I saw blood and realised I must have come on my period. So I asked to stop and he said no come on let’s just finish but I said I didn’t want to.
He then grabbed me and pulled me on top of him but he pulled a bit hard and I jumped my head on the wall (he actually bumped my head twice) but it wasn’t that hard there’s no jump or anything. I’m just a bit annoyed he didn’t care he had done that -
Sounds like he wants control during sex and by you offering it, you are in control so maybe that’s why he said no?!? He really does not care about your feelings and well being Toshiba, especially the fact you hit your head. Please call again and as I said before you don’t need to talk about the sex if you can’t say the words out loud. He is controlling and abusive out of the bedroom so please tell the helpline about that side of your relationship. It does take a bit of time to get your head round the fact you are being abused and it sounds like you are becoming more aware.
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I am in bits today. Last night was horrible. I th I just don’t know what to do. I think I’m accepting now that it is abuse 🙁 feel kind of numb now.
I can’t leave because of the kids. Can’t take them away from friends and eldest starts school soon so can’t take her away from there.
I have nothing. It’s his car and we sold our house to pay for his business so I don’t really have anything.
I have no family. I have no close friends close by.
I wouldn’t want to risk him having access to then without me there.
No one would believe me. He charms everyone. Everyone loves him.
I’m just alone and scared and sad.
I can’t phone the helpline. I’m never alone I always have my children with me. I can’t phone in front of them. Just stuck.-
Hi Toshiba, I’m sorry to hear that you are still struggling with this. You say you can’t leave because of the kids but actually you have to leave because of the kids. It’s what gave me the strength to finally end it, realising what the kids were witnessing and how it was affecting them and I stuck it out for an awful long time. Do you have family or friends further away? Don’t worry about taking your kids away from their friends – it sounds like they are quite young – they will make new ones. Your daughter can start school anywhere. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. The abuse will only get worse – it always does, however nice he is in between times. PM me if you want to chat x*x
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I can understand the children bit. I have two children both young, (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator), my ex has always been a bit critical, and a bit demanding sexually (nowhere near as bad as that- but to be honest I never said no the way you do). the way he spoke to me. the things he would say.
in some ways having children makes things difficult, I left my ex when he physically hurt me. there was lots of things said.
what i’m trying to say is that the thing that has made me leave, and stay gone, (even when he continually pushes at me, telling me how much of a wreck I am, how I’m struggling to cope with everything) is that my children started to talk to me the way he did. they started to demand of me the way they did. my youngest even said to me that I was a b***ch when I told him no. the children see more than we think, more than we would like and very often emulate without realising it.
as a mother we have a duty to our children, as a woman we have a duty to ourselves- and very often they coincide.
I thought my children couldn’t handle us separating.
they love it!
he even said to me get a solicitor because your not taking my children. I did that(detail removed by Moderator)
its not easy. no way in hell is it. but being able to say some of the words, even if its not all, helps and the more you say it. the less it becomes your life! and more like someone else’s on a video loop.
what I told myself everyday, and still do:
this is my life, I made this choice. but my children did not. they do not choose. I need to for them. what starts as adult interaction will soon become child interaction and then what they start to see or feel will start to become a mirror in them, until the behaviour is just everyday.
(my youngest cried his eyes out when I told him it was unacceptable to use that word, to speak to them lie that. he was so sorry. he even said I don’t know why I did that.
but I do. he did it because he see and heard his dad do it, because he see him speak to me like that. and I did/ said nothing.) I was in the wrong then, and now i’m making it right.
because now its been a couple of months but my son can hear me say no, and he doesn’t react like that.what i’m trying to say in a bit of a long winded way is that more people would believe you than you think. I have found that if someone appears charming, and everyone likes them- normally everyone is actually suspicious of them.
children are so very resilient. I am in awe of mine everyday.
you have had the strength to contact here, you have had the strength to be descriptive on here on what is happening to you. (could you try emailing someone perhaps? your obviously finding writing it easier then speaking so maybe try and find out if that’s something that’s possible) that in itself is the first step, you have admitted, you have opened up. -
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I have messaged my friend who lives in far away about this. She is the only person I’ve told. She phoned women’s aid for me and they told me to phone the police and that I need to get out wtc. It’s just so scary. What would happen with contact?
