an old email

[Swan123]

So I find two old emails – don’t know why that popped into my mind to go and search it out…perhaps the same triggered feelings of desperation, as I felt then, I’m feeling now. Perhaps why I’m sitting here typing to you in here… The old email was one I had sent to Samaritans in (detail removed by moderator)…I’m talking then as I did now. NOTHING HAS CHANGED… It makes me weep with such sadness. How have I just gone along with this? I feel compliant even though I know this isn’t on me…

(Detail removed by moderator) I brought the bins in from the front to the back following collection, and all morning he’s been exclaiming (detail removed by moderator)…it always begins with low level taunts. I wish he’d be quiet, and be appreciative that I saved him a job, like ‘normal’ people would.

I’m upset today, thinking I have an extra hour of sh*t, not sleep to endure.

[KIP.]

Hi, maybe this will be your lightbulb moment. The moment when you imagine yourself in very old age, even more vulnerable and reliant on him. It was that image that helped me take step. The thought of being old and vulnerable to him. I watched his mother go through it with his father and it was appalling. Complete strangers treated her better than her own family did. In fact complete stranger treated me better than my ex. Had more concern for my wellbeing. Lockdown has opened many eyes to abuse. Nowhere to hide. No distractions for him, just constant abuse. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid?

[Swan123]

I hope indeed that it is my lightbulb moment @kip. I keep having lightbulb moments, but the light keeps fading when he shows a monent of decency. Then again the realisation dawns on me that I live with an abuser, not my significant other, not my partner or my husband, or a ‘best friend’, but an abuser…and it’s a bitter pill I have been swallowing for such a long time, I wasn’t aware I was swallowing it at all. I will contact women’s aid locally. The feeling keeps waving over me that ‘it’s not that bad’ – he hasn’t hurt you lately, it’s all just verbal and emotional, not like some other women have to endure. This is the fog.

[gettingtired]

Hi Swan123, you describe it so perfectly. The light keeps fading for me too once he is back to being kind and loving. I recently found old messages from (detail removed by moderator) months ago I had sent to an old work friend I’d opened up to (she stopped talking to me eventually) and I’d forgotten how unhappy and helpless I felt then. I’m the same minimising the abuse that it isnt that bad compared to others etc. Hope you and I find the strength eventually to leave x

[KIP.]

Yes it is the fog. Remember the very first time he abused you, he gave you permission to walk away. That one time is enough 💕

[Cecile]

He knows more about you than you know about yourself. he knows how to push your buttons, manipulate you, how far he can go and that he has trained you not to retaliate. If this sentence that I have written makes you uncomfortable or irritated or angry, then good, because it is getting sore spots. We lose all sense of ourselves and tamp down our needs and thoughts to avoid conflict and harm and they hone this over time. Many years ago a sibling told me that my ex had ‘seen me coming’. that he had manipulated me from the outset to take advantage of me. I was bewildered and didn’t agree with this, thought I was clued up and street wise. She stopped talking to me and I miss her so much, but now with hindsight, and time away from him, and distance from him, I see what she meant.These men always always know exactly what they are doing, they can be fine tuned to the feelings of partners and use this to abuse. be your own mother and your own best friend and get away from him.

[Swan123]

Thank you so much ladies. This has kept me in reality today. I will contact locally so I feel supported there too. I’m exhausted from feeling all this anxiety.

Be well my friends. Thank you for your support 💕

[Author]

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