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    • #48623
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Oh gosh, I’ve written and rewritten this post a dozen times. I don’t know what to say. When I started a couple hours ago, I had intended to ask for you all to help me determine if my husband is actually abusive, or if it’s all in my head. But the more I wrote, even though I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible, there is no longer doubt in my mind now that he is manipulative and abusive. I have been used, twisted and done things I never thought I would do, that go against my values and beliefs. I’m so full of same that I feel sick. I want to kick myself cos I should know better (I was abused as a child, worked hard to get out of that cycle only to walk right back into it – I must be the world most stupidest woman) but I can’t lie, not even to myself, not anymore. I’m not blind anymore but I am scared. I don’t even know precisely what I’m scared of – I guess the threat of violence? – but I think mostly I’m scared that my kids will get a life like I had as a child. And that I simply will not allow. I’m done being a doormat. Now I have two questions I need to answer, maybe some can help with them, I know my priorities are my kids and that I’m should try to spend more time tending to my own emotional needs as well (my mental and emotional strength will be my only tool and defense), as best as I can around my husbands behaviour and controls, walk the tightrope a little bit I think lol.

      Okay well, first question then: Is it possible to live a happy(enough) life with my husband as he is or will leaving him be the only way to protect our kids?
      I’m 100% convinced that the man I love, and the father of my children, is an undiagnosed sociopath (he’ll never see a dr for testing btw). By his own admittance he can’t feel things the way others do, he often needs me to explain the emotional actions of others for him, etc. It’s never been in issue for us before really, cos I trusted him and thought he was pious and practicing muslim and that obeying is to obey God. So I let him control me, I never even leave the house without getting his verbal permission. I thought it was a normal part of our faith. Now I’m starting to realise that I’m stressed all the time cos of trying to please and appease him before anything else. He’s never been violent with me but I know he could if he wanted too.
      Thing is, I know he’s manipulative and abusive, but I don’t think he can help it, I think it’s just his norm. I think he legitimately thinks that love is control and that he’s being a good muslim. And if I did leave him, I’d be worried about the kids – I know he’d let me have custody of them, but it’d be a lot of stress and drama for me. If I can’t leave fully then I’ll not leave at all, better for the children that I’m there to directly tend to their needs and counter his quirks, then them being unsupported with him and me not knowing whats happening. My kids are my priority, even if that means risking his wrath or displeasure, rather it be aimed at me then them when I can’t help anyone. My husband will have no one if I leave him and the cycle will likely repeat with some oter woman down the line (he has (detail removed by Moderator) exs that I know off), and if I leave then my kids will be raised with one parent hating on the other all the time, which I know from childhood experiences can mess a kid up quickly.

      Second question: should I risk talking to someone?
      I have only got my husband whom I see at weekends cos he works out of town, my dad who only texts and lives in (detail removed by Moderator) (we’re not close), and one friend (who I’ve only been able to keep as a friend because my husband hopes she’ll marry him in time – polygamy is allowed in our religion). She has recently left an abusive relationship and come to the country. I’m due to see her (detail removed by Moderator) (agreed by hubs, where I’m meant to propose to her for him and then he hopes to see her later in the same week to talk to her himself) for a trip to (detail removed by Moderator) with our mutual kids. Hubs won’t be there and it will be an opportunity to maybe talk to her about things in my marriage, so I don’t feel so alone and so, if I need to leave him in the future, I have someone to talk too if it happens. But I’m also scared, I have to propose to her for him, I cant propose to her and complain about him at the same time. If I don’t propose he’ll know, and I think that if I complain to her about him, that he’ll know that also (he knows my moods and expressions better then anyone). But if I propose and she says yes, and they get together and his true nature comes out, then I’ll be responsible for her suffering and will loose my only friend. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure if I tell her about my husband and ask her not to mention it, that she will keep it to herself, but it’s so ingrained in me not to complain about him (both from him and our religion) that just thinking about it now makes me shaky. But maybe she wants him, maybe she wants to marry him, should i deter her if that’s the case just cos of my experiences with him – is that fair to anyone?
      If I do tell her, the anxiety will cripple me when I’m next to due talk to him or her, or when we go see her together (hubs and me) (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve not eaten yet today cos of the anxiety that comes from just writing this post, and I didn’t sleep last night cos of the stress of his texts. I can’t let this happen to my friend but I’m scared to do anything about it cos then my kids would be at risk… I’m very unsure how to proceed.

      I also think he knows that his control on me is slipping, he’s been pulling out all the guilt trip comments lately and accusing me of not loving him in an indirect way. I’m just trying to keep calm and not let him get to me, but also still be the obedient little wife he’s used too.

    • #48625
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi there and welcome to the forum,

      I’m very sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds so awful to be trapped with such a man and on top of that have to accept the polygamy, and also balance your fears about the danger your friend will be in if she also marries him.

      It’s a difficult situation because he is abusive so you need to put your and your children’s safety first. Ideally it sounds like you need a way to leave him fully and also warn your friend so she refuses the marriage proposal without him knowing you warned her – not much he can do if she refuses, and that way she is being protected from him too. I hate the thought of yet another woman getting trapped with one of these men, and if she married him and you left then you may also lose her friendship.

      Do you think you could confide your fears about your husband to your friend or do you think there’s a chance she may tell him? Sorry I’m not sure if I’m being too helpful.

      You don’t want to be putting yourself in danger if he found out you warned her so I would definitely give the helpline a call plus your local domestic abuse service. They have experience of helping women in all sorts of abusive situations and can help you put a plan of action into place of your next steps. If you can’t get through I think you can leave a message or email them and they get back to you during a safe time. Well done for posting and keep posting for support.

