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Just wondered how people are coping with anxiety and learning with being assertive post abuse.
Even though I have learned about and understand how to be assertive (broken record; using ‘I’ statements; saying you’ll get back to someone re plans rather than agreeing on the spot), I still struggle with this and suffer from anxiety when faced with it.
I find really assertive people challenging and draining – people who aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong but always seem to be pushing their ideas and opinions on you. Friends I made before or at the start of my journey post abuse I find the worst to deal with. They are not used to me saying no or not agreeing to their plans and I’ve had to distance myself from them (with a heck of a lot of guilt).
I keep telling myself I don’t owe anybody anything! Yet I can’t get rid of the guilt and then I unwillingly get myself into situations again because of it, and dread the encounter when really I should have stuck to my guns (but would have been eaten alive with the guilt).
How to I get rid of this feeling. I no longer answer to anyone but myself and I don’t have to please anyone else. I know this but I still feel myself falling into the same old traps. -
This has come up with me recently. Confrontation and arguments never ended well for us as abuse victims. It’s triggering. There’s a couple YouTube videos about saying no and how saying no is good for us. I’ve had to distance myself from assertive people. They scare me. My sister was awful recently when I said no to her, she became aggressive and controlling just because she couldn’t get her own way. People need to respect the word no and we should be able to say the word no without fear. We become people pleasers as abuse victims. Agreeing to anything to keep the peace. It’s a hard habit to break free from but something we need to work at. It’s a very sensitive subject for quite some time post abuse until we regain confidence. Confidence in our own judgement and ability to handle pushy people. Avoiding people like this may be okay short term but we need to get back into the real world and stand our ground in a positive measured way. I know I used to overreact because of PTSD. I felt cornered and trapped again and the emotions overwhelmed me. Good counselling helps too x
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So glad you posted this. I feel like I need to go on some work on being more assertive. I’m ok in my own little world: with my partner (not the abusive one obviously) and my friends, and mostly with my family, although my mother can be tricky at times. But at work I definitely struggle to assert what I can and cannot do, which is particularly awkward as I have a medical condition that means there are things I really should not do at work, because I pay for them later in pain and exhaustion. Sounds like I should do some reading on the subject. But I agree with KIP, assertive people are difficult, especially those used to getting their own way. I definitely find them triggering.
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I really struggle with this too. It’s incredibly hard to learn to establish healthy boundaries after a period of time of being subjected to such a lot of harm from controlling, unkind behaviour, and I really relate to what you say about the PTSD. It’s horrible and makes it hard to imagine ever being able to have trusting, good friendships. Sometimes I feel like it’s so far out of reach it may never be available to me. I feel extremely vulnerable at the moment and have a sense of panic that I basically disguise by wearing makeup and hoping people don’t notice me sweating too much.
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I am only saying no these days 😬
I can’t help it. I say no first then I assess the situation. I feel that I am obliged to. Because I know abusers are intolerant to the word no. So I have to say no to anything. To see the reaction. If it’s respectful I know I might be ok. If it isn’t, if my no has awoken the beast in someone, I won’t be talking to this person again. I’ll keep my distance, go grey rock immediately.
For me there are two worlds. Survivors and the rest. I trust survivors and not the rest. The rest I will test them. For my own protection.
I feel no guilt. I feel entitled to my No. If someone doesn’t agree they can f off. I am trying and learning to soften my ways again back to being civilised. As KIP has put beautifully “Avoiding people like this may be okay short term but we need to get back into the real world and stand our ground in a positive measured way”.
I am learning it right now with different people being shocked by my no but I am standing by it.Just say No to everything, it’ll make your life so much easier. People get used to your No’s. Only say Yes when you 100% feel like it.
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Wow HopeLifeJoy, that seems an extreme approach but I can totally understand why.
Oh the irony, one of the pushier people in my life has just tried to call me for the second time while writing this message.
I just don’t understand why some people are not able to read the signs. If I’ve not responded after a few attempts, is it not obvious? Some people’s lack of awareness astonishes me. It’s that I find triggering and hard to deal with. But why do I feel guilty because I have not responded? I hate this cycle so much 🙁 -
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Some people’s sense of self importance astonishes me sometimes. Obviously my self worth is incredibly low so I’m not the best person to judge but I don’t get how you can just constantly put yourself so high up there above everyone else. I agree with being equal to everyone else and considering others’ feelings and that’s what I find hard to balance.
I struggle with knowing the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness even though on paper I know. In real life it’s very blurred. -
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I know 😬 my boundaries are sky high, I self-isolate myself because of my lack of trust in others. It isn’t the best way to coop but it is one way. And it can be changed when I feel a little safer. For now I am still pretty shaken up by discovering evil existing in our world. It’s been a huge shock to my very core.
Assertiveness is respectfully asserting your opinions and boundaries. Firmly but politely. Assertiveness shown from someone else would be them trying to convince you of their opinion by putting in effort in their argument and show-casing what’s in it for you if you would agree to their ways. Your opinions are considered and respected, they will not cross over the boundary you’ve placed, meaning you will feel comfortable stating your opinion with assertive people.
Aggressive behaviour would be to push or coerce you into doing something you wish not to do and said no to but your no isn’t heard, respected and completely ignored. You will feel uncomfortable around these people, fearful of repercussions because you dared say no to them.
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I suffer from crippling anxiety. Leftover from 20 plus years ago, however you can rebuild your self-confidence back up but it takes time and hard work. Not everyone is a n********t if we display self-confidence, it has taken me (detail removed by moderator) now to get mine back. Unfortunately, I get told off for everything that I post on here and all I want to do is empower other women from experience. I got amazing help from Women’s aid years ago.
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Going back to this…this affects my relationship with other people and I genuinely don’t know how to ‘run’ a relationship in a healthy way.
When people stifle me, I push them away. When they are too distant, I crave them. How do you achieve a middle ground? I know I need counselling around this. I want meaningful relationships but I just don’t know how to balance them or have them in the first place. -
I know this probably won’t help much but time is the answer. It’s like having to re learn healthy relationships. And time gives you the chance to heal. Taking baby steps in new relationships till you feel confident again. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them in a nice way. You’re still extremely vulnerable and I went through that stage too. Once you begin counselling, it will help a lot. Just ‘practice’with new relationships slowly. Even if it’s just the lady on the till at a shop you go to. Make the first move to say hello, how are you today. It’s all about re engaging and realising that the world isn’t a big scary place. It’s a fun and exciting place x people are usually genuinely nice, we are just used to horrors
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I really need counselling, that’s for sure.
I want to be able to connect with people – I’m not just talking about a relationship with a partner, but basically anyone – my friendships all seem fraught and I’m constantly having a battle with myself whether I want them in my lives or not, if they add value or not, whether I can trust them or not etc. I never fully ‘get’ anyone without a million hang ups. -
Yep, it’s part of recovery from abuse. Trust has been blown right out the water and you need to feel your way gently back into connecting. I have PTSD and this was part of my problem. Re wire your brain is what’s done in counselling so we can once again find positive connections in life x it will take time but it will happen. I promise x
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