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Having a bad day but don’t want to post in the Bad Day section in case it leaves women who are contemplating on leaving with the feeling they can’t and its not worth it. It is of course worth it. The long view is that is very good to be out. But the day to day drudgery of it, the non-stop battle with them afterwards, the continual post separation abuse, the children, sometimes it really can be a bit too much, especially with the loneliness that comes with telling people you’ve experienced abuse. Its a conversation stopper, its a friends loser, its a separator.
Can anyone give me any words of wisdom for carrying on with it all today, with the battle, I am really struggling at the moment. I’m counting up the years when I’m likely to die – based on all the old people in my family – and thinking things like “Well, thats only X amount of Christmases”…that’s a sad thing to think isnt it? Just cant at the moment see anything to look forward to. I know I have a responsibility to make life good for my children, and I will of course do that, but for me, I can’t even think where I want that joy to be. I’ve been watching Maid, that bit where she’s lying back in the canoe, her happy place, I can’t find one anymore, I used to have one, I used to have places to go, its how I survived this for so long, but its not there anymore. Sorry, bit of a downer, just so tired of battling with solicitors, broken legal system, broken child maintenance system, broken everything. I’m not suicidal in case this reads that way, its more carrying on, how do you carry on when the post separation abuse just keeps on coming? x
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Sending you love, I can’t advise, I’m not out yet, it feels close. I can only relate it to how I feel now going through the motions trying to hold it all together whilst knowing I don’t want this marriage anymore. When it all feels too much I take many many deep breaths. Try to find something small to feel love and gratitude for. Usually my children ( I sit near them -if they’re not in their rooms) and watch them or watch the birds in the garden, make a cup of tea (I love tea!!) and watch the sky for a bit, basically simplify things. Use my senses to ground myself and stop my brain racing with fear and doubt.
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Hi iliketea, I know it’s a really hard slog for you. I feel your pain and want to share I feel overwhelmed at times too. Today is a good day but yesterday wasn’t. I took the advice of someone yesterday on this forum and did some things I enjoy and it lifted my mood tremendously.
The difficulty for me and I get a sense of this from you is trying to remember/discover what I enjoy as that terrible marriage stripped me of knowing anything about myself anymore. Fun just doesn’t come automatically. But Im making a real effort to change this as I want my future to make up for my past. So I’m trying new things and it might sound ridiculous but I wrote a list of things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to learn etc so I have a focus/purpose. At first I didn’t have much on the list, but more and more it’s growing. And I’ve actually got enjoyment researching what to add to the list!
Re: friends I’m in the same boat. One or two friends locally but we’re not very close. They both know about abuse as they were around at the time I left but I don’t talk about it anymore. I don’t think it defines me so unless I think it would benefit me or a friend for me to share it with them, then it’s a non-subject for me. I choose to focus on the future. I’ve also just joined Meet Up which is a friendship group type thing to do stuff with people like walking, art classes, meals out etc which could be good for you?
Legal stuff is a grind. I totally totally get you. I’m self repping at the moment and I’ve freaked out on occasion re: the complete lies and stuff he’s coming out with. It is really stressful but I’ve made my peace with doing my best and whatever happens, happens. He is a pathological liar and I knew this was going to be just awful. But the end is in sight. I don’t think in terms of winning, just the thought it will soon be over. And anyway I am winner as are you; we both got out. I say a gratitude for that every day. Do you practice gratitudes? Good for positive thinking.
I don’t know what post separation abuse you’re are being subjected to but do you have to have contact with him? I’ve still got a non-mol but when it expires I have no intention of letting him inside my head. Ever again. Going to do the family wizard app.
Stay strong iliketea 💪 xx sending you a hug 🤗 xx
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@Iliketea I have no words that will help wish I did because you are always here for us.
I can only imagine how tough it is really tough being trapped for so long you forget who you really are right? You forget what you like what you dont you lose yourself.