    • #48627
      faithandlove
      Participant

      I know, i hear myself talking am think ‘woman you cray, dump his rump and run like it’s hot’ but I just don’t want to leave him if I can help it. I know I will miss him and the kids will miss him, I know I’m strong enough to bare his dislike of me. But I swar he’s sick, it’s a mental health issue for him, I don’t think he can control homself. He himself told me that if I knew what was going on inside his head I’d run from him, and I think he might be right. I don’t know why I’m not running.
      He’s never outrightly rude or abusive, it’s also so subliminal and sneeky that sometimes I dont realise it’s happened deal days later. When I first met him he handeled my mums behaviour with such calm I felt so protected, I didn’t realised I jump from pan to fire.
      But because he’s so careful and so good at manipulating others, if I did leave him, we had kids, they’d get time with him. And I’d have to let them get manipulated by him when I can’t protect them or know what’s happened – I can’t just leave him cos kids will get stuck in the middle.

      you’re right abour my friend, I’ll have to find a way to talk to her – but have to do it without kids catching oncase they tell him. She’s excased abuse, she’ll know not to tell anyone, I can trust her – I hope. It’s scary to think about defying him. It’s difficult to process cos I love him so much, I don’t want to hurt him (silly I know, can’t technically hurt a sociopath I guess), but I can’t let others go through this either. Not fair on them. Maybe I’ll write her a letter? ask her to read it infront of me then bin it afterwards – I can’t lie to him so if I say anything with my mouth or phone he’ll know, he always knows. But he’s not greatly literate so a letter wouldn’t occur to him I guess. And I can put it in a public bin afterwards so tere is no evidence.
      Oh gosh no, now I do sound crazy, that’s too much surely.
      I’m no issue with polygamy when done right, it has many blessings, but just not with him – it wouldn’t be right. But I can’t help him find another wife, but if I tell him that he’ll say I’ve let the devil get in my head and will treat me like he’s treated his exs – things are mostly okay with us cos I don’t rock the boat when I can help it, anything outright would mean months of guilt trips and pityfests and stress.
      Oh I really paint him as the bad guy here don’t I? I think I’m just as much to blame as he is, I let him use me, I could have said no, I could stand up to him more. I am trying to be more stronger, he knows now that I have lines that if he crosses I’ll leave him. But I’m scared that knowledge will be used again me somewhere down the line, but I’ll have to deal with that if it comes. He’s not all bad, but it’s not as great as everyone else thinks it is.

    • #48636
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      It sounds like you are in the early stages of realising he is abusive, it is a very difficult stage and the tendency is to defend and forgive them and go back and forth into denial, that’s what I did. I also felt worried about hurting my ex, until I started to realise how he was actively enjoying hurting me and that if I stayed I risked my life. Whatever happens, he will be absolutely fine, it is you you need to start thinking about. Everyone deserves an abuse free life. It sounds like he is very controlling and as you say, manipulative so you have very little power over your own life.

      Definitely give the helpline a call, those ladies are amazing. I rang them when I was so confused and they helped me to gain clarity about my situation.

      There are many similarities between sociopaths and abusers, and I believe some but definitely not all abusers are socio/psychopaths, but whatever the case, these men are choosing to abuse so the behaviour is under their control, it is always deliberate, because it gives them power and control. If he is a sociopath, there is no way to have a healthy, safe relationship with one because they lack normal emotions, in particular, empathy and the ability to love. And if he is non-sociopathic regular domestic abuser, the answer is the same as sadly they never change and the abuse always escalates.

      There are some excellent resources you could read to help you gain clarity, if you google the Power and Control wheel and Cycle of Abuse, have a read and see if you can relate to it. Also look up Pat Cravens resources online and a great book called Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

    • #48641
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Thank you so much sunshine.
      It is early, I think I maybe knew for a long while but just wrote it off as men being emotional or butch, like his hints that he’d kill himself, his homicidal thoughts about his ex that make me not want to be on his ex list. But then I write it off as they made him like that but he’d never be like that with me. Onky now I’m not so sure. Today has been tough and it’s like when he talks I don’t know if he’s right (and it’s just the devil on my head twisting his words) or if him right and he’s trying too manipulate me. I agreed with him today for too he sake of peace, but I don’t trust him anymore. I told him that I’ve learnt too heat I can only trust God, that I can’t even trust myself currently but that I’m just gonna focus all things on God and let people make their choices.
      The kicker is if he changes my words or twists things that’s logic but if I do that’s the devil in my head. And if I try to pull a different example that’s me taking us off topic but when he does its related to the discussion. There is no reasoning with him at all and I don’t know eat to do.
      Does he really not see what he’s doing? Is he really just doing this to be mean, to have power over me, or does he actually think that what he’s doing is right and everyone else is wrong? It doesn’t make sense.
      I guess I’m gonna have to talk to my friend about it. I have to talk to someone cos I don’t understand what’s happening, I can’t tell whats right or not right know. I’m scared him wrong but I feel like I’m right and I have no idea what it will mean for my kids, they are my priority.

    • #48643
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hes going to destroy your mental health and your children will grow up thinking abuse is normal. I used to make excuses for my ex. How he had anger management problems but he only had them with me when the doors were closed and there were no witnesses. He managed to keep his temper at work or with everyone else. These men choose to abuse us and they dont change. Ring the helpline. I wasted decades with an abuser. Lost my mental health for years, nearly destroyed me. We lose our grip on reality. We live in an abusive world behind closed doors. Outside that door is where you can be happy and safe x

    • #48644
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi and welcome faithandlove to the Forum,

      Yes he really does see what he is doing. He gets a thrill out of seeing you in fear, upset, confused and with an unmanageable life. Then he feels in control of his life like he has one up on you. He has the behaviours and patterns similar to my abuser and most of the abusers that the ladies on here have to deal with. Keep posting about your confusion on here and keep reading the other posts on here as much as you can. Knowledge is Power.

      He knows what he is doing hurts you, puts you in fear and hurts his children but he doesn’t care. The most important thing is that he always feels he has the control and Power over others. If it wasn’t you he would be the same with someone else. He is the problem. He has an addiction. His addiction is to Power and Control. He gets a high from this and will stoop to any hurtful behaviours to get his buzz. He will never change. He has no need to. He gets what he wants this way.

    • #48646
      faithandlove
      Participant

      that’s the thing, he never looses his temper with me (or my kids, worse he does is shout at them to be quiet while he watches his shows – with me it’s all very diplomatic and discused as logic). I was abused as a kid, ostly through direct and indirect insults and neglect. I won’t let that happen to me kids, but I can’t just leave him (he says I can but really he means I can’t, he has been repeating to me today so much about how much choice I have, how he would never force someone to be with him if they didnt want to, etc. I dont know if this is manulupation or if I’m just all wtong.
      I’ll give the help line a ring, I’m not sure what it will do, but talking to someone verbally might help, make it more real. I feel like if I accept this, if I leave him, that it will just make things worse for my kids.
      I’ve seen how he talks baout his ex with his other kids, how he’s twisted them against him, I didn’t even realise until now, everything I thought was real is just not and I don’t know how to process any of this. If i leave him, I won’t get help from anyone cos i have no one and police are usless. I can’t relocate and I’d hae to give him visitation to the kids, by law. which means that eiter way the kids are screwed up by him. atleast if I stay with him then they can see that one of us cares for them more then themselves. I’m I right?

