27th March 2021 at 9:52 pm #123887fizzylemParticipant
I’m out now, its been years, but he’s only just walked away for good, from me and my child, after years of hell; it actually got much worse after I threw him out; the abuse, the threats and the harassment.
So, we’re here, he’s gone, we’re free, great right? But I find myself now feeling so angry it feels like I will implode. I think it’s because for years I have always been dealing with the ‘next’, and now there is no ‘next’, now we’re at the end of it, it’s more I’m mad as hell about the whole dam lot of it.
Yes eventually I was able to get an injunction and he’s not going to cause us hell anymore, but other than this he got away with it, all of it really – completely. All that hell he caused for over a decade.
My child has suffered and will need therapy over the coming years. He’s lost her yes, as she walked away as soon as she was old enough to do this; but it hurts like hell how he’s treated her and what this has done to her, because children turn it in on themselves don;t they, it’s me, I’m not worthy, feel rubbish about themselves, others and the world; become self loathing, angry, with little self esteem; which prevents her from reaching her potential and having the best life possible. It breaks my heart that she can not see this is his voice, his doing, that she is truly beautiful and do whatever she puts her mind to – if she chose this.
The smear campaign he has run is ridiculous, I have been blamed for everything, it astounds me that the people around him have bought into these lies but they have. Can’t do a thing about that, but at times this angers me, as they’re colluding right? Enablers.
He’s such a scumbag and manipulative liar; no conscience or decency whatsoever; no sense of personal responsibilty – you know one just like him I’m sure.
It’s taken me (detail removed by moderator) to get here – from the begining to the end; it’s just so dam hard for women to walk away when they are expected to somehow co parent with these men. I’ve also had to face some of the professionals taking him seriously, when he’s told them lies, and some professionals seeing me as malicious for complaining – there are still double standards in this country for men and women and this absolutely stinks; when I tried rasing his motives these were dimissed yet my reasons for complaining were questioned at times – wth? I got this straightened out and corrected eventually, but really, I should not have been put in this position when asking help – it only adds to the stress and distress. So I’m mad about this and for all women having to go through this rubbish.
I’m mad my daughter has suffered and that no one saw this as important enough; I’m mad that these men get the legal right to abuse their children because they fathers; I’m mad with the courts; Cafcass, what a joke this service is; the solicitors; the law. At the lies he told; I really do not understand how anyone can treat another person this way – the mother of your own child, the person you once shared a life with. I’m even mad with my friends just now because it spills out into everything doesn’t it, the smallest thing can set me off because it’s always just under the surface; and with myself, for ever having let this man in in the first place. I could never have known one person could cause so much damage and take so long to get away from back then, rob so much life, cause so much pain and anguish, so I’m mad with the systems in place that have all enabling him to do as he pleased, that let us all down on a regular basis. I’m so mad I don’t want to be around anyone. I switch between mad as hell, tears and depression; unable to do a thing for days, body aching all over – not wanting be here anymore – then back to mad as hell again.
I was consumed by anger some years ago now after he took me to court under false allegations, which I eventually got help for in an unlikely place, the local, compassionate (detail removed by moderator) of all people. I really don’t want to go back there again but can see I’m heading this way. It’s unbareable. I was so angry last time I couldn’t speak and it made me ill, for a long time. I’ve contacted the NHS for counselling but not heard back – so now I’m mad with them as well.
My question is, what helps? What helped you with the anger you felt? How do you let go of all the wrongs you were given? How do you find the resolve we need to live life? FL.x
27th March 2021 at 10:03 pm #123888WaterspriteParticipant
I’m not really sure – injustice is the absolute worst especially when it affects our children. All I can say is I hear your anger. It’s purpose is energy to propel change. Your posts are always so thoughtful and authentic. Nothing can put our situations right. It is not a level playing field. Keep going. You and your children deserve that. He thinks he wins – he doesn’t and he won’t. There is always hope and he has lost the gold – you and his child. Nothing compares – the fact that he doesn’t see that says it all x*x
27th March 2021 at 10:10 pm #123890HawthornParticipant
Oh fizzylem, I hear you. The system is a joke and rigged against us in so many ways. The injustice of it, I used to wake up fizzing with rage. Alive with it. Every bit of me seething. So much he took from me, so many years, and what hurt most to lose was my innocent naivety that everyone was good underneath and that there was justice for those in the right. That the baddies would get their just desserts. Sadly that’s rarely the case. Winning is taking back control of our own lives. Your abuser lost because he lost control of you and your child. He loses because he is bitter and shallow and incapable of a deep emotional connection with another person. I know that feels a hollow victory just now and is probably not very helpful but acceptance and peace will come with time. In many ways it is only now you are truly free and there is so much to process.
