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That’s what i feel all the time.
Tonight luckily enough a friend called me after texting me to see how i was. I was glad to divert my attention onto her own problems (she is also in an abusive relationship). We chatted for a long time and this gave me the distraction i needed so desperately.
At times i cannot control my feelings, they eat me alive. They are due to the realisation of what i have experienced for decades. I usually feed on motivational videos to keep an upbeat spirit, but at times i feel triggered by my husband and it’s like a drop making the vase overflow and whoosh the anger flares up!
I want to cry but i cannot cry. My friend said with humour i have dried up! We were agreeing that people who haven’t experienced domestic abuse cannot possibly understand how it makes you feel. I am so glad i met her a few months ago. I help her and she helps me.
But despite keeping myself busy, upbeat and focused, i loose control now and again. I could easily lash out at my husband. I hate him. I have realised that in the whole of my life i have never experienced true love other than the love i feel for my children.
Another friend of mine who used to be a counsellor asked me to look at self sabotage. I already have a few months ago. I am still stuck in the same position. I left him x times, but i came back. And i hate him so much.
Are we allowed to speak about hatred?…i experienced and feel the opposite of love. I want to feel nothing for him, absolutely nothing, especially anger.
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hey hun
yes u can express anger,its cause u can see what he did that u have this anger, i think towards the end b4 i left i hated my ex so much , hadnt realise u went back to him, maybe its learning how to process the anger , not sure how to advise u as i had to leave my ex and stay away to process mine, (detail removed by moderator) years later im still fighting to divorce him and processing my feelings. for me counselling helped me loads , have u considered counselling , attending freedom course.
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It is important to own up to your feelings.
Suppressing what you feel is more damaging in the long run.
I can imagine that you hate him with all your heart and wish …It is your truth.
Do you want to live with a person you hate or rather be on your own?What are your limiting beliefs and why?
What do you want for yourself?It takes years to find a way out of this labyrinth.
Take your time.
When you know it do what is best for you and only you. -
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