    • #48649
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Faithandlove,

      When we’re trapped with these men the thought of leaving always feels absolutely impossible, it’s another way they trap us. For example, he has banned you from having friends other than your one friend who is is interested in for himself. This has reduced your support and made you more dependent on him. However, there are many options for you and ways you can start a fresh, if this is your choice. I agree with the others that there is no future with an abuser, and life only gets worse with them the longer we stay. They often go through honeymoon periods where the abuse seems to have stopped, before it returns again, worse than before.

      He has conditioned you to think you can’t survive with out him, but you can in fact survive, and in fact thrive without him. He just doesn’t want you to know that because these men hate losing control of the women they are involved with.

      There are many local organisations, groups, helplines, forums like this one who can help and support you and your children to independence. It’s a step by step process. The helpline is a good place for you to get out all of the confusion that abuse creates. When I rang them, the thought of my ‘lovely boyfriend’ being a domestic abuser seemed like a joke, but talking to them helped make sense of my immense confusion. There is also local domestic abuse helplines if you can’t get through to the national one, and there is a search facility on this website for them you could try too. Plus of course this forum where you will meet many helpful and kind ladies who understand exactly what you are going through.

    • #48653
      faithandlove
      Participant

      What if I’m wrong? What if it is all in my head, I’m a very anxious person, been strugglng wit that for a while. What if I’m just projecting my fears onto him?

      I never felt like I was oppessed before, I knew he was controlling but I felt safe then, now after seeing how far he can go with a few oter things – I can’t tell if it’s really him or if it’s me.
      For example, my friends, he never said the words ‘you cant have friends’ he says things like ‘sure you can hang out with soinso but dont take the kids cos I dont want them nfulenced by someone like that’ or ‘I’mnot stopping you from having friends, I just dont want them to come between us or turn you head against me’ all his exs left (from his words) because others told tem too, he doesn’t blame them for leaving him but those who told them to leave him (which is kinda why I’m scared to tell anyone incase they get blamed if i leave him).

      (detail removed by moderator) All though the conversation I had with him earlier it was so one sided, all I had to agree or he had another proof or example, my ‘proofs’ were all apparently off topic somehow. I though for sure I was right about him.
      (detail removed by moderator) His text are syill a little passive agressive, all ‘if that’s oky with yo’ and ‘kids before me, go tend to them’ kind of things. Outwardly seems so inoccent and thoughtful, yet I’m tense and irritable and stressed. And so tired. But he’s not said anything that anyone else listening would find fault with, it’s only his women having issue with him.
      And then if I do acceot that this is real and if I do leave him (which he often tells me I can if i want too, along with how everyone else has) then I’d still be stick with his for months cos Islamically a clean and quick parting isn’t an option, you have to mediate (which he’ll agree to everything naturally as he agreed to my limits – by being sulky), then you make intention to part and live as normal as possible for 3 menstral cycles then if parting still wanted, then you part amicably. That would be months where I’d need to find an ability to cope with manipulation I’ve only just realised is there. And children islamically stay with the mother until old enough to not need her anymore, then go to the father unless he can’t provide for them. So I could loose my kids in the future.

      Also, is it wrong if I just let him control me – or is that me just being scared? Surely the anxiety would pass if I just accepted it, no? Maybe that would be better for the kids in the long term. And I cold teach the kids with love that control isn’t love. Would that really be so bad? I just don’t know. I’m just trying to figure out is A) I’m right about him and B) what is best for the children.

      I know that by western cultural norms, this isnt acceptable behaviour. But I’s really had to find advice of this nature from sahih islamic sources. I don’t want to make te wrong desicion and end up in hell cos of it.

      Thank you so much everyone, I know I must seem quite all over the place (probs cos I am – it’s all too much info to process right now), I am so glad I can let it out a lttle here. I just need o make sure I please him until I make a decision and that I make sure without doubt that my kids know that they are loved, no matter what happens. All of them, even my stepkid. Am I able to come on here and sound things out? My aim now is to try to sleep (not slept in days) and then see what tomorrow brings. Is it weird that all i want right now is a hug that I can relax into? sad isnt it, I dont think all this is in my head, but if its not in my head thats just a whole other can of worms. How cold i let this happen, i should know better. and having limits is normal I’m sure… Anyway rant over, gonna try and sleep. was thinking to rin the helpline but i’m just so tired right now. maybe tomorrow. Thanks again everyone and sorry for this.

    • #48658
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Faithandlove, slightly different in that I am western and my ex was Hindu, but ‘it’s my culture’ was his excuse for every kind of bad behaviour and abuse. It was his culture to always put me down. It was his culture to criticise my dress, my cooking, my social activities. He often said he would never stop me doing anything, but if I made plans say to meet my sister he would make my life very difficult until I dropped the plan or invited him too. It was all for my own good – he knew better than me what was good for me he told me. It wasn’t true. I left this summer and although I am still struggling I am no longer afraid all the time. I don’t cry every day. No one hits me. No one criticises my clothes, and gradually I am getting better. Reach out to the women at women’s aid. They will be able to help. And know that doing what is best for you will also be best for your children.

