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Hi lovely ladies. I haven’t posted on here for some time and I just wanted to ask for your experience of anxiety being worse after the relationship ended & when it might improve. I used to be anxious some of the time when he was here but I suppose most of the time I was just trying to keep the peace and plan the way out. I’m still in the house with the children and he’s gone, quite a long time. But I have found that with him always being around (not literally) because of having the children on some weekends and a weekday, that I just feel more and more anxious as time goes by and it feels uncontrollable. I am quite a calm and kind person but I feel like this has really been taken advantage of by my children and him in the past.
He used to work away a lot but now he doesn’t and I hate knowing he’s never far away even though the abuse was verbal and emotional, not physical, apart from coercive over sex.
I keep remembering things that happened over the years and realising it was wrong for longer than I had thought. I’m back with womens aid at a group and waiting for counselling. Financial things are still being settled and I won’t be free of him for a long time.
I just had no idea it would creep up on me so much. I’m extremely nervous of men and never want a relationship again, though this itself doesn’t bother me, apart from knowing I’ll always be alone. Gosh, I’ve gone on and on!
I’d just love to hear if others felt this way and when did it start to lift or improve/ how? I’m currently what I would expect to be called highly anxious, painful chest when I wake up in the morning, though I hardly sleep, and the pain is starting to appear more in the days & some days hardly goes. I get terribly anxious and pained if I talk about it all but I’m desperate to get some counselling to get the feelings out.
Thank you to anyone who can help & wishing everyone strength x -
Hi, it sounds like PTSD and yes it was much worse just after I separated. That’s when your brain has the time and safe space to process the abuse. Having him anywhere hear you will increase the anxiety. Is there someone who can act as a go between with the children and any other matters that need sorted. Counselling should help you deal with the symptoms. Mindfulness and meditation helped ease the anxiety and you might want to speak to your GP and get some mild medication to get you over the worst.
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Hi KIP. Thank you. I’ve been on medication for about 6 months and have a mediator for the financial issues, though he took advantage of this and delayed things as long as he could. I think the fact that it’s dragged on and on doesn’t help. I’m just so desperate to be free of him and separate.
I don’t see him when he collects them, I don’t go to the door anymore. He just controls nearly everything still and spoils the kids now, even though they know some of what went on, he’s changed from controlling, unpredictable tyrant / egotistical person to mr fun dad, but this is pretty typical isn’t it!
I must try mindfulness, it has so many benefits. I just find my head spinning so much that I never get round to doing anything constructive. I know I’m quite isolated now and as he told all his workmates and friends that I made him leave as I didn’t love him, I feel uncomfortable out walking or in the local town in the day,not because anyone will have a go at me but because so many people know him & know who I am. I just want to be far away but I’ve fought to stay in the house for the children & security of neighbours we know. -
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If you have not done so already, AL, please go to your GP. Your physical symptoms of distress are explicable in the context of the effect he had and has you. Trauma is a horrible state. There are medications that can help. I was helped dramatically after years of refusing tablets. I now have a diagnosis of ptsd. The meds have made me think clearly. I had not realised that I was continually fearful and in a state of terror mentally. I am not out of the woods but getting better. Reach out to as many professionals as you can. It’s like having guardian angels over seeing you, or at least for me. Please keep posting and reading the forum, the help on here is astounding, so supportive.
Xx -
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Hi Happiermex If he does come near you physically you call the police. Block him everywhere else.
When I went through the worse of my anxiety, nightmare period I had the number of the police at hand, it was reassuring to know I can call them if I get bothered.Keep breathing deeply and do some gentle exercise such as stretching, this helps to relax your body, your nervous system which translate into calming the mind too.
A warm shower also soothes your entire being. Simple daily little things. Drinking a tall glass of your favourite (soft!) drink. It will get better. It will take some time though. But it does get better. Focus on getting a good nights sleep, that’s where you can start at getting better. When well rested, things look a tiny bit brighter. Hang in there honey 💕 -
Three important key factors in the recovery of trauma is:
1. getting to an emotional place of safety, so putting strategies in place that help you to feel safe in the world again, no matter how silly these may seem, as some do, might be calling the same friend every day last thing at night to say goodnight, sleeping with a light and the radio on, if getting in a car stresses you out, then takie the bus for a while, or say if it’s the school run you’re struggling with, finding a way to ease this in someway, maybe meeting with another family to walk in together, or knowing that you can call someone to do the run for you would be some examples. Lots of ‘little helps’. So work out what feels stressful, ‘what helps?’ and try to change a few things up to give yourself what you need – for now – won’t always be like this, just for as long as you feel you need – eventually this will change and you won’t need to do these things – you will drop one at a time as you feel able – will adjust.
2. Pull in and shape your support – grow a network, so you know where to go and what to do, what works for you, so for exercise, those that asisst your self care, emotional support (WA, counselling, friends, women on here, samaritians, victim support); get any practical support in place you need. This takes a bit of time, time to find those people and services that help, means trying many and walking away from any that don’t help – support is only support if it feels like support.
3. Selfcare – bags of it, daily and weekly routines, giving yourself whatever it is you need in that moment, that day – learning to listen to and meet your needs – always responding to the self, so if I feel a bit run down, what is it I need here, some good food? Bed and rest? Or is it to be with a friend? The Wheel of Life is a good way to keep track of what your needs are, could google this, the idea being that if youmeet these needs then you have attained the balance you need, and when you feel something isn’t quite right, you can have a look at the wheel and it will help you pinpoint the area that needs some attention.
Of course we have the added difficulty of self isolating now, which will compund difficult emotions at times, so its imperitive to reach out when feeling anxious. When we feel things are outside of our control, like the virus, what helps is to focus on doing things that we do have control over x
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