Let the anger course through you, you need to let it out of your body. Dig the garden, smash old plates, get in your car and turn the music up loud and scream. Theres lots of energy and power in anger but it destroys the vessel that holds it, so let it out. Write out all the things that you’re angry about and burn the pages. Let yourself feel it and it will pass. You have overcome so much, you know you can do this, you are free, you can do anything. Sending a big hug xx
28th March 2021 at 2:20 am #123893SleepypigeonParticipant
Anger can be both positive and negative. It has helped me get through some days recently when I miss him, not him but the illusion of the relationship, it has propelled me to move forward, forced me to see the reality of him for what he was. Make sure u direct this anger at the right person, your ex, its him who has caused all this. It is all so unjust that we have to fight everyday to survive, to be heard, to cope. The anger can eat you up if you let it. Iv become a master of putting things in boxes, my feeling, the hurt, until I can take time to unpack them one at a time. For now my anger keeps me focused on surviving day to day. But not letting it cloud the positives, I’m free, that should be celebrated, as you should to. My child is also affected and continues to be, but im trying to replace that anger with extra love for my child, to help my child through this and be there. Dont get me wrong its so hard, I want to shout and scream I want him to have a horrible accident, yes we shouldn’t say that out loud but after everything and as a mother I want to protect my child. I have to fight everyday to direct the anger away from me, for bringing another man exactly the same into my child’s life. I didn’t make a bad choice, I was sold a dream that turned into a nightmare of the worse kind. So yes I’m angry to. So angry I could burst. But I don’t, because then he wins, they all do. Surviving is winning. Even on my dark days I fight to survive, and I will no matter how difficult, they won’t win. Keep fighting, your not alone in your battle. Sending hugs x
28th March 2021 at 12:25 pm #123899DarcyParticipant
Hi my beautiful Angel… Fizzylem,
I absolutely hear your anger and frustration and the whole injustice of the situation ( and many other women’s situation like it, including my own )
You have every right to feel these feelings…
However … (and here’s where I am going to get all peace and love on you!)
These feelings will not serve you in the long term, they will only keep you as his victim.
You need to have the feelings to heal them, punch a pillow, scream, journal what a **** he was etc … do it all. Set yourself aside 15 minutes a day for a week or 2 weeks or a month and do this but then be done with it for the day.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.””
This quote is so true.
You have to feel to heal but then you have to start to look at yourself and unravel the lesson. This experience will make you a better stronger person if you look past the anger. Do not let it eat you up inside and become bitter and twisted, do not allow this to be your story and do not stay his victim.
There is strength and power to be taken from what you went through and whatever he does and tells people now is none of your business, a power greater than you will sort that, so hand it over … karma knows everyone’s address!
I could go on about this all day, its a big subject!! And it doesn’t happen over night, but with work and wanting to change you will get through this.
Sending you love and support
29th March 2021 at 12:03 am #123933fizzylemParticipant
Thank you to you all for your kind and thoughtful replies. Much appreciated. I know I will get past this, I need to process it and get to the otherside. Have felt for years when will it ever end; and now I’m here. Just need to get past this blockage, unravel it, spend some time with it, feel it all, take some dam meaning from it all, find the resolves I need, then I think we’ll be truly free to live life. What I need to do is express it with another, someone who understands, someone who can ask me the right questions to help with this, give me what I need, to help me over the finishing line – then I’m never looking back x
29th March 2021 at 12:17 pm #123951DarcyParticipant
We are all here for you and understand the journey you have been on.
Remember it is a journey and there will be bumps along the way, don’t be to hard on yourself… the best thing is to equip yourself with the right tools so if anymore bumps come up you can smooth them out quicker and calmer than before xx
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