    • #48671
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Oh gosh I’m so confused today. Sometimes when I think of his actions (or rather inactions) I get scared and see manipulation and other times I seems inoccent and well meaning if a little controlling. But is that me with my western upbringing reveling against islam (estagfullah) or is it me rebelling against him.
      When he threaten suicide I told him that it went directly against Allah’s laws and I’d leave him if he did it so he didn’t do it. Maybe it was just a mistake of an emotional man? Or maybe it was a calculated attempt to emotionally blackmail someone.
      Some times he tells me how much he loves me and his other wives, seems so true and trustworthy, willing to do anything for people, then other times I feel like he’s pressuring me.
      I didn’t sleep a wink lastnight, my stomach was killing me. I’ve been very ill lately, unable to eat literally, I thought it was stress over my failings but maybe it’s just stress over him. I just can’t tell whats real or not.
      He’s never hit me, I tried getting assurance from him that he never would and he just kept avoiding the answer. I’m so confused. Is it me or him? Surely if it was me then he’d have given me a yes/no answer, but he didnt, he hinted that if he was pushed to he would. Then that’s hinting that I shouldn’t push him too isn’t it? I’m so confused

    • #48672
      Lightness
      Participant

      I know that you’re a strong woman. You said earlier that you feel you are strong enough to live with him – but honestly, I felt like that too. I am also a strong woman, but I had no idea how much damage the abuse was doing to me. You are showing physical and mental symptoms (anxiety) and it will get worse over time. For me, leaving was the best decision I’ve ever made. It has not been easy but I can now see the damage and that I would not have survived if I had stayed. Since I left I have been healing daily. I’m a better person with a better life, with better health and a future.
      It’s normal to feel confused – and that is how he wants you to feel. If you haven’t done so please call womens aid x

    • #48673
      Lightness
      Participant

      In terms of him hitting you – you are correct – he is not giving you assurance as it gives him power over you. He wants to keep you scared, stuck, compliant, his property.
      A healthy man would not do this. A healthy man would care for us and wouldn’t dream of hitting us or making us scared and confused. You are worth so much more
      X

    • #48676
      KIP.
      Participant

      Threatening suicide is a very common tool used by abusers. It’s a great way to control and manipulate you. Same with leaving you worried about him hitting you. Next time he threatens suicide dial 999 and get an ambulance out. See how quickly he changes when faced with hospital. Even contemplating being hit by anyone is not normal especially your husband. You’re living in a dysfunctional world that appears normal to you. That’s where all the confusion comes from and that’s where Women’s Aid are great. Keep trying the helpline x

    • #48685
      faithandlove
      Participant

      I’m with my friend now, I kept meaning to talk to her but I’ve not idea how to broach the subject. If I’m wrong then I’m thinking horrid things about a man that loves me and if I’m right then I’m missing an opportunity to maybe seek support. I just don’t know what to do. Everyone things he’s so amazing, I’ve encouraged that thought in the past cos then I thought he was, now I just sound crazy and emotional. Ya allah I’m even stuttering sometimes when I talk she must think I’m messed up in head smh

    • #48693
      Lightness
      Participant

      They do a great job of pretending to be amazing – he is not amazing.
      They do a great job of making us feel guilty – he is the one who is guilty.
      They do a great job of making us appear to be messed up – they are masters at making us feel confused and at breaking us down – bit by bit.

      You do have the opportunity to take back control. You have the right to live without fear.

      The helpline ladies are lovely. They will listen to you and help you.

      Lx

    • #48717
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Thank you everyone.
      I spoke to my friend, she’s gonna help me as I have no access to like money or such at home. I’m so scared (another night of no sleep) but i am strong enough to protect my kids and give them the life that they deserve. And me the life that I deserve too.

      I don’t know what will happen, which is scary, but it is a risk I have to take. For my kids, my self and my faith.

      I might have to post on here every now and then just to remind myself of what I’m doing and why. And I will call the helpline as soon as I can.

    • #48718
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Arggggg I can’t sleep. Everytime I try I have so many thoughts in my head. How am I going to keep my intention to leave from him until I do? What will he do if I do leave? How can I hurt him so by taking his kids from him? (even though I know he doesn’t care for his kids unless it suits him, it’s a likely thing he’ll say) how to I maintain contact with stepkid (who stays with their gran but sees him often)? How can I just leave him and not explain to his other kid? From their pic I’m steeling away their siblings. But if I go to their mum will she allow the kids to meet. What happens once I leave? How much debt will leaving put me unto? What are the base minimum things I must take with me as I’ll only have the pushchair. If I do to my friends house will he follow me there and cause her problems, will he bother my family even if they don’t know anything? How long can I go radio silent on him before I let him see his kids. How can I arrange supervised visitation without proof of abuse as its all emotional/psychological- he has had other women call police on him, would that be enough to keep my safe?

      And the guilt is crippling. I’m trying not to think about it. When i was talking to my friend today I was shaking and crying, somehow scared he would find out or could hear me. Bt talking to her I realised some of the things I’d seen happening in my home, the effect it has on my kids and their wellbeing. How did I let a man, selfish and controlling man, hurt my inoccent children like that? Why didn’t I protect them sooner? Why was I so obsessed with pleasing him and keeping a calm and happy home, of not triggering him, I saw him hit his ex and I did nothing, what does that make me? She must hate me, I don’t blame her, I should apologise. But I can’t not yet, got to get safe first.
      What happens when I leave, what will kids do, will social get involved, will they hurt us.
      How would I go about actually leaving? Would I wait and just leave on the right day and leave a note or send a text or soemthing… phone or face2face isn’t an option, too dangerous and traumatic for kids… I’ve promised myself (and friend) that if he hurts me or kids then I’m out the very same day, I really hope it doesn’t come to that as that is a scary thought.
      I feel so sick I’m so anxious and tense. I can’t relax at all and feel so worried. I’m so terrified of what the future holds for us now. I can’t stay, I see that now, there is no rationing with a man like him, I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner. It’s crazy.
      I feel like such a failure as a mother for not protecting my kids when he hurt them. They don’t deserve that. But I can’t wollow on it either, I wasn’t in my right mind and I failed my kids, but now I know better. But I’m scared that all this bravado will turn to dust if he starts shouting at me (and if he did he would do that rather then hit me- he knows hitting will make me angry but shouting will trigger my anxiety). And I’m scared he’ll catch onto my plan and stop me. Then when I do go I’m scared he’ll follow or that if I am abke to keep him at arms length for a while then in touch kids to him again, that he’ll cause issue then.

