This topic contains 15 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Camel 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #113383
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi everyone .. (removed by moderator) my friend came over and we shared a bottle of wine .. my husband came home from work and seeemed a little peeved but nothing major ..
    I was quite drunk by the time she left and I asked him what was wrong etc .. this turned into an argument and he threw a bottle of beer against the wall ( he wasn’t drunk )
    This hit my (removed by moderator), the (removed by moderator) on it cracked and there are beer stains all over my wall which I can’t remove ..
    myself and my son proceeded to pick up all the smashed glass off the floor and I went to bed and ended up chatting to my make friend ( he just messaged how are you doing.. I didn’t tell him anything about the incident but it was so mice to chat to him after what happened , almost like a breathe of fresh air
    (Removed by moderator) we got up and he came downstairs and I said to him look at the mess on the wall and he said I don’t give a f***
    An apology would have been nice !!
    He said I am abusive ( I did drink so can’t remember exactly what was said in the argument ) but I genuinely don’t think o am abusive ..
    things have been so calm lately , I feel sick today that this has happened .. I stopped going for counselling as it was proving to expensive .. just wanted to get it off my chest really .. Thank u x

  • #113384
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You describe this incident like an ordinary occurrence which is alarming. This behaviour is illegal and threatening and it’s also child abuse. Your child witnessing this will carry this trauma into their life and their future. Please seek help for you both to escape this abusive relationship which is doing so much damage that you can’t and won’t see for years to come. Contact your local women’s aid for support and to plan a safe escape for you and your child. They deserve a happy Abuse free childhood to give them the best start in life. And also a happy Abuse free mum x

  • #113396
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi kip , it does feel like an ordinary occurrence to me .. I am mainly upset by the damage he does to the home .. I have started to feel like it’s not a big deal but a temper tantrum .
    I feel completley co dependant on him and leaving scares me .. I just haven’t got it in me to do .. I work but only part time because of the children , I just can’t see how I can manage financially .
    What is worrying me is I do feel I have got to the point where I am getting stronger and don’t have respect for him anymore , and this guy/ friend I am getting closer too ( only the odd message and I feel so drawn to him , like he is a bit of lightness in it all ..
    I feel like I am loosing control of myself and worrying I may end up having an affair .. I know it’s not the right thing to do , and this guy has always said no sex as it would be an affair then and he doesn’t think I can cope with it !
    We are definitely having an emotional affair for sure .. I just can’t cut contact with him I have tried to for years but we always end up chatting again 😬
    My son and daughter have seen things over the years , even saw my husband hit (removed by moderator) , they are happy well adjusted children but it does worry me of course but we do talk about it and they also seem very matter of fact about it and brush it off , like me .
    I am confused as honestly he is a good husband most of the time , very kind, thoughtful etc .. sometimes I wonder is it a mental health issue or adhd that he has x

  • #113406
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It worries me even more that your kids brush off this kind of behaviour and are matter of fact. Children from abusive households are far more likely to be abused in adulthood. You really need to gather a support network for you all. Lean on your local women’s aid. Have you read Living with the Dominator. Do you recognise the cycle of abuse in your husband?

  • #113407
     Buddy 
    Participant

    This is worrying me now as I guess I don’t see it as a big deal… like I have become numb to it !!
    Is it really that bad ? I just told him it’s abusive and he needs to think of the children .. his reply was that I need to stop speaking to him like s**t .. I told him we were arguing and it’s no excuse for throwing things .. he replied nothing just looked down on his phone …

  • #113408
     Buddy 
    Participant

    I am not sure if I recognise a cycle .. yes probably , but he only throws things in arguments .. the cycle is about power and control , I genuinely think he is like a child having a temper tantrum .. it’s not pre emptied to intimidate me .. do u get me ?

  • #113412
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I get you because you’re in the fog of abuse and can’t see what’s happening because I’ve been there. Does he have these ‘tantrums’ in public? No I doubt it very much because he knows he would be arrested so he knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s designed to threaten and intimidate you. Imagine a stranger walking into your home and behaving this way. It’s no different. In fact it’s worse because then man who’s abusing you and your children is the very man who is supposed to love and protect you. Please talk to your local women’s aid. We minimise the abuse and make excuses for it. Meantime your self esteem and confidence and your mental health and that of your children is being eroded and destroyed.