My children are asleep when it happens so I don’t think it effects them and I feel like staying would be better for them leaving would turn their whole world upside down.
I dot have any family and my close friend lives hours away. I want to stay where I am. I want to make things better. I still love him so much. I’ve been with him since I was a teenager. We
I will be lost without him.
The kids will miss him.
Money
Car
House
His family.
What do it I do? -
Hi Toshiba, I know how scary this all is but try not to think too far ahead for now. Way easier said than done I know. The only priority is you and the children being safe and well and right now you are not. I know it feels like the children aren’t really aware and that it will unsettle them, but they will be aware of much more than you know. I stayed with my ex-husband for many years for the same reasons despite him raping me for years. I was also with him since being a teenager. The long term effect on my mental health was not worth it, I got to the point where I was suicidal just for it to end, even though I didn’t see it as rape then and didn’t really understand why I felt as desperate as I did. I can remember almost shouting at someone who was persuading me to go into refuge, saying what am I supposed to tell them?! (the children). It seems so extreme when it’s just our normal life that we are used to, when he tells us it’s all normal and we’re overreacting. Please believe me when I say that it’s worth taking that leap of faith to end this. You will (eventually) feel so much better and so will your children. I am a much better and happier parent than I could ever be with him around. The pleasure and relief of sleeping safely in my bed at night at the end of a long day is priceless and worth all that I’ve lost.
Sending you strength and love. Let your friend and the services help you, you can do this Toshiba xx -
Hi Toshiba
I know there are a lot of things to think about when leaving an abusive relationship and the fear of the unknown can be very scary. I can hear that you want to make things better, but unfortunately you are not in control of this situation, he is, and he is not stopping or changing and you are not safe.
If you did want to think about ways you could leave and stay in the same area, you could find out financially where you would stand with benefits, if it was just you and the children by contacting Turn2Us, they have a website where you can use their benefits calculator, or you can call their advice line which is 0808 802 2000. Some women who want to stay in the same area are able to rent using housing benefit.
Another option if you wanted to move to be near your friend or your support network, would be to consider looking for refuge vacancies in areas where they live. You can via helpline or your local domestic abuse service.
I know it is hard for you to make phone calls because of the children, it might be worth having a look to see if your local domestic abuse support service offers email support if that would feel easier, or you could contact your local rape crisis helpline if your little one was having a nap for example, just to be able to talk to someone about what is happening, you may find they are easier to get through to if you only have a short window of time to call someone. The Helpline is always available to explore you options or just to have a chat about things and you can always leave a voicemail with safe time for a call back.
This may all feel too overwhelming at the moment but I just wanted to offer a few practical bits of information so you know where you can turn and what your options are.
Take Care and keep posting
Lisa
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Thank you for all the information. I’ve been thinking about it all and I will be heartbroken to leave here as I love it here and my children have so many friends that I had hoped were for like.
But I feel like if I stay here and leave he could make my life Hell. And would come to find me. My friend said she will go into the local women’s aid where she lives and try and find out more. It’s so scary and upsetting to think about.
I know what he is doing is wrong. But I still live him and I feel like I will be ruining his life by moving and taking the kids. He will be heartbroken. I’m scared it will scar the kids for life.
I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. -
Hey Toshiba. I know exactly how you feel. I felt exactly the same. Loving this man will not change him. He knows exactly what he is doing. I can promise you that by staying he will ruin your life and that of your children. I truely wish I had left when my son was young. Before he was tainted by the abuse he saw. If it makes you feel better, I told myself it was a trial separation. Nothing final. Just time apart to gather my thoughts. Of course I knew deep down it was really over and when he went nuts, it confirmed my decision. Hang in there. The fog will clear one day and you will wonder what you ever saw in a man who would choose to abuse you. The mother of his chidren. It’s not worth staying for that x
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