      I’m not so fussed about the religious side if things, I trust in allah, we weren’t married in a court and I don’t think he’ll give me a devorce if I ask for it, but I don’t have to deal with that right away. When I leave how long will it take for him to calm down and accept that I’m gone? He pushes and pushes at his other exs, even going to their homes and parking outside or nearby. Maybe he’ll never let me go conepletely, if so how do I maintain contact tween him and kids then, if it’s just gonna be more torture. I have no proof of his abuse to be able to get sole cusdody. And i won’t have money for a solicitor for a long while.
      I’m so sorry everyone for these rants and posts. I just don’t know what to do. Some monet I feel strong and set, others I feel weak and confused and sometimes I still think maybe it’s me and I’m blowing things out of proportion.
      Sorry again. And thank you everyone.

    • #48720
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re doing the right thing. Other women rang the police on him for a reason. You must do the same. You need to take important documents. Marriage cert, birth certificates, passports, bank statements, rent agreements etc. Your local women’s aid can help with re housing, refuge. Put you in touch with free legal advice. I know how terrifying it is but you just have to go and take that leap. Stay no contact with him. Access will be sorted further down the line if appropriate. Keep ringing the helpline number.

    • #48749
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Keep posting on here regularly and as much as you need. I was where you are now and it is a terrifying place to be in but its part of the process of leaving. You won’t feel like that forever, it will pass. Coming on here and reading the posts will help you move from the paralysing fear into guided action.

      Just for today as KIP says do the practical things. Gather all the documents she mentions, that’s a first step in your plan of leaving. Move them to your friend’s house for safe keeping. For today try to eat well, rest if you don’t sleep at night and drink plenty (self-care so important to stay strong to take on this action of leaving).

      Yes don’t let him know your plan to leave your abusive relationship. That is so important.

      Don’t worry about him and his hurt at you taking the children. He doesn’t feel hurt, love or empathy like we do. He feels only fury, jealousy and anger. He chose to abuse. He knew the children and you were hurt with his shouting and abusive behaviour and he didn’t care about the children’s hurt. He won’t be sad he’s lost you and the children. He’ll be sad he’s lost his emotional punch=bags. He’s an adult and he’ll have to deal with his feelings just like you do. Just keep the focus on you and your children.

      Don’t worry about step-kid, when you and children are sorted safely away from him there will be ways to make contact with your stepchild.

      Have your plan to leave but you don’t have to rush to do anything yet. Process your fears on here as you are doing. Get advice from Women’s Aid. good self-care. Leaving is a process. Get all your ducks in order. Find out all your options. Don’t let him know. Go through your possessions. Possessions are divided into clothes, books, paperwork, bits and pieces (keepsakes, ornaments etc) and photos. Get rid of any of these you don’t need so your possessions feel more manageable.

      You will get there. Don’t panic. Keep posting for support and taking the small, guided actions daily.

      You would never eat an elephant in one go but you would bit by bit. Its the same with leaving the abusive relationship. Step by step will get you there.

    • #48754
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Thanks again everyone.
      I’m currently in a state of restrained panic. He let me stay at my friends but she refused his proposal so now she’s on his black list of people I shouldn’t ‘waste my time on cos she’s ungrateful and some people can’t be trusted’ and then he surprised me by picking me up from hers (he wasn’t meant to come to the weekend) and has been passive agressively sulking since. He keeps telling me I’m leaving, that’s it’s just a matter of time, he’s angry cos I said I was too tired to sleep with him last night, he even said that when I leave he’ll likely not get to see his kids and such. How did he know? I’ve deleted everything from my phone/laptop before I close ot everyday. He’s so passive agressive that I’m getting a little scared, I’ve seen him hit his ex and push our kids just cos he’s in a bad mood, not sure what he’ll do now. His tone is sulky and sad but his expressions are anger and frightening.
      When he told me yesterday he was coming to pick us up the panic was so strong I nearly passed out. I can’t stay like this, my kids didn’t want to eat last night, my eldest wet the bed today. This stress is effecting them too. My friend went to the shop yesterday to get new clothes for us, especially the kids, as most of our clothe are old and mangy and such. She and I decided that as soon as he goes back to work then I’ll gather the things I need and go to hers.
      He is bring his step kid over today (perfect timing lol) they’re young teenager and I don’t know when we’ll get to see them again. I’m sure their mum will let the kids all meet up but I don’t know when I tell her or anything like that.
      He keeps going on about how I’ve chanhe’d and how I deserve better and how I think he’s rubbish (nothing I’ve ever said) and other things, I want to cry so bad but it like the tears won’t come. I’m so scared but my kids deserve better. What mother should have to say to their child ‘please be on your best behaviour as your dad is here today and we don’t want to make him angry’ that’s a horrid thing for me to have to say but it’s truth, it’s what I say everytime he’s here and I only just noticed and it’s true and scary.
      My friend rang the council for my house, they said that for a charge they can empty the place for me (if anyone sees me dumping things in one big go they’d tell him and he’d come over, and if I did bit by bit for a few months he’d notice that too so dropping and going is only option- he doesn’t offically live with me so he doesn’t have many belongings here, just his harddrive, letters and the furniture- I don’t want any of it. I’m not gonna take anything that isn’t mine. Only three things Ill take that he brought will be my phone, laptop and pushchair, I don’t want or need anything else, I’ll ask counsil yo let him into the house at some point for whatever he wants from it)
      I’m shaking, I feel faint, my kids are these too, we can’t carry on like this. He’ll be on best behaviour today as stepkid coming but not sure about this evening, or if he’s gonna stay tonight or what. I just don’t know much of anything right now. Only thing keeping me from a full blown panic attack is the knowledge that I have a friend willing to take me in as soon as I can get away.
      When we were with her and the kids slept so well, they played in the park so happily and calmly (until they heard their dad was coming) it was amazing to see them so relaxed and like actual children.

    • #48756
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Wow, you are doing so well despite the fearful situation. You are getting everything in order with a view to leave and not letting the fear he has instilled in you to stop you from getting away from him. He is choosing his actions and behaviours at the moment to keep you in fear in case you are thinking of leaving. He may have a hunch, he senses you are changing but don’t fear, carry on with your actions in your plan of leaving. The main thing is you are taking the action.

      When stepkid comes over today be really careful not to let relative know of your plans. No one who has any connection to him is safe to tell.

      Keep using the support of this Forum and your friend sounds like a great support.

      Take it one hour at a time. Its terrifying but its part of the process of getting away from an abusive relationship. Don’t let the fear/panic stop you. That’s why he has chosen to use those behaviours over the years to keep you in fear and stuck with him.

