Another newbie… Hi

[JessicaJones]

Hi, I’m new here.
I got out of my relationship a few months ago and I am still recovering from the effects of it. At this point in time, I feel like I may never fully recover.
I have browsed this forum briefly a couple of times but have avoided joining until now. For many reasons.
Let me just start by saying I think this is an amazing, much needed place of support and that women’s aid is an incredible charity and thank god it exists.
But I feel angry that I should have to be here because of him. Being on here reminds me I am a victim. And I don’t want to be. Of course, NOONE wants to be a victim. But coming here to discuss my experience and try and heal reminds me of what I’ve been through and I have spent the past few years trying to convince myself that it wasn’t actually happening. I’ve told myself over and over again that I am not a victim.
This cowardly pathetic little man has not changed me, he hasn’t traumatised me.
He does not deserve to be in my head in any way. I want to delete him from my memory and never think of him again.
However I can’t. Because I’m plagued with flashbacks, rage, horrific nightmares, numbness, uncontrollable mood swings, intrusive memories, terror, suicidal thoughts…
Sometimes I do not think of him at all and he never enters my mind. And I feel nothing towards him. Neither love nor hate. Just indifference. And I do a good job of keeping him out. The rest of the time I either miss him, idealise him and see him as this glowing, beautiful man, or, I HATE HIM. I hate him with rage and passion and I fantasise about doing things I will not mention here.

So, he’s still in my head. While he is allowed to get on with his life. With no penalty. No punishment. He’s actually been rewarded for the things he’s done with care and attention.
I will share my story here too. This is just a brief (long winded, sorry) introduction. I want to share it but with even thinking about it and touching upon it here, my vision is beginning to go blurry and I’m starting to disconnect. There is too much to say. It’s so complex that my mind can’t even make sense of it.
But I need to tell it.
I need help. I came here because as much as I want to run from it. I know I do need support. So this is step 1. Coming here and saying ok. I am a victim and I am a survivor.
I chose the username Jessica Jones because of the marvel series. She was a true hero for me.
If you’ve seen it you’ll know why. I watched it whilst I was still in a relationship with him, and watching it was so incredibly relatable I genuinely felt like this series had been written just for me. It was unbelievable. I was Jessica. I saw so much of myself in her, down to the tiniest things, and my ex was kilgrave. He was exactly like kilgrave.

And I can’t really put into words how helpful it was at that time for me.

So one thing I will say is, if you’re out there reading this and are trapped. Don’t think that you’re weak cause you’re not. You’re really not. We all have weakness which is part of being human, but that doesn’t mean that you are weak.
You’re strong, for going through what you are going through/have been through and still being here.
It’s the people who do this who are truly the weak ones. People who need to have control over other people in order to feel powerful. Feeding off us. Deceiving everyone around them. That gives a person power, not strength. There’s a big difference between the two.

I hope I can get support on here and give it to others if I feel able to.

Nice to meet you all.

[freedomtochoose]

and you lovely.
Welcome here.
ftc
x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi and welcome. I know what you mean about ‘having’ to join support groups, it can be an uncomfortable reminder that you too have experienced something you hoped never to experience. It can feel depressing, when you just want to forget it all and move on. The rage is also totally normal, and healthy too. You experienced a great injustice.

I think you’ll find the forum helpful. Lots of women come here, heal and leave, then return later with an update of how they are doing much better now and their lives have moved on, sometimes with a healthy new partner, sometimes without. Either way, they are doing a million times better than when they were with the abuser and in the year or so after leaving. I felt like you too initially, enraged at how he could take my life off track like that, how dare he, while he goes on victimising other women I am left processing the trauma and dealing with PTSD unable to move on without professional help.

However in some ways what happened to me was helpful because it ripped the wool off my eyes about my past and a cycle that kept repeating itself. So my life has changed a lot since I left and I’m no longer in dential about a lot of things. Perhaps you will have a similar experience, about aspects of your own life. As well as PTSD there is another thing called Post Traumatic Growth which people don’t tend to talk about but it is a recognised phenomenon. I often wonder if it is the reason many incredibly inspiring people in the world past and present experienced great trauma and pain at some point, which ended up transforming them (because they channeled it into something positive).

Wishing you good luck with your recovery journey. Definitely seek out some sort of abuse-specialist therapist too if you haven’t already, because they can help us make sense of everything and heal moving from victim to survivor probably quicker than if we did the healing alone.

[JessicaJones]

Thank you so much. I know I’m replying to this rather late. I had to come off the forum for a while as even just saying what I’ve said caused me to go into a prettt bad place so thought it was best to come off for a while. I’m feeling much better now and able to come back.
Just want to say, I read your response and the others I received and I feel more understood just from your few responses (even though I haven’t even detailed what happened to me) than by anyone I’ve spoken to about this. I’ve been treated horribly by so many people. Police, nhs staff. It’s been awful.
So thank you <3
And yes do think I will find being here helpful. Even if I occasionally run away again when it becomes too much.

[freedomtochoose]

btw I love Jessica jones. Watching her has helped me too in my dismal moments…
x

[JessicaJones]

And yes, I can most definitely relate to the wool being pulled off as you said.
I’ve already learned soooo much from what has happened to me.
I feel I’ve awakened in many ways and many other things which have happened to me in my past have been brought to light.
Things that I always knew were incredibly wrong. But I just accepted like… ‘this is just how it is for people like me…’
But it took this happening to me and almost losing my life to go ‘enough is enough’.
It’s both enlightening and incredibly disturbing.
But at the same time my depression is worsening a lot over the last few months so I feel like… im kinda forgetting everything that’s happened. I forget it all, expect for the nightmares almost every night, then all of a sudden it all hits me and I get crazy with rage.
Ive been diagnosed with PTSD which explains it I guess.

[JessicaJones]

@freedomtochoose me too! I’m literally about to finish watching season 2 after I get off the forum 🙂
I’m about half way through. Keep meaning to watch the rest but I’m not as hooked on it as season 1. Then I’m gunna rewatch season 1 after.
I’ve not watched it since I was with him. I wanna watch it again now that I’m away and free 🙂

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