Anyone else?

[DinkyHorse]

Does anyone else get comments about your own human bodily functions/ways?

Apparently I pee too often, it must be mental/psychological rather than actually needing to go (especially if I need to go desperately first thing in the mornings, it must just be a habit)..Umm no I think I know when I need to go to the toilet thanks!
And also how fast I eat my meals, comments quite a lot about that!

[ISOPeace]

Yes, I used to get this sort of thing, including deciding when I was hungry – I sometimes wasn’t allowed to go out without breakfast or to skip dinner without being berated.

I think it’s a great example of how abusers do not let us be separate people. I don’t know whether my ex was consciously trying to gaslight me or whether he was just hell bent on everything having to be his way. It doesn’t really matter, the effect on me was the same: feeling like it wasn’t ok to be me, questioning my judgement, not able to make decisions etc. xxxx

[DinkyHorse]

Oh it’s not just me then.
Yes! I get that about food too, we have to eat at the same time, and if I say I’m not hungry, no I must be because it’s been this long since breakfast/we last ate and all I had was that…different people have different metabolisms! But when I say that there’s always an answer to counter it. Always. So I end up eating when I’m not even hungry 🙁 Plus if I have something different to what he’s having then I’ll get questioned so always the same as each other, less hassle.
I really don’t feel like a separate person anymore. I don’t know if it’s intentional/conscious or not but yes, the effects are the same. xx

[ISOPeace]

I think the abuse in these types of situation is not just that he doesn’t respect that you have a separate body, with different needs, but also that you have a right to choose what to do with your body regardless of what it needs. Even if you were both equally hungry, you have the right to choose whether or not you eat.

Part of what helped me leave was that every time I had the option of going along with him or not, I would remind myself that I had a choice to go along with him or not. It was always ok to go along with him or not. I might think “this time I’m going along with it, because I think it’s the safest thing for my wellbeing”. The point wasn’t to pressure myself into doing anything differently, it was to remind me that I am a separate person with rights, and I can choose and whatever I choose is ok – I don’t need anyone else’s permission. When I chose not to go along with him, I only did it when I thought the consequences were manageable. It definitely helped me feel stronger. Each time I did it, it would feel like the wrong thing to do, but I kept telling myself that I was choosing to make brave choices and it was ok to feel scared.

I’ve been on this forum 6 months or so and I would put money on other people having a very similar experience of everything you’ve been through. Abuser’s seem to have a handbook. That’s one of the reason that connecting on here is so important. Women on here understand and can assure you that what’s happening is about your partner choosing to be abusive, not because of anything you have done. xxxx

[DinkyHorse]

I will try and take a leaf out of your book and go against what he expects of me and just do what I want to do. I think it would make me feel stronger too.
It’s amazing how many things I thought weren’t a big deal are actually something that is abusive and there are others that have experienced the same! xx

[Emptybutfree]

I used to get ‘told off’ for walking loudly, (detail removed by moderator), so I’d find myself trying to walk in a really funny way to be more quiet.

With the food situation, he’d decided if we were eating healthy or not, he’d also comment if I fed our child any sort of ‘unhealthy’ food but it was always ok for him.

Not sure whether they class as abuse or any kind? I just saw a slight similarity xx

[DinkyHorse]

Anything that what you would do naturally (e.g. walking) that gets commented on and makes you change how you do things and act is a form of abuse (I think from what I’ve read on here). Like being told I’m breathing too loudly (Like…really?!). I get a lot of one rule for him, another for me like you described with your child. xx

[gettingtired]

Yes I’ve been told I take too many painkillers before or that I always have headaches. No true concern for me just irritation and another reason to put me down. He’s made comments on how often I use the bathroom. Food is also another big one. It’s always about what he wants to eat. I’m considered selfish for buying my own food that he doesn’t like. I get berated for never cooking for him but then he’s told me in the past how I can’t even make toast. It’s a bit embarrassing but I’ve never actually had a chance to learn to cook. Obviously I know basics but it’s always been him doing everything whilst putting me down so that my confidence is knocked and I don’t feel like there’s much point.
They make us feel selfish for putting our needs first in any way, shape or form x

[DinkyHorse]

Aah the headaches, I’ve had that one too! It doesn’t occur to them that the constant headaches were caused by them do they? And I’ve also had the comments about buying foods for myself, because why do I get something special and he doesn’t…Don’t be embarrassed, I’m not the best with cooking either! He should offer to help you/teach you not put you down and make you feel bad about it but of course that’s not how their minds work! They really do make us feel selfish for doing anything for ourselves that doesn’t benefit them. x

[lights on]

DinkyHorse, I know exactly what you mean. This goes with the territory of abuse, the chipping away.
You name it and I didn’t do it right. Eating, walking, sleeping, sitting….I did it all wrong. And far too many trips to the toilet?? He used to complain about me and my ‘habits’, which are fairly normal I like to think, to everyone. Embarrassing for them and humiliating for me.
I can be flippant about it now as I am out of the relationship but in there it was awful. No physical abuse but often I was too scared to move as I knew it would be wrong. I developed very strong bladder control!!
The constant picking at me slowly destroyed my self confidence and self esteem. Words can really hurt and are difficult, if not impossible to forget.