    • #48757
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re doing great. My ex used to ‘fish’ for answers. He would keep asking questions or making statements that he was unsure of and watching for a reaction from me. He won’t know that you’re leaving but he’s still not sure so he will fish. One thing to consider if you feel you could do it is to involve the police and have him removed from your property. If he has no legal right to be there you could inform the landlord. Change the locks and inform the police. Issue a letter through a solicitor. You do have options. You could even move to your friends whilst going through this process but you need to be able to follow through with police involvement. I had to do,that but at least my son and I got to stay in our home. Once he is gone, please don’t ever let him near you again. I took my ex back and it took a few weeks but I was punished badly for my behaviour. Finally broke free and there is lots of help out there. Contact your local women’s aid. They can help with refuge and housing etc.

    • #48759
      faithandlove
      Participant

      I don’t want to stay in this house anyway, I only moved here cos he made me. I have no friends or family close by, I’m miles away from anyone I know, only people around here are his friends and who he’s said every now and then he’s sends by to check on me. This house has been a prison to me and my kids since we moved in. Someone else can have it if they want it lol. My friend needs someone to help her with her kids whilst she’s gets back into the workforce, so we can help each other out, she left her abusive husband a couple months ago so she can relate and I think we’ll be good for each other. Then once I’m calmed down and such I can maybe try reaching out to other old friends and family I lost and seeing if they’re open to rehashing friendships.
      But my first priority after getting out and secure is to get my boys checked out by dr. Health wise they’re fine but my eldest is speech delayed and nweds support, I wasn’t allowed to ask for help for them. And they need to be able to socialise, too many imaginary friends and no real ones for my kids just now, but that can change with some freedom.
      Today, whenever he is gping on about stuff, guiltily me or whatever else (fishing?) I try to keep my expressions as normal, my words are as normal, but in my mind I’m imagining the things my kids have been denied that I’ll be able to give them once we’re out from under his thumb.

    • #48766
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I just wanted to say I think you’re doing brilliantly Faithandlove and to keep going. The way you are speaking to him is exactly right, just act normal and a bit ‘boring’ and it will keep him off the scent. And if he has no legal right with the property ie. he isn’t a tenant or part homeowner then he has no right to be there and can be removed by the police with the locks changed. Keep going and let us know how it goes, well done for staying strong and putting yourself and your children first, life is tough initially after you leave but will be so much better once you are free of the abuse and you can build a new life for you and your children.

    • #48771
      faithandlove
      Participant

      I’m just worried about my stepkid. I know that it’s not my responsibility to worry about them but I do. He’s already twisted them against their mother, by the time I’m able to make arrangements to get the kids access to them it’ll be to late and they might hate me too. Only thing I can do is pray that when they’re older they’ll understand. I know they won’t be surprised I leave their dad, but it’ll be me not telling them, me just leaving them that will hurt them the most. But I hope they will know with time why I acted as I did (will) and forgive me in time. But they are safe from psychical harm and I hope that their mum will realise that she has more options then she knows. I will always love them but someone has to protect my kids and all they have is me.

    • #48775
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Watching all the kids together, how nice he is while they’re here. It’s like, this is the man I fell in love with, the man I want. But watching him when they’re not in the room or when he thinks no one is watching him, it’s like a mask or something. I feel sick. Sick cos it’s gping to hurt his other kid so much, and non of this is their fault, they’ve been talking with their dad about what they want to do next visit, sleepover and such.
      My kids have been really funny today, so tense compared to yesterday with my friend. They’re having fun with their sibling but not going to their dad for much, crying over little things that wouldn’t normally bother them, clingy. My eldest keeps trying to say things to his dad to kinda of impress him, he keeps asking if everyone loves him and such. It’s heartbreaking. I feel terrible, on the verge or tears every few minutes. I can wat for this to be over but I also don’t want to be alone with him either and him go back to how sulky and passive agressive (dark is the best word to discribe his behaviour today with me). I just pray he goes back to work soon so I can prep. The sooner I’m able to go the better.

    • #48812
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Well, after a hellishly tense weekend, he was meant to go work today but he had been testing me all weekend and I tried to act like normal but he wasn’t buying it and he got aggressive (passively so, everything from tears to anger to threats, to tears again, to accussing me of hurting him, to false repentance, to declarations of love and guilt trips, twisting my faith against me, etc.) – I swear it was almost like he was having fun, I could see it in his eyes, made me so sick to my stomache that I couldn’t stay there anymore. once he was gone I sneaked out the back and we’re safely at my friends now. My eldest is so happy it’s heart breaking. I feel like I’m numb, not sure what’s going to happen, I’ll find out soon I guess I just pray that we’re safe here, that he doesn’t follow us once he realises that we’re not there…
      My friend is amazing, I only told her a couple days ago but she spent the weekend prepping for us and now my kids have clean, new non tattered clothes, she even got me clothes bless her. And as she’s been through this herself, she knows all the things we need to do tomorrow and this week. I’m not sure what will happen in the long run but I know I will be strong enough to protect my kids and my faith.

    • #48824
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      He sounds exactly like my ex sounded the night I left too Faithandlove, it’s like they know their grip is losening so they try on all their different masks in the hope of finding one that works. The rapid cycling of the masks is eerie to see and makes you realise how they have manipulated you the whole time throughout the relationship and that there is something scarily wrong with them. Very well done for getting out, it’s an incredibly difficult step. When we first leave we are at our most vulnerable of them trying to hurt us and/or trying to get us back. They call it ‘hoovering’ when they harass you after you’ve left to try to get you to return, my ex did it for months and I had to get the police involved for him to stop because it was a form of harassment.

      Be wary of what he will try next. Have you contacted the police? Put your safety first. Do not let him in the house if he turns up and call the police if he does. Ring the helpline for advice too. The most important thing after safety is going full 100% no contact, that way he cannot further manipulate you. Good luck, keep going and keep posting.

    • #48825
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Faithandlove, I can’t believe how well you are doing. I am so impressed by your strength. You will be in my prayers as you go through the next stages. Write in the forum as often as you need as you work through the aftermath. The ladies on here have been a lifeline to me as they all understand what we are going through.

