Viewing 3 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #131979
      Harriet123
      Participant

      Hi,

      So it’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I broke up with my ex and even though parts of me feel so much better now that I’ve left him. I’m starting to get really bad anxiety.

      We have a (detail removed by moderator) daughter who’s care we share 50% of but I’m going to loom at getting things made legal and try and get her more. I desperately wanted to try and be civil with him and give him the chance to be nice to me and get along for the sake of her and so I didn’t take her away from her dad but he’s proved that’s not possible and is continuing to be nasty to me. He started being nice a few weeks ago and then he started asking if we could go for a drink and get our family back together but I said no so the nastiness started again which showed me that I was right for saying now.

      Anyway, my main point to this post is that the anxiety about normal day to day things when I’m not with my daughter is getting bad, I have flashbacks also of the things he did which I hate. I feel fine when I’m with my daughter but when I’m not I find it all very overwhelming. I spoke to the doctor and he recommended beta blockers but I’m not sure if pills are the way forward, does anyone have any experience with them and if so, can you tell me your thoughts on them please?

      I’m waiting for counselling but still have about a 10 week wait and I’m not sure what to do in the meantime!

      Thanks x

    • #131987
      KIP.
      Participant

      Have you spoken to your local women’s aid? They may know of charities that offer counselling. It’s no wonder your anxious having to still deal with him. He’s not ever going to be reasonable and as you’ve seen when he doesn’t get what he wants he will punish you. Please keep a detailed journal of his behaviour and any evidence you can. Texts emails etc. His coercive control is probably illegal but if you’re going to go to court then evidence is helpful. I’d definitely get a legal access agreement because he will use your child to control you forever. Beta blockers will slow your heart rate but there are other anti anxiety drugs that I think are good for short term use to get you to a place where you can cope but it’s your abuser that’s causing your anxiety and drugs are just treating the symptoms. Can you use a third party for all contact?

      • #132105
        Harriet123
        Participant

        I’m not sure how well third party contact would work but it may be something I have to put in place once he finds out I’m taking things legal.

        I spoke to victims support who have given me the contact number for my local womens aid as they may be able to offer me counselling before the nhs one becomes available.

        I’m also now worried about how bad things are going to turn once he finds out I’m going legal and I still have doubts in my head that everything is my fault and the outsiders will blame me and not see him for his abusive ways. I didn’t document much to doctors, police etc. so I’m worried the evidence I do have won’t look like enough!

    • #132016
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi Beautiful Harriet123,
      Well done for breaking away from this man
      I can understand that having a child with him is difficult and that cutting ties is not simple. Get something put in place officially, this will automatically make you feel less anxious when you have an arrangement put in place by law
      Regarding feeling anxious when you are alone, be grateful for this time you have for yourself and start to work on your self love
      When you know that you are going to have this time for yourself pre-plan what you will do so you can look forward to it … this could be baking a cake for when your daughter gets home, or trying some meditating or yoga or a new group or class, planning a new walk, dancing to your favorite song, planting some seeds, getting a massage, reading a book or just sitting with this feeling and allowing it to pass
      It is more important than ever for you to build yourself into a strong powerful woman to be as a roll model for your daughter
      You and her could start to create a vision board for both of you… get excited about your future
      The stronger you become and empower yourself the more ‘he’ will fade away
      Stay connected on the forum for strength and keep posting
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

      • #132106
        Harriet123
        Participant

        Thank you Darcy.

        I completely agree just sometimes find it so difficult because he if he messages me it just takes over my mood and motivation to do good things for myself and he just make me feel like such a bad person that I just get upset.

        A vision board sounds like a great idea actually!

        I just need to also find a hobby but got so nervous about going out and doing these things alone.

        Xx

      • #132127
        Darcy
        Participant

        When you feel like that when he texts you, try and sit with the feeling a little, even if its uncomfortable … see what it triggers in you and then ask yourself why… this then is likely an area of yourself that needs some work, attention and love… where in your body does if feel uncomfortable and look at sending yourself some love there
        If he triggers frustration in you, where in you are you frustrated… people cant trigger these emotions in you unless you have them there already
        I understand about you not wanting to do things alone, so start small. Maybe start doing something that you can do on your own to begin with and then when you have confidence in it, you could look at joining a group or club.
        Remember other people feel the same when starting something new so you are not the only one feeling this. Also this is for your well being so who cares what others are going to think anyway!
        You could even field out what your interests are on here… I am sure someone will be like minded and be able to point you in the right direction
        Stay strong my angel and keep posting
        D xx

      • #132966
        Harriet123
        Participant

        I’ve recently started the gym, and my god it helps so much. I started with a friends so I go with her every time but I would like to get to the point where I feel comfortable to go alone, so I am working on that.

        These are all affects from what he has done to me and because he’s still in my life causing me grief I find it difficult to get rid of the trigger because he is it.

        I’m waiting for counselling, only a few more weeks now until I get my space so hopefully they will be able to help with coping mechanisms etc.

        Thank you x

    • #132041
      Bee1
      Participant

      Hi Harriet123,
      I too am glad for you that you’ve stepped away. I know it’s not easy for any of us. I do not have children to my ex, but he cut me sharply with his youngest who I love dearly.
      All part of his plan to hurt me more even tho I’m miles away now. I won’t swear in here, but what a complete………

      To help my anxiety, I use meditation and self hypnosis. (Michael Sealey on Youtube). How’re that’s ok to mention on here, by his voice is very calming, and mindfulness does help with relaxation/sleeping. Meditation doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s a Practice. I didn’t go down the antidepressant route, been there, and personally don’t like their side effects, but I know they have their place.

      I have learned to take a mental step back and look AT what he was/is, not the facade he portrays. I had the ‘good behaviour’ performances too, my.. aren’t they good at that?! Jeeeeez. Oscar winning.

      Your hurt will dissipate, keep rowing and keep going: Always A Little Further.
      Every one of us who took the courage to move away will smile again. I know it 💓

      I

      • #132107
        Harriet123
        Participant

        Hi Bee1,

        It’s awful isn’t it?! They just need control and will use whatever they can to hurt us most!

        My sister has recommended meditation as she doesn’t feel as though pills are the best way forward, personally neither do I but I just don’t know whether it’s worth a try.

        Meditation I have tried but sometimes I find that it makes me more anxious when I try to be relaxed if that makes sense?
        However, I am up for trying again so I will definitely have a look at Michael Sealey on YouTube to see how I get on with that.

        Thanks for your help. Xx

Viewing 3 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content