23rd January 2019 at 9:34 am #71193UsernameParticipant
I am new around here, but here goes….
I live with my OH, have done for years. We met in a less than ideal situation, but he was amazing when we first got together (or so I thought at the time….). He would surprise me by turning up unannounced, message me all the time to make sure I was okay. At the time I was going through a really rough patch personally and I think I needed that.
My OH has significant mental health issues that predate me, prior to me he also had addictions and alsorts but was clean when we met and doing reasonably well.
Looking back now, this relationship has probably never been truly ‘healthy’, but when two people get into a relationship who are very broken, is it ever going to be?!?
Things have gone down hill with him since that initial period, but there has always been the excuse of his mental health.
He tries to dictate my whole life and until about (detail removed by Moderator) ago was successfully doing exactly that. I no longer left the house because of accusations (cheating, meeting men etc), I no longer socialised, I rarely saw any of my family, all financial choices were run by him, he bought me clothes, even the perfume was his choice. Nothing at all was my choice anymore and I excused it because of his mental health, even though I literally hardly existed anymore.
(detail removed by Moderator) he then had what I thought was another episode of his mental illness….. Nope. He had spent our savings on drugs, all of them. Then tried to inform me I was crazy and that we never had savings. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) before he would tell me what he was taking….. So I could try and figure out how much danger I was in (his MH was caused and is triggered by using). This was always a red line for me, and I basically allowed him to erase it.
However it was also what made me realise how unhealthy things were and made me start researching. One day when he was high, I went out and got a voluntary role (detail removed by Moderator). He was not happy, he still is not. I just needed something real, a little space to breathe. I have managed to hold on to doing this, but barely. He tries to manipulate me into not going every time I am supposed to be there. I come home to accusations of cheating and he messages me constantly through the day and ‘pops in’ frequently. This right now is my only sane space.
He is still using. When he has got stuff, he may as well not be here, is on porn sites, basically does what he wants regardless. When he doesn’t have anything he is aggressive and horrible. Tip toeing around him is what my life has become – my immediate thought when asked a question is ‘what would he want me to say’.
(detail removed by Moderator) I decided to be brave and ask him why he won’t stop doing drugs…. His reply was very literally that he does drugs so that he doesn’t beat me because of all the lies and deceit (that are purely in his head). I write that and I know how messed up that is, but here’s the kicker….
For some messed up reason I just can’t leave, I can’t even bring myself to want to. It would destroy me. I keep thinking that the situation is redeemable. Has anyone else ever felt like this?
23rd January 2019 at 10:11 am #71196KIP.Participant
Women’s aid will rightly tell you that mental health and domestic abuse are two separate issues. Many men have mental health problems but do not abuse their partners. Ask yourself if he abuses others in the same way he does to you? If the answer is no, then he chooses to abuse you. He has control over his behaviour and absolutely knows what he is doing is wrong. Can he control himself around others? Then he chooses to abuse you in private. These are all domestic abusers tactics. He is not your responsibility. Abusers will suck the life from us. They have no interest in anything but themselves. He won’t change and abuse always gets worse. Please contact your local women’s aid. Ring the helpline number on here and have a read of Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Accusing us of cheating is very common (usually it’s them that are cheating). Preventing us from working is also part of the isolation that abused like to keep us in. What you describe is typical domestic abuse. He’s trying to hide it behind drug abuse and mental health.
23rd January 2019 at 12:42 pm #71200SunflowersParticipant
Hi not really sure how to do this.
Getting divorced, well trying husband won’t get a solicitor. Won’t leave house or put it up for sale. Does not talk to kids at all. Does not work sits on computer all day. We are all living like shadows, he screams at me all the time ,swears calls me names . Slags me and my family off and slags off our (detail removed by Moderator) year old boy. I am on (detail removed by Moderator) so I am a sitting target when I am on (detail removed by Moderator). He is a bully and keeps turning the heating off. He has been arrested (detail removed by Moderator) for domestic violence but (detail removed by Moderator) was not charged and let home. I went to social services but they could not engage with him ,he just screamed at them.so they gave up. It seems like everywhere I go for help nobody has any power. He frightens my daughter and me with his shouting.is this abuse ?
23rd January 2019 at 12:57 pm #71201KIP.Participant
It most definitely is abuse. Please contact your local women’s aid. Ring the helpline number on here. If you can get evidence of his abuse, witness statements, recordings, a journal etc, you may be able to have him removed using an occupation order or a non molestation order. A good solicitor should be able to help with that. Turning the heating off is deliberately putting your health at risk. Speak to your GP. Get all your concerns logged. Getting your GP on side is a good start. The fact he has (detail removed by Moderator) arrests may already be enough to have him removed from the family home. Please speak to women’s aid or ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. You do not have to,live like this. Neither do your children. You all deserve a peaceful supportive home and family life. An abuser will do his best to destroy that x
24th January 2019 at 12:55 am #71216Strong tigerParticipant
Hi, Im new around here but totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s very scary thinking this and the consequences of leaving etc.. I’ve not posted my issues yet, but I’m thinking of doing it soon, but it’s a lot to write.
I hope you manage to get some support too x
25th January 2019 at 1:51 am #71274AyannaParticipant
What you should really do is pack your things together and flee into the next refuge to never ever return.
Find out how to get into a refuge and where there is one with a space for you.
You need to do this without much thinking, otherwise you will never do it.
You are fully aware how bad your situation is and how trapped you are with this guy.
I am sure you also understand that things will never improve again, they will get worse gradually and one day your life will be in real danger.
You are not happy and not comfortable living like this.
So, what’s the alternative to that situation?
Leaving is the only alternative. That gives you a chance to get a happier life.
Once you left you need to block him so that he can never reach you again.
You deserve better and you can do better.
You can achieve so much you do not even know now.
Do not say anything to him. Just do it when he is in his delirium and not aware of his environment or not at home.
25th January 2019 at 12:43 pm #71301freedomtochooseParticipant
Would go with Ayanna on this one.
Especially the bit about ‘if you think too much you won’t do it’.
In my experience that was the way it worked.
Once left, you can tackle the issues one by one with space.
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