    • #48893
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Hi everyone. Leaving was so emotionally hard but so physically easy- the taxi and trains were all perfectly timed that I hardly had to worry. I cut and tossed my sim first chance I could and just got a new sim and number today.
      My littlest child was I’ll same day and we ended up calling ambulance for him and ended up in hospital. I told them wed run that day from abuse (incase it effect his health) and so they had to inform social. But our local council (where I’m now living) had a DV team that came to visit me. We talked for a while and I’ve got a support worker, she’s gonna give me some panic alarms and such and other info. And she’s arranging counselling for kids and me.
      I had social from the town I left ring me today to ‘check on us’ and such. Was a scary conversation but cos I have the DV caseworker she said she wasn’t worried and asked if she could communicate with her. I also offered to be contacted for future check ups so as to ease their worry some. I was so releived afterwards cos social is always scary. She said she doesn’t think I need social, but I’ve got her number in case
      I’m not sure what’s going to happen, plans seem to be forming around me and I feel like I’m on auto pilot or something. Not numb persay, very anxious (checking for his car before I turn corners and such) but also a little hopeful I guess, I’m not sure. Whoch is why I want counselling, to help process and move on for my kids sake.
      It’s super weird. Everyone keeps telling me how brave I’m being, how strong and confident I seem, etc. (The ‘your such a good mum’ comments are very helpful for my ego lol) but truth is I feel like I’m holding onto my sensibilities by an invisible thread, if it wasn’t for the kids I’d be a mess. Not cos I want to go back, I feel dont, but cos I’m so scared and unsure of the future.
      I’ve started just trying to get through one day at a time, every morning I’m writing a little to do list for that day, I’m helping my friend with housework and such to keep busy, sorting things out one phone call or shopping trip at a time. It’s all a little overwhelming but needs must. I have a little notebook I keep in my bag with the to do list in it, phone contacts (everyone in my friends family gave me their numbers to call if he should come by lol- but police will deffo be first call if needed). But I also started a little list today, when out shopping with friend, with is a ‘things to look forward to’ list, with everything from stress free shopping to dying my hair to getting my boy a doll he wasn’t allowed before. Just to give me a little boost when stressed or anxious. It might seem a little odd but I think it might help.
      No idea what the future will bring just yet, but i am sure it will be better then what’s passed. I’ve gotta cling to that thought else I’d give up
      I’m shattered though, not slept much still, every bang outside or closing of a car door or knock on out door gives me a mini panic attack. But it will get easier. And eventually I’ll get my own place, next year maybe, and have a safe haven for me and kids to call my own.
      My friend added me to her tenency when I was in hospital though so I offically have a home but I do want my own place eventually. I’ll never be able to 100% relax here cos he might think to check here (unlikely but not impossible). But my kids feel safe here and are happy which is why I’m staying here.

    • #48895
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      This is wonderful new Faithandlove, very well done for going ahead with what must have been a very scary prospect. You’re right to take it one day at a time, that is the best way as otherwise it becomes overwhelming. You sound like such a resilient, resourceful and capable woman arranging a new place to stay and getting all the support in place, I love that you are buying your boy a doll too, such a nice idea. Remember to reward yourself too. Well done and keep going, and if he tries to get in touch, whatever he says, however sorry he sounds, keep the response 100% no contact to keep yourself stay safe and allow yourself to heal. xx

    • #48936
      faithandlove
      Participant

      Thanks everyone. I’m still a tense ball of nerves but I think today was a good day. I managed to talk to ex landlord about ending tenency and they agreed to do the paperwork side through my DV support worker. I took my kids somewhere they’ve always wanted to go and it was a bargain to boot. Even managed to visit a shop the town over before anxiety sent me scurrying back home again. Felt like a big feat for me cos my friend was at work today so it was just me and kids. I’ve also gotten a sorta part time (detail removed by Moderator) job from my friend so I can start saving some pennies up. And my DV support worker popped by to drop off some panic alarms and door alarms. She said she was impressed with our home safety (doorsvlocked, keys not directly by door that kinda thing) and that my kids seemed to be doing well, my middle child was all smiles today thank god.
      Only hick up was that the social services in my new town want to visit and such, which I did expect but they seemed so rude and unclear about their purpose on the phone that it scared me. My friend actually rung them back to complain and my DV support worker visited their head office to update them about my compitency as a mother, care plan and security plans and such. She assured me that it’s just routine but also that it’s okay to be nervous. My friend said she’d be with me when social visit for moral support (and to make sure I’m not bullied into anything) which helps. I’m sure it will work put for the best.
      I keep trying to keep myself busy else I find myself thinking about how I might have hurt him and how I’d feel in his shoes (which is illogical as his shoes don’t have normal feelings anyway, all he cares about is loosing his control/power over us). Which then sets me off on an emotional spiral lol. So keeping busy is best. I must say it’s so nice not to be attached to my phone anymore. It feels lighter somehow lol. Silly as that might sound.
      My support worker said the socials biggest concern is if I might return to him, they just want to be able to protect the kids (and me she said but mostly the kids) if I did. The idea of returning to him is so unimaginable to me, I don’t hate him but I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. That’ll always keep me from returning to him.
      Do you all think he might just let us go? Or will I always have to keep looking over my shoulder incase he drives by?

    • #48938
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done. You sound like you’re doing great. Your kids are lucky to have you. Unfortunately these men don’t seem to give up so easily. I think they are addicted to the buzz they get from abusing us. Given time your anxiety levels drop and you learn to live with him as a bad smell in the back ground. As long as you are taking the advice of the professionals, that should keep you safe. Also, once he knows it’s not just you he’s dealing with but trained people who he can’t bully, they seem to keep a low profile. If he gets the message and no reaction from you hopefully he might just move on sadly to his next victim x

    • #48953
      Grateful
      Participant

      I’ve just read all these post whilst on public transport and probably appear quite mad as I’m crying and sniffing; I’m so delighted and impressed that you you got out!
      You have been incredibly strong.
      All the best for a better life without abuse.