I imagine it will take time and love to heal to find that person that real person deep inside you so take your time, cry scream shout laugh but be kind to yourself give yourself credit for leaving you are brave and strong and deserve an amazing life and you will get there.
Im sure there will be many bad days to come but my word wont there be good days amazing days beautiful days now you arw free.
Take one day at a time be kind to yourself, do something nice just for you a walk a facepack a jug of wine maybe look for something in your local area a fitness class? Somewhere you can meet others and make some friends. Time for you now my beauty xx -
Hi Iliketea,
I’m so sorry that you’re still struggling. You have always been such a huge support to me as you have been to so many ladies on the forum.
Have you spoken to your GP to see how they can help you?
It’s all such a struggle for you at the moment, I can totally understand how you’re finding it hard to find your happy place.
I’m wondering what happened to the happy places you used to go to? Have they stopped working for you and if so are you able to understand why?
This has been a prolonged stretch of time for you to be feeling like this. It is really, really hard to keep your head above water when you’re having the struggles that you are facing.
It won’t be this way forever, it takes time. I’m not sure if you’re working at the moment so not sure is work is compounding your difficulty or if it is something that could help to lift you a little?
Sending hugs and love. xx
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Hi,I found mindfulness or grounding yourself in the moment really helped here. Looking backwards is depressing and looking forwards can be anxious but living in the very moment can centre your thoughts. So, Smelling, tasting, seeing, hearing and touching keeps you grounded. Some basic examples are on the Internet. Plenty information there. But one I like is to settle down and go through the senses in the moment. What can you see? What can you hear? What can you touch, take time to really assess what you’re touching, assess the texture, what can you taste, take time to think about what you can taste, explore the taste buds, think about it. There are also lots of imagery exercises which I also like, imagine a red balloon, put any negative thoughts in there, imagine that red balloon 🎈 floating away with those thoughts then go back to what you can see, taste, hear, touch and smell. It takes practice. I also kept a gratitude diary, writing 3 things per day that was positive. Even if it was I managed a shower, my shower gel smelled nice and I smiled, my best friend rang me. All these little things can alter your thought process, and where our mind goes out body follows. So if you feel low your body feels low too and it spirals x lastly sending you a big 🤗 hug. Ooooo that’s another good tip. Hug a pillow or cushion, it’s comforting 💕
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Hi iliketea (great name by the way – i love tea!!).
I think before anyone leaves an unequal or abusive relationship there is a subconscious idea that everything is going to be so much easier and that you will walk away and it will be exactly as it was before you got into the relationship. Its not like that is it? There is a massive amount of adjustment needed – both physical and mental. Yes, it is the right thing to do and it is so worthwhile – but it still comes at a price. I am so lucky in that my ex husband had a new supply before we even split – so he doesn’t bother me too much anymore (especially not since i threatened him with court, solicitors and proof of his abusive behaviour!) – but not everyone is that lucky.
Abuse is still somewhat of a taboo subject – people who have never been in an unequal relationship literally have no idea and probably don’t want to get involved. Our abusers can be very good at actin like the perfect husband and model citizen outside of the home – but its not the same behind closed doors.
Anyway, I’m probably babbling. My advice to you is to practice some self care – even if that is twenty minutes in the bath once the kids are in bed, meditation, reading a book – something for you. Try and be kind to yourself mentally as well – i had to get out of the habit of calling myself stupid when i dropped something – that type of thing. Have you considered chatting to your GP? You are under a lot of pressure and stress and they may be able to help you – maybe some counselling? I am not ashamed to say that i needed medication due to the depression and possible C-PTSD that i have after surviving my marriage. Im not saying you would need that, I’m not a doctor, but there is no shame if you need some help. I had counselling which probably saved my sanity. Probably one of the most important things i can say is that you are not alone. There are a lot of survivors out there and we have all been through what you are experiencing – you are not failing and things will get better.
hugs x
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