Viewing 12 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #116502
      Buddy
      Participant

      Hi all , as you already probably know he is saying the odd thing to me !!
      I am one word answers back as I can’t just flip a switch and also obviously it’s worse for me as I know his game .
      He is on furlough for (detail removed by moderator) , I came home from work house all clean and tidy , finished diy jobs ( must say house looks great , even though irrelevant , but makes it harder)
      I am not indulging in much conversation tbh ,
      I don’t usually work full time , but have been for past (detail removed by moderator) to save money !
      As he is on furlough he can see how much I am working , so has now said to me I need to start contributing ( I can’t say anything as I don’t pay anything towards house) but I am so gutted as now can’t save as much !
      For years he has paid everything as on good money and my money has been extra ,
      Is this another firm of moving goal posts or am I just getting paranoid about every little thing now ?
      My anxiety has calmed down I have upped my dose of anti depressants the (detail removed by moderator) , but don’t think it’s that as only (detail removed by moderator), I think it’s because atmosphere a bit better in house .. either way I am going with it for now to give my mental health and body a break from the draining anxiety x

    • #116508
      KIP.
      Participant

      Making you pay for things now is him trying to remove your financial independence and assert the fact that you need him and his money. My ex did the same. If he’s on furlough he should still be getting a good proportion of his salary and it’s only for a couple more weeks at the moment. It’s more controlling behaviour. It’s his way of saying that you crossed his boundaries and now you will be getting punished for it. Increasing your anti depressants is just treating the symptoms of the abuse and not the cause of your depression. It’s easy to fall into that cycle when they make an effort but he knows this and that’s the game he plays. Won’t be long before his next nasty outburst and he’s going nowhere x

    • #116564
      FacingRealityAtLast
      Participant

      idk if this is relevant or fair Buddy but can see its diffic w money reduced for him so on face of it maybe both yr money shd be reduced at same proportion?

      On the other hand, I am in similar situation but he’s always demanded/’deserved’ more to cover his addictions ie booze n f**s n the like than he gives to me for ‘pocket money’ …in fact double – wd be more but I asked for increase to half of his. BUT even if he’s working shouldnt you both hv same amt of ‘pocket money’ as both worth same as human beings … plus both put in what we can via housework/ cooking etc ….but reality is like you, im currently dependent on him …. but what do *you* think about that? What do you think you should get ideally? I’m interested cos had similar thoughts.

      In fact, I asked for a bit more this evening – told him not fair n know i cannot demand and recognise his hard work but seeing as i wd rather be contributing money and I want it to buy family present he doesnt want to pay so much for. I hv stuck to my guns n *think* he will increase mine tomorrow but he may not. Even with corona determined to carry on jobseeking whether im with him or not. Would spend less on groceries etc if/when we split. Not sure this helps but so happens had ‘that convo’ tonight.

    • #116565
      FacingRealityAtLast
      Participant

      hehe the word censored beginning with an f means cigs!

    • #116602
      Buddy
      Participant

      Hi facingrealityatlast .
      Well, he is on really good money , so he pays mortgage, bills etc .. I have always looked after the children when they were little , but always worked part time !
      My money goes towards extras like clothes etc holiday money .. although I do pay credit cards and things !
      Over the years I have had money left over where I would buy myself clothes , which I do feel grateful for that I haven’t had to contribute to bills etc .. but like I said he is on good money .
      Only in last couple of months I started working full time , as able to as both children now in comp and older , so obviously he sees this and now wants money off me , which is fair as I don’t contribute !
      It’s just it feels more like a anger thing with him now as he isn’t getting his way as I am sticking to my guns and not just going back to normal and pretending everything is ok .
      Although he is on really good money , he is useless with money .. he even said to me , shame you didn’t decide to work full time years ago then we wouldn’t have debt ( obviously unfair as I was working part time and there was only me to be around for the children ..
      anyway that’s my situation x

    • #116606
      KIP.
      Participant

      Have you spoken to a solicitor about what you would be entitled to in a divorce? My ex used to say I’d get nothing but I got the marital home. They are liars. You need to see what he’s earning before you start to contribute to bills. What he will do now is try to squeeze money from you because it leaves you with less to plan an escape and also makes you reliant on him. He should be open about his finances. Many couples put both wages in a pot and once the bills are paid they split what’s left. Maybe save some too. It makes me wonder what he’s hiding and his debt is marital debt and half yours. You shouldn’t have to contribute more just because you’re working longer hours when he’s over spending.

    • #116608
      Buddy
      Participant

      I agree kip .. I obviously can’t tell you what he earns on here , but he is on really good money and our mortgage is only part repayment part intrest only , it is a large house so bills come to a bit , but with his earnings , we should be laughing !!
      I don’t know where it goes tbh !

      My son was just sitting next to me going through (detail removed by Moderator) online for Xmas and my husband said to me , (detail removed by Moderator) , ( as he can see I am working lots more) I said (detail removed by Moderator) , he shouted , (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator)
      He walked out of room and then came back in and said (detail removed by Moderator)
      I said (detail removed by Moderator) .. my poor son sitting here in the middle of the two of us said thank u Mam !
      It is obviously getting up his nose that I am in a position to work full time now and be indeoendant !!

    • #116609
      Buddy
      Participant

      It’s his name on mortgage , so I understand I have to get in touch with land registry to put my name down on something ( don’t really understand it tbh ) but I will look into it . But as we are married I am entitled to things anyway .. I am sure I could afford this house on my own for a couple of years sx

    • #116621
      KIP.
      Participant

      Talk to a solicitor. Most offer a free consultation. It may give you that push you require. Starting point is 50/50 split of all marital assets plus he would need to contribute to kids and bills while you live there. Then there’s pensions. I take it he’s no longer moving out. He’s going to abuse you more and more as you become more independent and he will do it in front of the kids because he knows it hurts you more and you will back down to save their feelings but he won’t. He will use them and the harm it causes them more. He can see his control slipping away and that’s dangerous for you x

    • #116622
      KIP.
      Participant

      Even if your name isn’t on the mortgage you still have rights to the home if you’re married. A solicitor will tell you exactly what you’re entitled to. My sister once asked if there was a button you could press and everything stayed the same but your husband disappeared, would you press that button? I’d have jumped on it x

    • #116648
      Buddy
      Participant

      Thanks kip .. I don’t know what his game is .. no mention of moving out at all .. I haven’t brought it up either though ! Just trying to manage working full time and the children atm . Although I came home from work today , to all washing done ( he has always done this) which obviously makes my life easier , especially working around the clock but at the same time , I think I am not sure if I need a domestic partner .. I need someone who is there for me emotionally when I need it , especially with marital problems !
      He is talking to me a bit , I am the same , just the basics , but the way I feel emotionally I think I am done , and it’s only a matter of time , with strength etc ..

    • #116650
      Buddy
      Participant

      In answer to if I could press a button and everything g started the same .. but he was gone ! Yes!! If I could keep living I this area, for school, work etc .. children’s lives not disrupted .. 100% xx

    • #116651
      KIP.
      Participant

      He doesn’t get any points for doing the washing. He should be doing the washing and everything else that needs done if he’s got the time and you’re working. That’s just what supportive partners do. Keep your eye on that prize and make it happen. I’m sitting in my home, my money is mine, the bills are paid. Same friends and family. And he’s gone. I’m living my dream 💕

Viewing 12 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account