    • #48974
      faithandlove
      Participant

      I hope he does give up. For some reason today my anxiety was really bad, I dislike how fair away the nursery is, it’s rediculous, but the nursery itself is very secure and my friends kids go there.
      My feet are killing me cos I’m not used to walking so much everyday, used to only go out once a week for shopping (2hr trip) and now I’m walking everywhere and I don’t mind but it’s just another tiny thing to add to my list of sighs lol. Hopefully when I learn to drive it will be easier.
      But my anxiety got bad today and I ended up using taxis and buses to and fro nursery. Cost way too much and could kick myself now, but least everyone got there and home safely.
      I’m starting to have ideas or hopes for the future, not sure what I’ll actually do kind. My eldest was naughty today and screamed when I put him in time out. We ended up having a chat about how time out is a safe place and no one is going to hurt him there and he said “daddy won’t hurt me anymore when me naughty?” Broke my heart poor lad. Even this morning he was asking if his dad knew where we were if we had to go back or if we could stay. He told me he doesn’t want to go back to our home cos “daddy can visit us there but cant visit us here”
      I’ve always tried to keep talk about his dad to a minimum but he noticed most of it all himself anyway.

    • #49042
      faithandlove
      Participant

      So, another day down and it’s weekend now. I let (detail removed by Moderator) days ago but it feels so much longer then that now. So much has happened. Got my kids some new toys yesterday, sorted bank out, sorted post and old tenacy. Had a visit from a social worker (I think it went well, she wasn’t very clear, hoping it’ll be a case of her being happy to let me be) and got a very friendly and supportive DA support worker.
      My ex rang my friend a couple days ago (I didn’t know he had her number) and she blocked him. I know she meant well but by doing that she basically just told him where I am 🙁 which is concerning. She wants to take my kids out with gers today so that I can get some rest but now I’m too scared to let them out of my sight cos she won’t be as careful to watch who or what is around her as I am. I think that she sees him just like a typical bully type abuser, but he’s so much worse then that. He’s slow and pacient and calculated and always gets his way eventually. I won’t be able to stay here much longer. Which is sad cos my kids like it here. Got them signed up to join a nursery and trying to arrange counselling too. Seems unfair to put them in onky to take them out again.
      Then there is my aunt, lives in (detail removed by Moderator), has invited me and kids to visit for a couple months in the (detail removed by Moderator). She wants for us to see if we like the place and if we do she’ll let us use her house rent free and help me find work there. I told my support worker and she agreed with me that’s it’s an amazing opportunity and that it would give my kids extra protection and I’d not have to keep looking over my shoulder all the time. My friend doesn’t like the idea though, she keeps telling me I don’t need to run but I think I do, atleast for a little while (until my kids are adults and don’t need me to protect them anymore). It’s such a great opportunity. My caseworker and social worker said I’m able to travel with kids without his permission and if I try to stay there and he kicks up a fuss, I’ve still got the upper hand cos it’ll be harder for him to get the kids if they’re in a country where abusive people aren’t welcomed. Seems almost too perfect and I’m a little scared but I think it’s the best option for us.
      My aunt tells me it’s not a perfect option, the first few years will be tough she said, cos I’ll not be abke to work full time and will need to do odd jobs to make ends met. Also the house needs alot of work to get it upto modern standards. But she’s even willing to pay for our flights and such so seems like an amazing opportunity. She said her only catch is that if I ever get back which him (lots of people seem worried about this but I won’t – my eldest kid said to me ‘it’s so nice not to be beaten up anymore’!) Then I loose the rent free house. Easy trade to me lol.
      I’m also struggling with my feet this week. I’ve gone from being inside all the time and barely being on my feet for more then an hour or two at a time, to being out most days and walking everywhere and even when home often on my feet in the house (keeping myself busy keeps my mind off things) but now my feet are swollen, red and sore and hard to walk on. Is it something I’ll just adapt too or cos of my weight? I don’t know, will ask Dr when I can finally sort that out. I was hoping itd just get better with habit but hard to tell currently.
      Kids are doing great though, I love seeing them so happy, eating well and praying well. Talking more and sleeping better (they slept from 8pm to 5am last night without waking! First time in years), they’re loving having easy access to toys and books and not having to hide things. My youngest is pushing some boundries but to me that just shows how much calmer and safer they feel. They keep me strong. And I try to go out everyday, my natural instinct is to stay inside and away from doors and windows lol but that’s not good for kids, so I often do my friends nursery run with my kids in tow. So 5 kids in total and it’s a huge stress lol. But kids love it.

    • #49166
      faithandlove
      Participant

      It feels like so much time since I left but really it’s not been long. I’ve made plans to see a family member next week, the kids are sleeping through the night, my eldest is still having nightmares but not as bad. My middle child is getting very agressive, been hitting and pushing alot, but I’m sure it’ll pass with love and reminders (and calm time out time) and they are both seeming to be more relaxed and settled. I’m still a nervous mess but I try not to let it show cos it’s not fair on the kids. I have started a diary, cos throughout the day I’ll have little flashbacks that make me sick or make me cry, and so I’ve started writing a diary of sorts, only it’s more like lots of little letters to my kids. In my minds eye it’s something I can give to them when theyre adults so that they can see why I’ve done what I’ve done for them and maybe help them to understand why I left their dad, what I’m trying to protect them from, but even if they never read it it’s still a way for me to try and compartmentalise everything that happened.
      My friend was in tears the other day when my eldest was taking ages with lunch and I had to explain that he was worried he’d not get dinner cos two meals a day was our norm before, he ate well after I promised hum he’d get more food later whenever he wanted it. My friend was deviated. She wants me to press charges but I cant, not only cos I don’t have proof but cos everything he did I did, yes I was manipulated by him hut he never psychically did much (except disapline the children), plus pressing charges would involve having to talk to him and see him, something that sickens me and repulses me. I don’t want to see him cos if I do I know I’ll break down, I’ll not be able to talk or think or anything. He’s had control over me for so long that just looking at him will break me inside. Does that make sense? It’s his absence now that is letting me be strong for my kids, if he comes here or if I see him, I’ll panic and that scares me more then the thoight of what he’d do.
      My sister was asking me the other day when I think I’d be ready to start dating again. I felt sick. I’ll never be able to do that cos religiously I’m still married to the man and to get a religious devorce I’d have to talk to him, not something I want to or feel able to do. So I’ll have to stay married to him until kids are old enough that he doesn’t care about me anymore. Which is sad cos I always wanted more kids, but my kids are amazing and worth any hardship a million times over.

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