  • #113414
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @buddy, I just read back your posts, your first was 16th August 2017…pretty much read the same as you wrote here. That time also was describing him hitting your dad though…. Have you had a chance to read anything on abuse? As KIP described it feels like you’re in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). My sense is if you come back here you know it is but something is stopping you from going further with that information. (No judgement here, Im a bit tired so might be being too direct, sorry if I am!) Have you tried to unpick what that is? I’m going to bump a couple of posts that really really helped me to get out (I’m out and it is the best thing Ive ever done), Red Line, and Whats Stopping you from Getting out (something like that)… I really feel for you. I was getting like this to. Even recently someone asked me if it was physical violence and I said “No! Of course NOT”, “well, he never hit me, but he punched holes in the wall, right at the start, and then sporadically throughout the whole relationship, I was always blamed for “making him do this”, he never hit me directly with a punch, but he pushed and shoved, but I was always in the way…, he threw stuff at me, he threw stuff at the walls, he broke stuff….” and they said…in a sort of pitying way…”You know that’s physical abuse don’t you?”…And I do, but even now I’m programmed to think of it as not being physical abuse but it was because it was about Power and Control…basically letting me know that if I didnt tow the line he “could” smash my face in like he did that wall, he “would” break my ribs like he did the banisters, of course he didn’t say that, of course, but if he was a gorilla in the jungle, being watched and examined by researchers, they would analyse that as a very obvious communication of threat. Its basic simple violent threat. You’re witnessing that from your husband. He’s the gorilla. He’s controlling you with physical power. In three years this hasn’t got better has it? It will only escalate. I know that mine did. It took me a while to understand the situation and the cycle of abuse and the escalation but once I started seeing it, it all fell into place and scared the sh*t out of me and i got the hell out…. I also have young children, I have no family, I am all alone, if I can do it, you can do it. For your children. Start by education, reading/listening to books on domestic abuse, see your GP, the anti-depressants should be helping you see beyond the anxiety and fight and flight response that develops from living with daily abuse, but try not to have them for dulling the pain…try and use this time to build up a support network and plan to leave. What happens if one day he does hit you, or one of your children, it will never be his fault, he will never be responsible, it will be your fault, or theirs… Sending strength. Keep posting and sorry if Ive been harsh at all. I wanted to reach out as your one of the old timers on here who I recognised and feel I know. Sending a hug and have an early night as you’re probably feeling sh*te and hungover today – drinking on anti depressants gives me a headache from hell!!! x*x

  • #113431
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Thank you iliketea ,
    I defo have worse hangovers with the antidepressants … been in bed most of the day !
    His throwing of things has been going on for years and years .. it is not daily abuse .. it’s sporadic !
    I get it’s control why he does it ..and he has eroded my trust and respect with his behaviour .. I have always managed to pull the respect and love back but recently I am struggling .
    The fog .. how do u get out of it .. I have read all the recommended books .. I have educated myself , I can see his behaviour is abusive .. but I just can’t leave .. I rely on him for everything .. it feels so impossible .. a lot of it is financial .. if I came into money I would go ..
    The abuse hasn’t escalated it has stayed the same for (removed by moderator) years .. if he hit me or the children I would be out in a flash ..
    It certainly worries me that I am putting up with it and why I am not angry and normalised it .. I try not too but sometimes I think it’s only throwing things 😬
    Yes , my post from 2017 .. if there was ever a time to leave I should have done it after he hit my (removed by moderator) ..
    I am frustrated with myself as I am quite a strong person but I genuinely don’t think I will make it on my own with 2 children

  • #113442
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi Buddy, I can tell you that the psychological damage is far worse and longer lasting than any physical abuse. Have you spoken to a solicitor to find out where you stand legally and financially. Many women leave with the clothes on their back and nothing else and go on to thrive. For me there was always an excuse. My son needs his dad, I’d be worse off financially,I couldn’t cope on my own. These are all brainwashing tactics. Staying in an abusive relationship drags us down so far we can’t see any light. Drinking and mixing drugs is dangerous and plays right into his hands. He’s not your friend, he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart hes destroying your health and that of your children. Really ask yourself Deep down what you’re actually getting from this relationship? Have you tried counselling?

  • #113457
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi kip . Thank u for your reply .. I have been for counselling a lady that has abuse on her list and I told her about my whole marriage good and bad .. she said women’s aid can be black and white and if when I talk to my husband think about different ways to talk to him to prevent your arguments escalating ..
    I haven’t been back since 😬
    I get that people manage to leave but I still think this is easier said than done .. 2 children , no money .. where do u start …
    I haven’t spoken to a solicitor as yet x

  • #113467
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s extremely difficult to leave an abuser and it takes huge courage. I never underestimate this challenge. We know and we’ve probably been told what will happen to us when we do. Another reason why we stay. That counselling lady sounds awful. There is no good way to talk to an abuser, his aim isn’t to talk to you it’s to take control and dominate you and make you feel inferior and fearful and confused. Women’s aid really saved my life. For once someone told me the truth. Recognised immediately what I was dealing with and showed me the way to freedom. A poorly trained counsellor can do huge damage. The first one I talked to told me to talk to my ex about a separation 🙄 i now know That’s the most dangerous time for a woman and that kind of ignorance is what can get us killed. So take your time and lean on women’s aid and slowly pick away at the things that are holding you back. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time ❤️

  • #113484
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi kip , the funny thing is if I say to him if this carries on I will leave he just says go then .. he never scares me so I am worried about leaving !
    I completley agree about the counsellor what a waste of money 😬
    Tbh kip I am struggling to love my H so hopefully I time this will make it much easier for me to leave xx

  • #113486
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You need to change your thought pattern. Life isn’t about him it’s about you x

  • #113487
     KIP. 
    Participant

    The medication and alcohol are just your way of treating the symptoms. To break free you need to address the cause of your distress. It takes time but knowledge is power. As soon as I understood that he deliberately hurt me. That he knew exactly what he was doing. That was my breaking point x

  • #113497
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Buddy

    I just came across this thread. You’ve got some really strong supporters in your corner and I hope you’ll start to believe what they’re saying.

    You mention that you’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t change his ways. There’s really no point in saying this to him. Threatening to leave won’t make him change. Not when he knows you’re not going anywhere.

    The choice is stark. You either stay and put up with it. Or you leave.

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