27th April 2018 at 5:10 pm #57653
I was always so worried about pleasing and appeasing my family growing up.
I would do the housework and gardening for my mum ( my father was only there at weekends ) and would try to placate everyone all the time. My two sisters never got on, and when my dad left my mum, she leaned heavily on my emotionally.
She’s always said that was the closest to my dad. However, I was the child he chose to hit. I think it was just that I tried the hardest with him. My counsellor many years later said that I was the one who was hit, because I was the one he knew would take it ( I wasn’t badly behaved).
This is where it gets confusing and hurtful. Despite always trying to be there for my family, when things reached crisis point with me, my mother and sister are we’re unkind for no good reason, kicking my when I was most down. My father ( weirdly) has been more supportive. He may be influenced by his second wife, who I think is very nice. She has been very kind to me.
My other sister- who my mum and elder sister see as a problem ( she can be very harsh with her tongue when angry) was also very supportive to me. However, she has since been a bit snappy, and I don’t like how she speaks to her children.
My mother is always commenting negatively about things, trying to fish for evidence that I am not coping ( I am: when left alone, I can cope with my two kids fine). My elder sister is like this too, judging and trying to take over. Thank goodness she isn’t local.
Thing is, none of my family have ever apologised for hot they’ve treated me. I’ve racked my brains, but I don’t see anything that means that I deserved any of their treatment. I have realised that each of them, in turn, has mistreated mr because they think they can. That is all.
Thing is, I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t even feel like being in touch with any of them. No one would ever believe it, as I always tried so hard with my family, but I seriously think I could emigrate happily and never see any of them again.
I feel angry at how they have each, in turn, mistreated me. I am running on empty with them. I gave nothing more to give any of them.
Yet they won’t leave my alone. Each of them trying to be in regular contact, avoiding the elephant in the room ( how unkind they’ve been at times) and exkd ting me to just play along in this fake dance.
To be honest, it hurts me more deeply that my mother and sisters have subjected my to emotional and mental abuse over the years than my dad hitting me. I think I have mostly forgiven him. I haven’t forgiven the others- because they are still controlling, bossy and see themselves as blameless in life. At least I sense that my dad feels some remorse, and he’s kind of made up for things.
It is my birthday soon, and my sister who lives a way away has invited herself and is coming up, and is trying to get my to go with her to an event which J gave no interest in. She doesn’t take no for an answer, trying to make out I am a killjoy if I say no.
I am overwhelmed with anger this week towards my family, more than I have ever experienced before. Not just because they treated my badly, but I feel sick at how self-cinfhdent they all aware whilst at the same time not treating people well.I hate the fact they don’t seem to have a conscience.
I am feeling really triggered by the thought of my sister visiting ( she is staying at my mum’s, not my house). My other sister won’t be coming along, as they’ve fallen out. I feel like telling them all to grow up. They are forever pointing the finger, yet don’t see their own faults. And in all this, it’s their children who suffer.
Sorry for the rant. I feel quite overwhelmed.
28th April 2018 at 9:16 am #57682freedomtochooseParticipant
One thing I have been told about anger, is that it is sometimes an energy which keeps you going in tough times.
As long as you are not hurting anyone with it, that is.
I think it is a really difficult thing with birth families. I would say now that mine was effectively destroyed as a result of my ex’s actions and manipulations. Some members of my birth family I thought I had loved for years, believed everything he said and we haven’t been able to see them for years, as
they didn’t reflect, didn’t apologise and basically made out that it was all my fault.
The tears I have cried over that one over the years, would fill several seas. I’ve also had bouts of anger about it too.
Now, although I don’t always succeed, I try to be compassionate with myself. The losses were immense in emotional terms.
I have had to battle my way out of isolation as I thought that I was the only person in the world to be experiencing such feelings. Then, from sharing with others such as on this board I realised that this sort of thing is very common as an aftermath of domestic abuse and sometimes people call it secondary abuse. Ive found it very painful at times.
But now, I kind of look at nuclear families one man, one woman and kids and think that in history actually the whole idea of that being a norm is completely untrue. There have always been women who lived on their own with kids, or relied on diverse members of the community to bring their kids up, and found creative ways of moving forward.
This may sound odd, but nowadays the postman, the milkman and the people at the local shop are more important to me than most of my birth family as is the relationship I have built up with people at my child’s school.
Big hug, thank you for sharing your feelings.
28th April 2018 at 2:52 pm #57697
Dear Freedom To Choose,
Thank you for your kind response.
I know what you mean about the milkman/ postman etc meaning more to you: in the end you go right off people who aren’t respectful and kind to you, family or not.
I’m sorry that your family couldn’t see through your abuser’s mask. It sounds like you get a lot from engaging with your community. I hope that you continue to enjoy this and to grow joyfully, away from toxic people!
30th April 2018 at 12:17 pm #57751AyannaParticipant
I hope you feel better today, Serenity.
I know this feeling of anger.
I even felt hatred towards my family times ago.
I keep myself away from all of them as much as possible.
Due to the illness of both parents there is regular contact, but I let this happen as rarely as even possible.
They will never change and do not accept the damage they caused.
I could never address the issue and now it is far too late.
But the hurt is there and the knowledge of what had been done.
I explore this in therapy and will hopefully find a way to cope with the past one day.
9th May 2018 at 8:51 pm #58232
I hope therapy is helping you to feel stronger.
The weather is improving, and I remember you telling us once about the joy you feel at sitting in your garden with your various plants and flowers and a cup of tea. I hope you are managing to do this x
9th May 2018 at 9:37 pm #58237freedomtochooseParticipant
Thanks Serenity, that was such a lovely comment, it really helped me. Also thanks Ayanna, and everyone on this board.
It is very important to think of everyday things that bring us hope.
I’m reading my own words back, seems strange to talk about the milkman and the postman like that but our postman has had quite a story over the past few months, he was diagnosed with cancer and has had chemo, carried on working…likewise the milkman climbs up flights of stairs and I have two pints of organic milk before my child goes to school when I am half-baked in the morning.
Both (and others) are non-intrusive, don’t ask for details of my life.
Such is the everyday-ness of things.
Can’t pretend I don’t have days when going out is not a struggle but there you go.
Things change and evolve don’t they.
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