Annoyed with myself I broke no contact

[Anonymous]

Hello this is my first post and I’m grateful to be on here.
I’ve read across some of the boards and I relate to and have taken comfort from much of what I’ve read – thank you all.

Reading about trauma bonding was a real light bulb moment for me!

It’s been a decent period of time since my divorce but it’s been rough and I’m still not fully back on my feet…I say back on my feet but in honesty I don’t think I ever really knew what it was like to be on them until after the separation.

I got with my ex very young and we were together for a very long time. To say I was codependent is an understatement.

I never really reached out for support in the survivor community – after the separation it was like a whirlwind, as we know, there’s just so much to process and deal with so you just do – thing by thing, issue by issue, problem by problem. 

Because we split by ex’s decision following his infidelity and his decision to pursue a relationship with the new person, I took a while to process and acknowledge the violence and abuse of the relationship.

Following our split I left the city… home, career, “friends” etc…
I was very unwell but finally reached rock bottom and got serious about recovery:
– imposed no contact
– cut ties with “friends” (all “mutual”, but really his friends)
– set about dealing with some of my issues (getting and staying sober, therapy for long standing but never dealt with trauma, treatment for the PTSD and other mental illnesses, and re-building my faith).

I’m in a new relationship and have been moving forwards…but recently I broke no contact. He reached out multiple times (his number was blocked but I could always see the calls in my call log) eventually he reached out a different way full of apology and charm and I foolishly thought I could finally address some unsaid things and get closure. Needless to say it has not worked out that way.

I feel hurt all over again. Daily nightmares have resumed, I’m out of routine and my mind is torturing me.

He was going through a hard time and has found reassurance and comfort in our contact whilst I have received nothing that I set out to achieve and am emotionally exhausted and maybe even a bit retraumatised.

I am very annoyed with myself for agreeing to open the lines of communication. I’m embarrassed by how willing I was to offer him emotional support! The first communication instantly evoked fear, panic, a need to know what he needed and this almost subconscious, trained response to be there for him.

I’ve now severed communication and blocked him…again…but I’m just struggling with the fall out. Despite having a couple of very good people in my life I’m very lonely. I think I need to make connections with other survivors, this big part of my life experience has been somewhat neglected in my attempts to move on and I’m not comfortable talking about it with the people left in my life (for reasons I’ll leave for another day).

I’ve emailed the helpline about local support as I think I need to start dealing with stuff that I thought I’d dealt with but clearly haven’t 🙁

I’ve ordered the why does he do that book so that will help 🙂

I also take comfort from how far I am from day one after the split… it felt like my life was over but this quote from Valerie Kaur says it best “What if this darkness is not the darkness of the tomb but the darkness of the womb?” That’s how I feel now, I may have had a little stumble but I’m still a toddler really, birthed into a new life and I’m grateful that I’m growing 🙂

[gettingtired]

Just wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum.
I can’t offer any advice as I haven’t left yet but there’s a book called The body keeps the score which you may find helpful.
It’s comforting and helpful being able to speak to people on here who understand.
Thanks for sharing that quote; very powerful! Xx

[Anonymous]

Dear gettingtired

I don’t think I replied properly yesterday I didn’t click the right reply button so I’m sending this in case my reply below didn’t appear to you 🙂

Still learning the ropes 🙂

Take care xx

[gettingtired]

Hey gr8ful, I know it’s a bit confusing at first! I think the reply button is quite new on here actually. I’m sure you will find your way around easily enough soon. 😀
Take care and keep posting xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hello gettingtired

Thank you so much for your reply and the welcome. It’s nerve wracking posting for the first time so I really appreciate it 🙂

I’m glad that I found my way to this site and think you’re right that it helps to connect with people who understand.

Thank you also for the book recommendation- I will look for it.

Thank you again and take care xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Gr8ful,

Welcome to the forum.

Please don’t be embarrassed by your willingness to offer him emotional support. It shows the kind, genuine woman that you are. Any normal recipient would have cherished your support. I think sometimes, when you’ve been out of the relationship a little while, it can be hard to remember quite how they really are. You get used to normal people and it’s puts you once removed from the reality of their behaviour.

Your shields come down because you are no longer permanently en guard and that can make you very vulnerable.

You have done an amazing thing to get this far and to take the steps that you are taking now ~ to make your first post on the forum and contact your local DV charity. As you will already have experienced, it takes great courage to face those demons. I take my hat off to you. xx

[Anonymous]

Hello Eggshells

I’m not sure if I replied properly below and just in case it doesn’t appear as a reply to you I’m sending this 🙂

Thank you and take care xx

[Empoweredhealing]

My heart goes out to you and congratulations on working so hard on your recovery!
I think it’s very common for some of us who have been out for awhile, done some healing and feel stronger to think that we can be exposed to our exes again. So please don’t feel embarrassed. But it’s not possible to be healthy while drinking poison.
It’s all part of the healing journey though. This experience can be an empowering lesson. At least now you know that he remains very psychological dangerous to you.
I think what you experienced was a “hoovering” attempt. Dr. Ramani on Youtube has some videos on why hoovering happens and why survivors are very vulnerable to them. I think you’ll find some healing and comfort from her words.

[Anonymous]

Dear Eggshells and Empoweredhealing

Thank you so much for your responses 🙂

Thank you for your kindness and reassurance about this.

When a little time has passed it can be difficult to remember quite how they are especially when, as you say, you’re feeling stronger and have let the shields down a little by being around normal people.

You’re right that this experience has been an essential part of my healing – reminding me of my vulnerability, his ways and that thankfully 🙏 my heart hasn’t hardened.

Thank you for helping me feel more at peace.

Thank you for the information about hoovering and Dr Ramani I’ll look at these things with interest.

Thank you again and take care xx

[Empoweredhealing]

By the way, that Dr. Ramani episode is “No contact Relapsed”.
Thanks for sharing your story. This has helped me and I’m sure many others as well.

[Author]

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