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Finding it difficult to know where to start, and work out how to convey things as I experience them. I’ve been with my partner for nearly (removed by moderator) years, and we have a child together. My partner has experienced significant trauma in his life and this has resulted in mental health difficulties and one massive symptom is anxiety. Throughout our relationship I have always ben supportive and understanding but this at times has been to my detriment.
He grew up in a turbulent setting and witnessed DV, resulting in trust issues and a toxic way of experiencing love. The resulting trust issues spill into our relationship, he is convinced I am cheating on him – which I never have – and looks for evidence that isn’t there. If I was to go out with friends, or even with my family this causes great anxiety for him and I will often chose not to socialise to avoid the repercussions. Repercussions being verbal abuse and harassing messages which are usually completely unrelated to the situation. He has great difficulty in understanding that I have a need to engage with other people, he is extremely introverted and doesn’t socialise himself and I feel he wants me to be that way, and that’s not me. I feel I have supressed parts of myself for years and tried to convince myself that I am okay with it.
He has an inability to regulate his emotions, this can result in verbally abusive outburst that are manic. Road rage is scary, there are times when he has used the car as a weapon against me – driving in a risky way and threatening to crash the vehicle. He gets into this manic state and then comes crashing down after, feeling devastated about his behaviour – which leaves me feeling sorry for him even though he’s the one that’s put me through a traumatic experience.
Our child is getting older and is more aware, I find myself excusing behaviours ‘daddy’s got a sore head’ is becoming a regular explanation. At times my child will even say to me ‘(removed by moderator)’ and its heart breaking. He is a brilliant dad, but is unstable and erratic – very Jekyll and Hyde – and I feel powerless, always trying to mitigate triggers to keep a calm environment.
I have spoken to him about all of this, and he agrees and understands but has no ability to control. I suspect he is on the spectrum somewhere (I have a neurodivergent condition myself and work in mental health)- I’m not sure what but something is going on.
Behaviours have been getting more regular and more intense as more stresses have developed in our life. Mostly it has been verbal abuse, though there has been wall punching as well. Recently it came to a head when I refused to let him drive because he was in a heightened state, this escalated to him grabbing be by the neck and I always said to myself that if ever hands were laid on me that would be it. I wasn’t hurt but the verbal abuse and lead up to it was all visible by our child, thought the grabbing was not.
I feel like I am always waiting for the next blow up, which will happen again. And I spend a lot of energy and thought trying to keep it away.
I understand where his behaviours stem from, but it doesn’t remove the impact it has on me and child. His mental health is so vulnerable that I have genuine concerns that he would take his life if I was to end it. I do feel responsible for him, and I do care about him massively and he is like this lost boy who has never been taught how to feel. I feel he needs help, help I cannot give anymore and I fear that his mental health is stopping him from ever getting support with his mental health. I am the only thing keeping him afloat but I am feeling like I am in a choppy storm without a paddle, trying to shelter my child from the rain. I can’t do this forever. -
You’re in an extremely abusive relationship and your child is suffering child abuse because of it. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Contact your local womens aid and ring the national domestic abuse helpline. He knows exactly what he is doing. Why doesn’t he behave this way with other people if he cannot control himself? He would be in jail by now if he behaved this way with others. Domestic abuse is intimate terrorism. Directed at an intimate partner. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google the power and control wheel. Google the cycle of abuse.
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If he grew up in a dv environment then he knows exactly how it feels for your child and you, and wouldn’t he want to avoid that. The childhood trauma sounds like an excuse for his behaviour especially if he isn’t getting counselling/therapy for it. The behaviours you list are huge red flags of abuse, especially the road rage and it’s clear the behaviour is escalating and now becoming physical. As Kip said, get yourself some support.
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Telling you to leave him sounds like a play on your sympathies to get you feeling sorry for him and guilty if you left….which has worked!!
The grabbing you round the neck is a sure sign of escalation and next time your child may just witness it. Please reach out to a local support service. I’m no expert by any stretch of the imagination but this even has me going W*F! Keep safe.
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Hello confusedandconflicted,
I have been posting here recently myself and ironically lots of professional experience in this area. I feel this forum has been so helpful with keeping my head screwed on and wanted to give a bit back (It’s always easier to talk about other peoples experiences than your own isn’t it!)
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not on your own and this is such a wonderful community on this forum that I hope you find it helpful. What you’re describing sounds so scary to be subject to. I unfortunately agree with some of the other commenters here that “his lack of control”/abusive behaviour seems solely targeted within this setting of your relationship. Which really does mean he has quite a bit of control and awareness. I don’t know your situation well enough – but I’d bet money that he isn’t treating his co-workers or acquaintances this way.
From what you’ve shared – it also does seem like he’s repeating a pattern of self-deprecating and sympathy inducing tactics when he knows he’s acted out (Telling yo to leave and you’d be better off without him). It’s very clear that you’re an extremely empathetic and caring person and he knows this. I think absolutely anybody would find this gut-wrenchingly painful to hear from someone they cared about and I think he knows that.
It can also be incredibly difficult to discern between what levels of understanding is helpful for someone and what levels defeats the object of caring for someone. When it costs yours and your family’s wellbeing it’s clear that the care and understanding is only flowing in one direction.
It’s so important to distinguish the difference between a reason* for someone’s behaviour and an excuse* for it. Regarding his upbringing – No one deserves to be a witness of abuse or abused as a child (That will always be true) – and this can lead to significant mental health issues and maladaptive behaviour/patterns. It is also* true every adult has the responsibility to get the help they need if they are harming other people due to their own trauma (especially if he has enough awareness and capacity to do so). It is also well worth remembering that most people who experience abuse as a child do not go on to be abusive themselves. Whether it’s conscious or not – there will be an element of choice in continuing his behaviour instead of taking action to change (As you have explained to him why it hurts you).
It’s one of the hardest things to recognise and accept we cannot always help someone who needs it and we aren’t responsible for other people’s healing. In healthy and reciprocal relationships – intimate connections can be an incredible help towards healing and support. However in abusive dynamics a willingness to help the abusive partner at the cost of your wellbeing is often the nature of the one-sided care.
More importantly than anything at this stage – his very dangerous behaviour i.e. dangerous driving, throwing things/punching walls/grabbing you by the neck are very classic signs of escalation. Please try to reach out to people you trust and try and make a bit of a safety plan when you’re ready to.
This could be: making sure you have a place to go in an emergency with your child (Friend or family members house), making sure if you are planning to leave – not to let him know until you have enough in place to leave quickly. You know your situation better than anyone and know what will and won’t keep you safe. Listen to your instincts because they sound totally right and don’t listen to any advice which feels risky (Including my own!).
Sending lots of strength and hugs. You can figure this out and I hope you have a strong network of people around you to talk to. Keep posting and work on imagining a future free of what you’re going through. It does exist! x
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