Anxiety like never before

[HeasvHeart]

I thought I was doing ok until I went out shopping for things for my new home and got totally overwhelmed by the realisation I need absolutely everything.
I felt like I wasn’t present, my heart was and still is racing, my head was and is still hurting. I feel sick and can’t get out of bed. I’ve never ever felt like this before….and I have mostly been doing ok 😢
Please tell me this is just a moment that will pass xx

[KIP.]

Yes it will pass. It sounds like a trigger brought on by knowing what his reaction would be if he was about. It took me a long time to get him out my head, even after his arrest I was panicking doing things I knew he would disapprove of. Remember lots of our headspace is taken up by trauma. I found too much thinking would overwhelm me. Trying to make sense of directions or legal letters. Panic sets in and the rational brain returns to fight or flight. I only just read about fluorescent lighting causing panic attacks. I wondered why some shops triggered me and the lighting was making me ill. I actually thought of wearing sun glasses. I often were ear plus when at the cinema or on a plane or in a noisy place. There’s lots going on when we have been traumatised. Are you engaged with counselling? It helps to talk thing through x

[Eggshells]

Yes it will pass. I completely understand that at times, the enormity of what we are doing is huge. You can be pottering along getting on with things and then it hits you.

You have done an amazing thing. You’ve got this far so you must be a very strong woman and getting stronger with each step.

Try to get up if you can. There are lots of strategies that you can use to help but don’t be afraid of the anxiety. As bad as it feels, it won’t harm you.

I hope other women will come on here with suggestions of the things that they do to help themselves when they feel like this.

Getting in the shower seems to help settle me, walking (preferably in the countryside where I can hear the birds) but along a busy road works too. Chamomile tea, reading, mindfulness meditation (try insight timer), watch a box set, Skype a friend or relative who is happy just to potter (my sister and I clean together even though we live 100 miles apart), use lavender oil, put music on.

When the anxiety has passed, you’ll know you can cope the next time and you’ll be stronger for it.

With each hurdle you leap, you get a little bit stronger. And if you’ve been strong enough to get this far, imagine how amazing you’ll be in the end.

[HeasvHeart]

Ok so this is what ladies mean when they say they are triggered, I never really knew what it meant. KIP it makes absolute sense because he has no idea that I am in the process of getting and setting up a new home and although I know I don’t have to tell him there is part of me that feels guilty because for so long he has shared everything with me.
Thank you Eggshells, I am watching a film. I’m usually so good at forcing myself up and being active. This has really knocked me for 6. I have lavender spray so I will try that now.
When I read everyone else’s posts on here I always think my experience and journey is not as bad but I think maybe I am being naive about the effect this has had and will have on me for a long time.
Thank goodness I have you ladies otherwise I would not know what is going on or how to deal with it.
I am having therapy but she is on holiday…. how inconveninent ☺
Xx

[KIP.]

You will get there in the end. Just like me. I remember my women’s aid worker telling me to collect important documents like marriage certificate, passport. So I was in the drawer where all the paperwork was kept and I suddenly had a massive panic attack. I lost the plot. It was like he had walked in and caught me. I was scared to leave my house but scared to stay there too. Our bodies are on high alert for danger, it’s difficult to exit that mode. I think it’s like soldiers in a war zone. Constantly on alert, unable to relax and let their guard down. Sometimes spooked and overreact to the slightest thing. I’m glad you’re getting counselling. I hope she understands they dynamics of domestic abuse. Please post about anything you experience that you don’t understand. I thought I was going crazy when he left. Counselling could at least have explained that these feelings were normal. Flashbacks, triggers, dissociative states, obsessive compulsive behaviour, and the list goes on. It’s easier when we know what we are dealing with x

[Eggshells]

Well done. It sounds like we ar both in a very similar position at the moment and at similar stages of the process. Perhaps we’ll do this together! Don’t compare yourself to others. Abuse is awful, whatever form it takes and leaving can be really scarey at times, regardless of your situation. You’re doing brilliantly!

[HeasvHeart]

Ladies I am so sorry for not replying sooner. I have been quite poorly and my therapist thinks I have ptsd – every day gets worse at the moment but not because I want to go back, because I realise what he is like and what he has done.
I am looking back at the person who joined here months ago, who thought her story wasn’t as bad, we’d ended amicably blah blah blah, almost ignoring when people said watch out for what he does now it’s over (and for that I am sorry), but he proved me wrong anyway. He tried to contact me and I ignored him, he went through a family member and it made me miss him but I still didn’t contact him, I asked my family and friends not to tell stuff about him and one family member took that as an opportunity to tell me he’s met someone else.
I’ve told my family this is triangulation and just one of his ways of hurting me, I currently find myself about to cut off family members as they say I am making it out to be something it isn’t. I took a million steps back last week and I realised I may need to stay away from family who do not support me. I know that if I have to do that I won’t be able to forgive that once I am stronger and better- I will think no you weren’t there for me at my worst so you dont get me now.
On a positive he and his family are removed from all contact and he is blocked, but still calling me – scarily he realised within hours that I’d blocked him.and was calling me from withheld.
Any way the moral.of the story is they are all the same, listen to the ladies who have been through it, their advice is spot on
Sorry to anyone I’ve not listened to or said no not me.
On a positive note I am doing some sponsored events to raise money for women’s aid and hopefully do something good and positive.
I hope everyone is doing ok – sending love to all x*x

[KIP.]

It’s good to hear you’re out. Report any contact to the police. U don’t need to put up with his behaviour. It’s criminal. PTSD needs proper trauma therapy from a skilled therapist. I’ve cut family members out my life and others I rarely see now. I tried explaining how they made me feel. My mum even putting a picture of my rapist abuser in a relatives room in a care home. Even after telling her it was upsetting, she did it again. It’s all about self preservation now. In the long run you might be able to slowly re connect but while their behaviour is triggering you, especially if their behaviour is deliberately upsetting you, keep them all at arms length. Even seeing mail delivered with my husbands name on it was incredibly triggering. Seeing his signature on the solicitor paperwork was catastrophic for me. People don’t understand. Look after yourself first x

[HeasvHeart]

There is a history of abusive relationships in our family so I think some of it has been normalised for some, or they just dont want to admit what it is because that’s admitting their own abuse that they have not dealt with.
My therapist is amazing – she specialises in domestic abuse and is a survivor herself.
This forum, my therapist and a few friends are saving my life right now.
I am not suicidal but for the first time in my life, I’ve understood how lonely, helpless and pointless it can feel.
Xxxx

[Anonymous]

i have done quite a few posts today. thank you kip for your support. i didn’t realise i was suffering with anxiety until i was hospitalized with a suspected heart attack i was (detail removed by moderator) at the time my mum passed within ( detail removed by moderator) months of my marriage breakdown. i can now identify my anxiety triggers. its called my gut feeling and its always right i sometimes wish it wasn’t. i take regular medication for it which helps. i hope you get well we are all in this together. im lucky to of found this forum. i dont think i would of made it through the day

thank you all

 

[KIP.]

💕

[Faraway]

Hi HH, I’ve suffered anxiety for a long time now and before he left it was completely under control. But now he is gone my levels are through the roof. I see a doctor and a psychologist but sometimes I feel like I can’t function. Kip often writes about ptsd and trauma and triggers and I’m sure I’ve got ptsd but I have so much anxiety about my psychologist even diagnosing me with this. I’ve been out since (detail removed by moderator) was doing fine until 8 weeks ago it all hit and I couldn’t function. This forum and the ladies help me so much. You are not in this alone x*x

 

[Author]

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