another bad day.. need to rant

[Darkcloud2]

this is my first post.
I keep telling myself i’m not putting up with another violent episode, yet here i am still there and afraid to leave. I’ve had my bags packed and ready to go so many times and then he apologies and we have a lovely few days then as soon as he doesn’t get his own way, were back to the start again. I keep wanting to make it work but i know its not the right thing to do. He gambles all our money and then makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend some for myself. I’ve started getting wise to the cycle that happens each time but each time i tell myself it’ll be different this time. I’ve only just opened up to family about what i’ve had to deal with for (detail removed by moderator) years but i still cant find the strength to leave for good. Im scared of what hes threatened to do to my family. He seems to have a really hatred towards them. I do worry about him and what will happen once i’m gone because hes pushed away everyone in our lives, i cant see him being able to manage his finances and make responsible choices for himself but sometimes i think well its what he deserves but then i get hit with the guilt that everyone needs someone to drag them out of a hole. Im so torn. One day i love him and the next i hate him.

[Findmyself]

Google trauma bonding and the cycle of Abuse. They may help you to understand what’s happening. I read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft too which helped. Don’t put to much pressure on yourself to leave it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do and it’s a bumpy journey. We all lived for the good times and the people they pretended to be and breaking that bond is hard. It may be worth ringing the helpline or using the chat to help make an exit plan when you’re ready for it. Talking really helps when you’re talking with people who understand use the forum and keep us informed Xx

[Pinknails]

You are not responsible for him and his actions, he will have to learn he can’t rely on you when you walk away. I know you are scared right now but you will find the strength to leave eventually. Get a support network around you , family , friends and other services available. If he does do anything to your family report it , even the threats. Cover your own back and if the worst case happens there is a log of what’s been happening.

X

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