6th June 2016 at 9:43 am #18671SerenityParticipant
I have had yet another lightbulb moment.
He had me terrified, quaking for years. He petrified us all, bullied us, stole from us, hurt us, and is continuing to do so as much as he is able.
These bullies put on a tough act and can cause such damage that we tend to think of them as all-powerful in a way.
And yes, they are capable of doing great damage.
But it has occurred to me that My ex isn’t even what I would call a real man. Like all bullies, his true nature is that he is a coward.
He was too cowardly to put the effort in and put himself on the line to commit to training in any way- so he makes money by illegal earnings, by taking advantage of people.
Because he is an e pry shell and has no virtues to speak of- no integrity, honesty, courage- he patented his own children through fear, put downs and humiliation.
A real man wouldn’t need to lie and cheat and manipulate. He would have the courage to face reality head on and meet any challenge by being the best person he can be.
It has occurred to me that he is t someone who had any qualities I admire. I thought he did. Initially, I thought he was fun, ambitious, brave. But in reality, he is ruthless, the ‘fun’ bit was just a hook- he is in fact negative, pessimistic, bitter and arrogant. As well as sadistic and cruel to people.
He has nothing to offer anyone. Everything that he appears to be is t real. And everything he is, he sucks from other people: too much money from others, getting his needs met, he hangs out with people who he think will make him look good- there again, like a parasite, ‘borrowing’ someone else’s personality to make himself look good. I have a job which is quite charitable and altruistic- and he used to boast about my job to people, as if to make himself look like he must be a good person if he was married to a lady with a ‘giving’ job.
Now, his new mask is that he is a musician, and here agin he is just sucking up all the empty applause. Those people don’t know his character – he only needs to share his voice. So he is safe. They don’t need to discover who he really is.
But there isn’t anything to discover in terms of anything good or valuable. All there is, is a masked hatred and jealousy against humanity and even his own children, a horrible arrogance which means he thinks he is cleverer than everyone else, a man who takes advantage of the vulnerable.
I can’t believe I married such a horrific person. To me, he isn’t a real man. To me, a real man is strong, principled and protective. I married the opposite of my ideal.
6th June 2016 at 9:30 pm #18693Peaceful PigParticipant
You are so right Serenity. Mine was also such a parasite, preferring to sponge off me or getting his assessor (female, surprise surprise) to do his entire course for him. I liked that my ex was so calm and straightforward (so I thought) as it was so different from my father’s violence, yet in reality he was cold, calculated and very controlling. Relaxed equalled lazy sponger with no sense of responsibility. I put him up on a pedestal as my rescuer, truly believing I would never have survived without him. How sad that it was all so skewed and I thought so little of myself. Equally any good qualities of mine were round to be faults. If we just take everything they have ever told us about themselves and about ourselves and believe the complete opposite we’ll have the truth and feel a lot better! Xx
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