[DinkyHorse]

Wow, yes I feel that way too all the time..I do everything wrong, and if I actually did do something that was dumb and shouldn’t have happened (dropping something, spilling something etc.) he’s right there to make me feel worse about it.
I have in the past held onto my bladder for as long as possible! I’m glad you’re out of it and hope you’re happy. Words do hurt, more than ‘normal’ people realise never mind ‘them’!

[Hawthorn]

Words do hurt, deeper and longer than physical abuse in my experience. Abusers use them to chip chip away at us until we believe we can do nothing right. That we, at our core, are wrong and bad and unlovable. They destroy our self esteem and fill us with shame so they can control us and so we will take the blame for everything.

It is an essential part of coercive control. Mind-blowingly warped behaviour, but predictable. We should be educated on the abusers handbook in school so we can spot (and avoid) these men!

[DinkyHorse]

I have often thought that my situation is not as ‘bad’ as physical abuse victims but maybe you’re right, that it’s just as bad. I really do dislike myself/hate myself a lot of the time!
Absolutely we should be taught about what healthy relationships are like and what is not right!

[nbumblebee]

Im not allowed to im not sure how to say it nicely so im gonna just say it sorry, im not allowed to burp or bottom burp out loud at all apparently its not for a lady to do. We also have to eat together and i often get moamed at for not eating enough as apparently im slimming down so i can have affairs. He also very much enjoys pointing out spots or stray hairs or anything else that shows im getting old whilst believeing he is an (detail removed by moderator) 🙄

[DinkyHorse]

I was actually going to add that about passing wind too. I’ve taken to trying to disguise burps as hiccups but even then he pulls faces at me….but it’s absolutely fine for him to do anything like that.
He’s also commented before about how loud I chew when eating crunchy food like cereal…it’s crunchy of course it’s loud I can’t help that strangely. So now I’m always self conscious when eating cereal etc. especially without some background noise like tv.
Wow, luckily my partner doesn’t point out spots or anything, that’s not nice at all for you.

[ISOPeace]

I’m glad your partner doesn’t point out spots etc, but doesn’t it just show how much they warp our minds? You’re not lucky that he doesn’t do that, it just seems that way given everything else he does. They make us feel grateful for the “good things” that are actually basic requirements of a respectful relationship.

I know it’s a really horrible way to live. But you will be free of it sometime and when you are you can burp, f**t, crunch, spill things, eat what you want when you want, walk however you want. God, can you imagine that you’ll even be allowed to breath?! 😊 Btw I’m not trying to make fun of your situation, just the madness that they think it’s ok to do this to us. xxxx

[DinkyHorse]

Yes that is a good point, things that should be basic in a relationship. My mind is warped to the point I don’t really know who I am anymore.

Hahaha Oh not at all that made me laugh which I really needed right now so thank you for that…I can’t wait to do what I want, it’s crazy that I feel like I can’t even do what I want because of my relationship. Do people in a normal actually just do the basic things they want without having basically ask permission first? Mind blown. x*x

[Headspin]

Oh jeez, I thought it was just my husband! He often stands outside the loo, knocks on the door and asks what I’m doing. No privacy at all, years ago I had chronic constipation because of the interruptions. He’s “revolted” if I talk when eating and sees a trace of food, yet will deliberately ask me questions just as I’ve popped a mouthful. He smirks and waits for an answer while I’m chewing just so he can comment and grimace. He’s hardly little lord fauntleroy at the table.
He once showed some visitors my underwear where menstrual blood hadn’t quite washed out. Held them up laughing. Yes dinkyhorse the bathroom tally, as if you don’t know when you need to use it or not. Can’t have a bath in peace because it’s being timed
Absolute control.

[DinkyHorse]

Oh gosh that’s so bad! I don’t get standing outside the bathroom at least but feel as though I have no privacy like you. Sound like he enjoys calling you out on things.
That’s disgusting behaviour with your underwear I can’t actually believe I read that! I bet you were mortified 🙁
Oh I daren’t have a bath alone, would be made to feel guilty for not including him I bet. Not particularly a bath person but knowing he wouldn’t want me to have one makes me want one more you know?
Total control.

[Headspin]

Yes the stained undies. I can hardly believe it now, I had a panic attack at the time, I was so much younger and just couldn’t stand up to him and his nasty ways. This kind of craic went on for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised it was abuse. I would trawl the internet for some kind of understanding of his behaviour. It was my daughter who explained what abuse was and here, on this forum, I’ve learned that other women suffer in similar ways. I literally had no idea, I was so conditioned that my sense of reality was skewed. I stand up to him now in a way I never could before. I enjoyed a bath last night, up to my neck in bubbles. It was worth the lecture on how much I’m costing him in hot water.

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